Vulnerability – The magic ingredient of modern leadership that is easier said than done. It only took me 44 years to finally embrace it!

Vulnerability – how can I have empathy for you, unless you tell me what is going on??

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope empathy, accountability, and authenticity.” - Brené Brown

In my previous article on empathy, I talked about how important it is in leadership and shared how I define it:

“Empathy is to meet people where they are at without judgment.”

As leaders, this means we need to use the tools at our disposal in the ratio they were given: two ears to one mouth! Spend more time listening with genuine curiosity and less time speaking at people.

I want to take the opportunity to follow up on my empathy article and add a layer on top. A non-negotiable soft skill for the modern leader: vulnerability.

Empathy and vulnerability go hand-in-hand.

Let’s pretend that you read my empathy article, embraced my suggestions on building empathy habits into your daily leadership, and are actively.......

-???????Being curious and listening more than you talk

-???????Being present when in the presence of others

-???????Seeking different perspectives

Congrats! You are already doing more than the average and your team is witnessing a more well-rounded you. In conversations with others, the people on the receiving end feel more empathized with. You are learning more about your team and what is going on in their lives underneath the surface. ?

Now, let’s take this to another level.

To provide your time, energy, and resources to those on your team that need it the most; truly be equitable, you must know who is struggling the most. Knowing is not assuming. Comparatively speaking, someone is always struggling more than someone else.

Cindy Turner in her song from Mad Max 3 Thunderdome said it best: “When all the people say, we don’t need another hero.” (This song always brings a smile to my face.)

We don’t need any more heroes!!! We need humble leaders who lead with vulnerability.?

Brené Brown defines vulnerability as:

“the feeling we get during times of uncertainty, risk, or emotional exposure. This includes times when we’re showing our feelings and we’re not sure what people will think and times when we really care about something, and people will know that we’re sad or disappointed when it doesn’t work out.”

According to Amy Edmondson and Tomas Chamorro-Premuzic, “Few myths are as pervasive as the notion that leaders ought to appear?tough and confident.”

After 44 years of life, I have finally come to agree that this is in fact a myth.

I truly thought it was my job, especially as a leader, to appear invincible. I thought I had to take the heat for my team, my wife, and my family. No matter how hard the going got, I got tougher.

Growing up in the UK, my family believed that a “stiff upper lip” was the way to live life. My mum modeled this by being stoic and never showing her emotions despite a traumatic marriage to my father. When I was 16, they divorced.

I admired my mum and grew to believe that a great leader is stoic and unfeeling. So, unconsciously, that is how I have lived my life for the past 44 years. It’s been a challenge – just ask my wife!

However, on a recent Monday morning, my perspective on this dramatically changed.?

On May 9th around 8:50 am I was driving to work after dropping off my kids at school and I suddenly lost all control of my mind and body. It was like everything gave up.

I pulled over and just sat there until my senses came back. I drove home, curled up in a ball in bed, and felt a level of negativity toward everything that I have never felt before.

I’m still haven't recovered. There are more negative thoughts than positive ones most days. However, this was a warning shot across the bow I needed.

It’s been pure hell, raising two kids while building a business from scratch with limited resources and being put to every test during a global pandemic.

I know I’m not alone in this. I know we are all suffering in our own ways. The question is, do others know what you are going through? Do people in your life know that you need help?

I have been through my own bouts of stress and burnout, but this was different. This was bad.

When I got myself out of bed for our 10 am morning call, I had every intention of sharing what happened with my team. By 11 am the call ended, and nothing came out. The entire time my brain was telling me to say nothing.

“Don’t do it, Alex. They will see you as weak. You’re a leader, be strong!”

I promised myself I would do it during our next team call on Wednesday afternoon. Yet again, the meeting starts, my brain talks, the meeting ends, and I said nothing.?

My anxiety and worry were only making things worse. I felt like I was about to explode. I was not myself and knew I couldn’t lead a team feeling like this. I had to say something.

On Thursday morning, I mustered up the will to send an email to the team explaining what happened…

I pressed send. It felt awkward. Almost like pressing send on this today. I knew I had to. I honestly didn’t expect any replies. I just wanted to share with my team that I’m going through some shit and am not at my best.

“Empathy. Is to meet people where they are at without judgment.”

Now my team had the knowledge of what their boss was going through. They might have assumed that I didn’t care anymore due to canceling all our 1-on-1s. They might have assumed that I was getting angry thinking that we are off track on our KPIs. No more assuming. Now they knew. Now they could meet me where I am at without judgment.

Then the replies poured in throughout the day…

Thank you for your vulnerability and sharing what’s going on under the surface. That’s a lot of emotional weight to carry on top of running and owning a business. Whatever you need, ask. Happy to support and grateful to have a boss who is willing to share the tough stuff.

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Echo-ing the thoughts of those before - you are just human.?

Although...sometimes I think you are NOT if I am being perfectly honest...like how the F*@k does this guy get all this shit done? What drugs is he taking? Where can I get them?

Even if you are part alien, the human side is what binds us all. Burnout is all too real. We got your back. You've started and continue to effectively lead a badass company where the sky is the limit. We all take pride in DX and what we do for the world and that's thanks to you.?

Empathy is the metaskill of the 20th?21st?no...hell...it's just THE human metaskill.??The quickest way for empathy to happen is through vulnerability, so thank you for sharing. We will be better because of it. I hope you know whatever you need from us, I am confident you can pick up the phone to any of your employees and ask for anything...or just have ANY conversation. How many bosses can say that? That's because of the team and company you've created and helped us build alongside you.

Thanks for all you do.

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?How can we help each other if we don’t know who needs help? How can we meet someone where THEY are at if we don’t know what’s going on?

Remember, assuming makes an ass out of you and me.

“We don’t have to do all of it alone. We were never meant to.” - Brené Brown

This is the power of vulnerability. It’s vital for every human to know they are not alone.

While my mental health is still rocky, I know that my team has my back. I know they are working hard to support me as well as each other.

Before, they thought invincibility was okay (just like me). I modeled a different behavior and, in doing so, opened the door for others to be vulnerable.

I am not invincible. Nobody is, no matter how much of a “stiff upper lip” they put out on the surface.

Vulnerability is the key to unlocking the true potential of a team. A team that selflessly helps each other out and have each other’s backs.

Amy Edmondson and Tomas Chamorro-Premuzic agree:

“In a complex and uncertain world that demands constant?learning and agility, the most apt and adaptable leaders are those who are aware of their limitations, have the necessary humility to grow their own and others’ potential, and are courageous and curious enough to create sincere and open connections with others. They build inclusive team climates with?psychological safety?that foster constructive criticism and dissent.”

Great leadership is about embracing the truth. It’s about sharing what’s important with those around you. It’s leading by example by speaking up, speaking the truth, and trusting that your team will follow.

According to HBR, leaders need vulnerability, not bravado.

So, what can you do to start engaging in this level of leadership?

1. -???????Be open, often.?Turn off little voices in your brain telling you to shut up. It’s ok to be human!
2. -???????Don’t be a hero. Don’t be a martyr. You are not invincible. Ask for help when you need it.
3. -???????When you screw up, own it. Make it ok not to be perfect.

It takes courage to be vulnerable. Yet, empathy and vulnerability are the purest way to drive employee retention, engagement, and high performance.

They are the key ingredients to creating psychological safety, and taking your team to places they have not gone before, and it all starts with YOU.?