Vulnerability is how teams win. Part III - How to do it
For the last two weeks I wrote about what Vulnerability is, and suggested why it is so important. If you missed either of these articles you can click one of the links to read more.
I'm going to assume for now that you see the importance of vulnerability (if you don’t, go back and read the first two articles).
If you do, then you’ll want some ideas on how to make this happen. So where do we start?
Be the change you wish to see
In 'The Culture Code', Daniel Coyle the importance of vulnerability in high performance cultures. Vulnerability in a team sparks cooperation and trust between team members. If the team knows there is a problem, and is entrusted to help with solving that problem, then it can and will.
The book makes many suggestions on how to build vulnerability into a culture. The main way is simple. It It is done by you, the leader, being an example of it.
Here is a simple way to do this. It takes very little time and is free. Email your team on a weekly basis and ask them three questions:
- What is one thing I should stop doing?
- What is one thing I should keep doing?
- What is one thing I should start doing?
That's it. Sound simple enough right? But the thought of sending that email to your team probably makes your stomach turn.
Another way is to practice vulnerability is to hold 'after action reports'. Regular meetings where the team critiques themselves and their results. Allow the space to speak authentically. Problems get aired. Solutions are found. Teams are built.
So what prevents us from doing this?
Vulnerability Blockers: Titles, Culture, and our Selves
Titles
I do a lot of work with first-time managers. The thing they all have in common is a certain belief. They believe they need to have all the answers. Now that their title reads "Manager", they should no longer need help. They should be perfect.
This seven-letter straight-jacket is the reason that they cannot ask for help. And the loftier the title, the tighter that straight-jacket of "Should" becomes.
"I should know this"
"I shouldn't ask them, they'll think I don't know anything"
"If I want it done, I should just do it myself".
Cultures
There are many companies that do want to get this right. They want for their teams to be open, honest and ask for help. But the definition of a Culture is "This is how we do things around here". It is not "This is how we talk about doing things around here".
They have the best of intentions. But their behaviours are not aligned with these intentions.
For example, a team-mate or report may come to us and admit a failure. We mean well, but let's look closely at our reactions:
We launch into 'fix-it' mode and make the help-seeker feel useless.
We launch into 'angry parent' mode and make the help-seeker feel useless.
We launch into 'damage control' mode and make the help-seeker feel useless.
Were we really allowing the person to feel heard, understood, and part of the solution? Or did we just rush in and fix the short term problem, rather than practice the behaviour that, long-term, will take us where we want to go?
Ourselves
None of the above reactions are ill-intentioned or personal. (If they are, you won't have made it this far through the article).
But these reactions are all borne of our insecurities - not those of the person coming to us.
We fear what consequences the mistake will have for our companies, or for us directly. Or perhaps we feel good about the person coming to us and so we overdo it a bit. Perhaps their request for help is a welcome distraction from our own fears and overwhelm.
This is Ego. Ego is concerned with perception. Someone tells us a problem, and one of two things happen.
We fear how we will look and work hard to fix the problem quickly, or
we fear how we look in general and love that we were the heroes that this poor soul turned to.
“Ego stops us from being Vulnerable. Because we fear how we will look.”
It takes a village
It is not enough any more for one person to be vulnerable in a team, the whole team needs to know how to receive it. And the thing about it is, that the more a team practices it, the easier it becomes.
There is a quote - "If we knew each other's secrets, what comforts we should find". Have you ever been part of a group discussion and had a question but didn't want to ask it? Has someone asked that question instead? Were you relieved that someone else was wondering the same thing you were?
Most of what we fear others finding out, they feel as well.
Sales people feel like they are the only ones to lose a deal.
Managers think they are the only ones who feel like impostors in their new role.
New parents think that they are the only ones who feel like they are drowning and can't cope.
Couples think their friends don't have relationship problems.
The list goes on and on, but how much better do we feel when we open up, and find that other people feel the same?
“Vulnerability is what will make a team strong in troubled times. They will feel safe. They will feel supported. This will give them energy and resilience to find solutions to new problems in hard times.”
(By the way, when someone asks that question you wanted to ask, did you also feel jealous of that person's courage? That wasn't courage. That was vulnerability. Which takes courage.)
So what now?
There is a lot out there on vulnerability. By now the burden of proof is on those who do not believe in its cultural significance. It is one of the key elements of high performance. If you want more resources on vulnerability and how to build it into your culture, below is a good place to start.
"The Culture Code" - Daniel Coyle
"Tribal Leadership" - Dave Logan, John King & Halee Fischer-Wright
This stuff is difficult to build. It is intangible, and everyone in a team is at a different starting point. Different people see vulnerability as important to differing degrees. Different people are vulnerable in different ways. Added to that, this is very much a 'sweeping the floor' type exercise. It has to be done daily. Consistently.
But the rewards are there for those who work at it. Cultures that practice vulnerability are real with themselves and each other. They acknowledge problems, and work on them together. This means they win.
Good luck.