Volume VI

Gossip.

Buzz, tea, hearsay, slander.

Whatever word we use, we’ve all been part of it.

It usually starts with, “Have you heard?!” and continues with, “I can't believe he would step out on her, and with kids at home!”

Gossip doesn't exist without judgement.

It's different than news, because it's a full on sprint to the moral high ground. We rush to righteousness, spreading others laundry (most often without any facts) for all to see.

We then step away under the guise of nobility.

But, when the tables turn? When we become the subject header?

We can’t believe it.?

We vent that people are so cruel, and so judgemental. We drown in the same shame that we previously lathered on others. We feel alone, judged, and ostracized.

I've been the punch line of both true and fabricated storylines.

I still remember in high school, many of my friends me asking if I was involved with another friends' girlfriend. I was completely shook. It was untrue, but people didn't believe me. My actual grade 10 reality, coming in at 5'6" and barely scratching the surface of puberty, was that I was not involved with any ladies - and completely insecure about it.

I'm not innocent in all of this either.

In university, I remember gossiping about a friend's relationship, and that same friend walking into the room mid-sentence. I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. After this foot-in-my-own mouth experience, I decided I would leave gossip behind.

I never imagined it would take this much effort, and thirteen years later, it still requires so much awareness and work.

We mostly gossip about sex, affairs and relationships.?

It’s as if the details are so juicy that we can’t help ourselves. Of course, we actually know so little about anyone else’s sex life that there are tons of gaps and holes for us to enhance the story along the way.

But the people that we’re gossiping about?

They're real people.

With real lives, real thoughts, and real feelings and real families.

There’s a Buddhist principle called Right Speech, which asks us to abstain from lying, from divisive and abusive speech, and importantly to stop idle chatter. To make this principle more concrete, I like to remind myself:

• 99.9999% of affairs don’t involve me.
• I don’t know, or need to know what is happening in others' lives.
• I don’t get to decide, or have an opinion on what is right or wrong in others' lives.
• I'm no morale saint.
• I have more than enough of my own problems to handle.

We talk so much about alcohol, street drugs, or screen time on our mental health. But gossip also does so much damage. We can literally prevent suicide by treating someone with kindness, and by soothing shame with compassion rather than fuelling it with judgement.

Even when we're the one spreading the tea, we actually walk away feeling toxic. It's like every fibre of our being has been contaminated by what we just put out into the world.

Most of us can’t simply cut out of gossip in one fell swoop. It’s such a habit, a reflex. It feels like it is everywhere, and in every social situation.?

We know that we have to work out daily, literally forever, to stay fit. It's a daily action that produces results. Try the same approach with gossip, the next time you're in a circle and it comes up.

• “I just don’t feel comfortable talking about that person, or their marriage”
• “I'm working on not gossiping, so lets change the subject”

Win the day. Then win the next day.

See how you feel.

See how others respond to you.

I'll bet that a little less gossip will go a long way to making our communities a whole lot healthier ??.

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Welcome to the Growth Room Newsletter?

Every week I drop insights, and lessons learned from inside the walls of my life as a therapist. I reflect on my own life experience as an entrepreneur, lifelong student, and all the ways I've fallen flat on my face in school, business and relationships. These experiences have led to fruitful insights into my own psychology and human nature that I can't wait to share. I'm so glad you're here.

Rankyn