Vulnerability & Forgiveness Are Your Superpowers

My Personal Learnings from Shane Howard’s Mystery Speaker - Executive Dinner

On the 5th of April, I hosted The Epic Talent Society ’s second Mystery Speaker - Executive Dinner. This time we had Shane Howard as our guest speaker. Here are few of my personal learnings, I hope you enjoy them!

But before I share the learnings, let me say that I’ve only known Shane for a couple of months now but I can say he has inspired me so much that I consider him a true friend and mentor. Shane has helped me change the way I see myself. I’ve learned from him that we all think we know who we are…or should I say:?

“We all know how we see ourselves but we don't know how others see us”.

Shane’s story is inspiring because, despite all the hardships (or should I say because of them), he has developed a clear image of who he is and lives comfortably in his own shoes.

He is an example of how we all control our narrative. No matter what others expect or believe, we are the authors of our stories and achievements.

His openness to talk and share the hardest of matters aligned with his ability to connect with others through truth and vulnerability, are addictive and encouraging.

I felt goosebumps as I thought about his phrase: “I was always most successful when I tried things I had never done before”. His trust in his ability to “figure it out” is the perfect illustration of what grit means. Shane knows that if he can do it, so can you!

My Lesson #1 - “We can all be successful at the things we have never done before”

Shane had no trouble pointing out how many of the guests had referred to their parents passing as their greatest adversity and how many times he has seen pain and trauma stem from the relationships and bereavement of our parents.

It was interesting to me to see how this pain can stem into something beautiful as a social cause or simply flourish into the spirit of helping others as we all try to become better parents then the ones we had (regardless of their quality).

My Lesson #2 - Beauty can flourish from pain

Shane is a “gentle giant” that reminds me of Max, the main character in the Netflix Series New Amsterdam. Every time I’m with him I am touched by him and we frequently cry together. He lives by the motto “how can I help”?. He had shared earlier at the dinner that he lives to help, although he has a hard time asking for help himself.

Most of the guests had some sort of participation in social causes or are involved in some sort of social organisation, whether working with homeless people or inmates in prisons. But, suddenly it struck me:? all these guests are “givers” (according to Adam Grant’s definition), so maybe we all struggle with that same problem: deciding who to help?

So I decided to ask Shane if there is an ideal criteria to choose the people we help?

Shane elegantly suggested that there is a phrase to help with that: “Bring value to those you value.”

Lesson #3 - “Bring value to those you value”

The conversation went back to bereavement and how much more similar we all are. We try to look for the differences among us, the reasons that may justify our superiority to others. Maybe we think having a formal education or an incredible professional track record may justify the separation among human beings, but it’s just ridiculous. “We all put our pants on, one leg at a time” as Shane likes to put it. “I have no formal education, but I’m just as qualified as you are to run or own your companies”. These are the phrases that make you stop and reflect.

Lesson #4 - “We all put our pants on, one leg at a time”

Then we discussed why people hide in sorrow or chase happiness, although we all know that happiness is impossible to enjoy and sustain (specially without sorrow). The tyranny of happiness is a contemporary problem. I for one understand that happiness lies within an individual so no company or leader can make you happy (although they may try to provide the resources and freedom you need to pursue it). So another great phrase I heard and learned from Shane was: “People don't want to be happy, they want to feel alive”.

Lesson #5 - “People don't want to be happy, they want to feel alive”.

One of the guests shared a personal story about how he once discovered he was failing as a dad. His adolescent son had gotten into mischief, so he decided to go off on a retreat for three days and have a conversation. He realised he was saying to his son “I trust you so don't fail me”. He realised that motto was broken, and thought to himself that it would be better if he trusted his son to go through hardships and rather be there for him through support and by giving him guiding rules. He also said how important this lesson had become to him as a leader and? how it changed his company too.

“How crazy it is for us, as parents, to pretend we are perfect or that parenting is easy” I said.?

How can we and why do we expect our children not to fail??

How do we expect them to cope with their failures if we don’t share our own??

How f****d-up is that?

I see this as betrayal! Why would we cheat on our own children, why would we deceive them instead of sharing with them how hard it is to be a great parent?

Lesson #6 - “I trust you will fail, so I’ll give you support and rules”

(I improvised this phrase, in my mind, to steal and use in my own life inspiration).

Wouldn't we all prefer to explain where and how we’ve failed (as parents and as human beings)? Can't we just say we're sorry and move on with life? Yes we can!

Haven't we all felt the power of forgiveness? I surely have!? So why don't we use it more often?

Every time I’ve had the courage to say I’m sorry, I’ve enjoyed another persons’ generosity and forgiveness. In the end I feel courageous, blessed and divine. To me it feels like that is the only time God lets me play with his powers.?To me vulnerability and forgiveness are superpowers!

Lesson #7 - “Vulnerability and forgiveness are your superpowers”

When I use them I feel I can be a saint! That’s why I tease Shane and say that the real reason for his hoodie is because monks use outfits with hoods.

I guess everyone has traumas, it's the way we embrace them and choose to act and interact with others that can help you make them your superpower.

Maybe that is why Shane claims "Your Trauma is Your Superpower", but only he can explain himself.

This was a beautiful dinner!

I felt privileged to show how Shane plays Batman when he? “hides in plain sight” and I was proud of? the brave penguins* we became as we shared and trusted each other at the table.?

Thank you Shane for showing us your? incredible ability to connect with people at the human level and reminding us “we all put our pants on one leg at a time”.

BTW: I deliberately kept this article to be published as a birthday gift to Shane Howard!

Happy Birthday my friend!

* At Google “The Brave Penguin Award” gets handed out each quarter to one individual who takes the action of a brave penguin. Brave penguins are the first to dive into icy waters not knowing what dangers lie beneath