Vulnerability in the big and small moments

I’ve spent the past few months on a big of an emotional rollercoaster. My husband and I got rid of about 60% of our belongings; said goodbye to the first house we purchased together; and moved to Philly. Anyone who has relocated knows that literally every inch of your life changes. Finding a grocery store, primary care physician, dry cleaners; learning how to get to get to all those places without Google! Trial and erroring your new local haunts like gyms, coffee shops and happy hours. Switching airlines and airports. Trying to make friends.

In the past six months, I’ve also overhauled the backend of my business. Commemorated the anniversary of my father’s death. Lost 50 pounds. Restarted fertility treatments after trying (and failing) to have a baby for years. And – to cap it all off – I turn 40 in five days.

It’s been a lot. And my vulnerability is sometimes felt so raw that it is almost like an open wound.

But I’m not the only one dealing with all the things. So many of us struggle with staying motivated and positive, especially when it seems like life doesn't give you a moment to just process.

Mental health struggles are becoming more common; according to BusinessSolver, 55 percent of CEO’s and 50 percent of employees have experienced a mental health issue this past year. But the problem is that most people in the office view mental health issues as a burden. And when I say most? I mean 81 percent of CEO’s, 72 percent of HR professionals and 67 percent of employees.

My name is Sharon Steed. I’m a keynote speaker and person who stutters. My speech impediment is my greatest tool in teaching audiences how to engage in the key empathy behaviors required to improve communication, collaboration and overall company culture. It's also my biggest vulnerability, and it's taught me more about how to connect with others than any single other thing in my life.

I’ve spent the close to a decade speaking to companies and conferences globally, of all sizes and in all industries, on why empathy is as impactful a skill as any when it comes to organizational success. When we understand others – when we listen to them, hear their stories, and consider other experiences than just our own – our internal culture improves and our ability to create more informed products and services for our clients skyrockets.

But there’s a link that needs to be address when we talk about empathy, and that’s vulnerability. If empathy is the tie that binds us – and it is – than vulnerability is the thread connecting us through the entire process. People need to be comfortable feeling vulnerable enough to speak their minds. And you allow the space for that vulnerability to happen by being empathetic.

Vulnerability for our purposes will be defined as the emotional exposure to risk. If you really think about it, we and those around us are engaging in vulnerable behaviors constantly. Any time we suggest a new concept or brain dumping ideas in meetings; when we give an impromptu update on a project we're nervous about or send an email to a new person; when we're tentatively raising our hand to participate in a group discussion at a conference or ordering coffee with our boss who doesn't yet know we have a speech impediment.

We think about the big moments of being vulnerable: the job interview, the biggest presentation of our lives, the 360-review. But we rarely thinking about those daily tasks that are small but impactful acts of vulnerability. Those are the things that can slowly chip away at our mental health and make our daily office grind exponentially harder.

Something that stuttering continues to teach me is that vulnerability often happens in those everyday moments. We may not realize that others are feeling vulnerable at any given time, but what they're doing or saying right now could be one of the hardest things they've ever had to do. It could seem like nothing to you, but it could be causing them an immense amount of anxiety. On the flip side, something you are doing completely unknowingly could also be giving them great hope.

After one of the first workshops I gave on empathy in the workplace, an attendee approached me. He wasn't smiling or warm. He didn't participate in any of the discussions we had during the class. I was actually pretty convinced he was about to rip me to shreds and tell me how much of his time I just wasted. But he very tentatively, very nervously, said that he suffers from severe social anxiety and that he was immensely grateful for the experience I just facilitated.

He was terrified to tell me that. I know how that feels, as I've spent most of my life terrified of talking. But I somehow created a space for someone to face their own vulnerability. Just walking into that room to attend that workshop - a workshop that was very much billed as a facilitated conversation on communicating with empathy - was courageous. We often spend so much time thinking about our own fears that we forget that others are struggling with theirs.

So what can you do today to make those small moments of vulnerability a bit easier for others? A bit easier for yourself? Here are three things to consider:

Speak openly about your struggles

When you find yourself in a moment of discomfort, talk about it. More often than not, the person you are speaking to will relate to feeling big vulnerability in small moments (because haven't we all!).

Listen to others when they speak about their struggles

It's so easy to want to offer up advice or tell people that it's okay. You never noticed that thing they're so concerned about, anyway! So there's no need for them to feel insecure!

As well intentioned as this is, it's not helpful. Because it doesn't change how that person feels. They don't need your words; they need your ears. Reassurance can often happen by just being there and encouraging others to just express themselves.

Remember: vulnerability isn't a burden

At the very top of this article, I discussed how people can view mental health struggles as a drain on the company. Of course we don't want to hold our teammates back with our problems, so we push through and pretend it's all okay. We aren't burdens; we're bosses. We're grinders. We hustle. And if we just keep pressing forward, we'll work through our issues and no one will be the wiser.

This never works.

When one of us struggles, we all are suffer. That's why talking about the things that are concerning us is important. But to be confident around these conversations, we need to remind ourselves and others that being vulnerable is a strength. It drives resilience, makes us better listers, and makes empathy easier.

Vulnerability is more than those big, important instances where it feels like your world could change drastically. It's also those small moments, the ones where you get a little more courageous and confident. Just remember to bring others along that journey with you; and to support others in theirs.

Sharon Steed is a keynote speaker, author and founder of Communilogue, an empathy consultancy. She teaches audiences the key empathy behaviors necessary to retain top talent as well as improve individual and team performance. A lifelong stutterer, Sharon uses her speech impediment to both teach what empathy is and to inspire audiences to engage in empathy actions daily. Head to her website to learn more about her work, and follow her on LinkedIn where she shares daily updates on making empathy actionable and vulnerability at work.