Votes of Confidence

Written by The CareerProof Team

“The people who get that are a lot smarter than me.”

“There’s no way I can do that.”

“I just don’t know if I’m good enough to do it.”

At some point, we’ve all had a thought like this. And I’m willing to bet, it’s not a reflection of actual ability but rather a lack of confidence. 

Low confidence holds us back from the lives we truly desire. It prevents us from signing up for that class, asking that person out on a date, speaking our minds, or applying for that position. And confidence matters too. People who are confident get paid more, have more friends, and generally speaking live happier lives.

Confidence can carry a negative stigma. Let me be clear, arrogance is NOT confidence. Arrogance is an unjustified self-opinion often created from real feelings of insecurity. What we will be discussing, is building healthy, organic confidence that helps you achieve your ambitions, especially for your career.

But first, if you need more to buy into the value of confidence, let me tell you my story:

“Competence breeds confidence, not the other way around.”

Growing up in a South-Indian household that emphasized mastery, this mantra was instilled in me at a very young age. Confidence is good, but you’d better have the firepower to back it up. Over time, I’ve come to realize that while that all sounds good, what happens if you feel you have neither? And when you are starting something new, chances are that’s more than just a feeling.

Confidence is key to a strong career. I spent the first nine months of my first job genuinely believing I was bad at it. Then suddenly I won three prestigious awards in the span of one month and everything changed. I was speaking up more in meetings, sending my leadership ideas, taking extra initiative, and being less of a perfectionist. Those awards gave me confidence and it was all I needed. And the results showed. I went from being a strong contributor to an invaluable one. I was given a raise, a promotion, invited to higher level meetings, and so forth.

So did I have to struggle for nine months to realize this and see the benefit? At one point it dawned on me. I didn’t suddenly become more competent overnight after winning three awards in quick succession. It was simply an external confirmation to what I internally had all along. If I had changed my mentality from, “I am bad at this” to “I could be outstanding at this,” I could have effectively eliminated that nine month period. 

Fortunately for all of us, confidence is a learned skill, not an inherent trait. Think about it, There have been times in your life where you have been confident and times you have not. It isn’t some magical gift that you are born with, rather it fluctuates based on a combination of internal and external factors. A person walking into their first chemistry lecture will be less confident than the same person walking into their two-hundredth. An entry level professional in their third year on the job will have more confidence than a CEO on their third day. But that person is the CEO because of their ability to manufacture confidence, even when they (for the moment) lack the competence to normally justify it.

Idly waiting for our skills to develop over time is not the best way to go about this. And simply wanting to be confident is not enough. You need to train your brain on a deeper level to embrace a higher level of confidence, and the way to do that is a lot faster than building competence over the course of months or years.      

There are three very tactical things you can do today to engineer confidence:

STEP 1: Change your identity and cast votes

You can tell how successful a person will be at quitting smoking with one very simple question:

“Would you like a cigarette?”

I know it sounds like an oversimplification but bear with me. If you ask this question, and they decline, chances are you will get one of two answers:

1. “No thanks, I’m trying to quit.”
2. “No thanks, I don’t smoke.”

The difference is very subtle but it ultimately can be the difference between success and failure. The person in the former example’s identity is that of a smoker who is trying to quit, versus the latter being a person who doesn’t smoke at all.

This may seem a little crazy but it genuinely works. The mind follows this new identity like a north star and subconsciously makes progress towards it. “I am trying to be healthy” versus “I am a health nut.” A slice of cake will have a lot less appeal to the second person than the first. The mind simply will not crave it in the same way if it does not believe it is part of your core identity.

When forming a new desired identity, it is important to be broad and real. “I am a great leader,” is better than “I am a great President of my University's Consulting Club,” because it is more sustainable over time. It would be fun to say, “I am outstanding at my job,” on the first day but that would be lying to yourself. Instead, try “I was hired because I am intelligent, creative, and driven, and that will make me excellent at my job.” The former is not true and you will have a confidence crisis when it doesn’t quite happen like that, the latter is true and will give you a genuine confidence boost to make the most of your experience. 

But just changing your identity isn’t enough to build confidence. Imagine a circle around this new identity - for the exercise let’s say your new identity is ‘I am a person who gets things done’. Behaviors that reinforce this identity (taking action, going the extra mile, in this case), casts an imaginary vote inside the circle. Behaviors that contradict the identity (inaction, procrastinating, what have you) casts an imaginary vote outside the circle. The mind is constantly having mini-elections, and if the votes inside in the circle outnumber those on the outside, it will adopt this identity and truly believe it. The result is a new confidence, and ultimately a higher chance of success. 

So how do we cast votes for the identity we desire?

STEP 2: Set expectations... and meet them

Consider the following scenario: You and I make plans to have dinner tonight at a restaurant. Let’s say I don’t show up. No call, no text. You are at a table staring at an empty chair and I am nowhere to be found. At first you may assume I’m running late, then it becomes irritation, worry, and ultimately anger. We may not have dinner again if I don’t apologize.

Now consider a modified scenario: You make plans to go to a yoga class for the first time. You’ve been experiencing some physical pain and find a free class to get your feet wet. When it comes time to actually go to the class, it is 33 degrees outside and pouring rain. You have a ton of other work to do and decide to not go. You didn’t show up but don’t suddenly become angry at yourself.

The only real difference in the two scenarios is the subject. And don’t be fooled by the incongruence of the reaction. Make no mistake, the brain is just as disappointed in you for not showing up for the yoga class as it was in me for not showing up to dinner. It’s just a matter of how it manifests. With the dinner situation, you might be angry in general for a few hours (and angry at me for a few days) but it probably doesn’t last much longer than that. With the yoga situation, you don’t notice the feelings of disappointment but you internalize them and later on will subconsciously have a lower opinion of yourself, and ultimately, low self-confidence.

This has implications to your career as well. If you commit to saying something in a senior level meeting and don’t do it, what does that do for your confidence to speak up? If you say you will send out a deck by the end of the day and you push it off, what does that do for your confidence in following through?

All that is to say, show up for yourself. If that’s too hard, lower the promises you are making. Seriously. It is better to say you will workout three days a week and show up all three times than it is to say you will workout five days a week and show up for four. Be very deliberate in what you are committing to (write it down) and do it.  

STEP 3: Pat yourself on the back

No… I mean literally. Seriously, everyone reading this, take your right arm, reach it over your shoulder and give yourself a solid pat on the back. Do it right now, and pay attention to how it feels, especially in the chest area. Have you felt this sensation before? When? Was it perhaps in times when you had done something well?

Humans are weird. If you are reading this, chances are you’re a go-getting ambitious individual who can be ruthlessly self-critical. Don’t worry, I’m like that too. But there comes a point when focusing on the one shot you missed rather than the nine you made becomes counterproductive. We need to train ourselves to cognitively recognize and appreciate our own success.  

Patting yourself on the back does that on the deepest level. Feeling appreciated is a fundamental human need, and is vital for confidence building, but we are often too dependent on external factors for it. Getting an A on that test, a thousand likes on Instagram, a strong performance review, the awards I mentioned earlier. Those things are great, don’t get me wrong, but they are but a single moment of public appreciation for countless hours of work that no one sees. To build sustainable confidence, the brain needs to identify a job well done and get that sensation.

If you went for a run instead of sleeping in, pat yourself on the back. If you finished that paper instead of procrastinating, pat yourself on the back. Any time you cast a vote for the identity you are trying to adopt, PAT YOURSELF ON THE BACK. Take it a step further, let out a cheer, jump up and down, and celebrate. Do it right now, just reading this blog is a cast vote for your identity that you are committed to self-improvement. 

If you are interested in more CareerProof Content, check out our other blogs and our Career Playbook.

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• Arjun, The CareerProof Team