VOLUME 494
19/07/2024
Heartisan.
What does a robot know about love? Well, I asked Chat GPT, and she gave me a great synopsis and some excellent bullet points. But the point is not what robots know about love, but whether they can feel it, and can you really understand love without ever having felt it? Do robots know what it’s like to be surrounded by warmth and affection, do they know the serotonin rush of getting a text back from an ex? No, they do not… yet, at least.
When we create or craft something by hand, the imperfection and the personality that gets imprinted on the object is something very beautiful and uniquely human. Etsy wants to keep commerce human and to reject soulless manufacturing. A lovely sentiment and great for your Gran who loves making weird pendant jewellery. But please Etsy not everything needs to be handmade… keep Gran away from my electric heated butter knife.
On the House.
While you’re munching on your lunch break meal deal that barely stops your tummy from rumbling, MPs are feasting on panko coated lamb loin with carrot and Timothy Taylor Ale pure?e, black garlic, potato galette, and natural jus, at the cost of your hard-earned tax dollars. Some of these MP menu choices are really a mouthful, right? I suppose that’s the point, their mouths are full, fuller than we could ever dream ours to be.
There’s really nothing common about the House of Commons and they don’t care that 3 million Brits relied on foodbanks last year. I guess the MPs need their feast, and to be fair shouting ‘hear, hear’ loudly across a room a hundred times a day must be tiring.
Dairy to Dream.
It’s strange that we drink cow’s milk isn’t it? It’s even stranger considering that none of you would readily pour human breast milk into your bowl of Coco Pops. It also begs the question, why are we so fixed on cows? There are many other mammals who’s milk we’ve never tried. How about we see how giraffe milk tastes in our flat white or how dipping a Digestive into some elephant milk tastes? There’s also bat milk, dolphin milk and many more we never thought to drink. I mean, I’m not saying we start farming tigers, but would it not make sense to diversify our milk sources?
I suppose that’s where Oatly comes in, oat milk is the least freaky of all these types of milk. It is also the best for the planet, and don’t let Big Dairy convince you otherwise. And if you have become numb to climate anxiety, also remember that there is a certain amount of cow pus in every bit of milk you drink… gross I know.
领英推荐
Tango’d.
The weather has been so average this summer that many of you have resorted to a spray on glow, and when I say glow, I mean radiating, thermostat 1000*C, volcanic lava orange glow. It doesn’t look good guys, and I think some of you have just gotten gradually used to it. Like a lobster in a pan as you slowly turn up the heat.
At least we can make fun of ourselves, and Tango does a good job of making fun of us too. They are spray painting people in Shoreditch orange for a chance to win a trip to Mallorca, and honestly on some of these folk, the spray paint isn’t even showing up, no skin off their back. Whoever gets to go to Mallorca will blend right in among the burnt brits abroad. If you don’t mind being a walking advert for Tango, with the words ‘Get Tango’d’ embedded into your tan then go get sprayed. Good luck lobsters!
On to Something.
The day we have all been waiting for. The spray on shoes from ‘Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs’ are here. Just kidding… well almost. On have developed new technology that makes lace-less shoes using robots. These robots spin a pair of trainers in less than three minutes, that’s faster than children in a sweatshop.
The fabric is extra thin, thinner than a sock even, it’s basically a silicone sock with a sole. These shoes are seriously light, 170grams light, which apparently is the weight of a medium sized apple, a bar of soap, a smartphone, a deck of cards or a cup of sugar, for some perspective. But honestly, if you’re wanting to develop some calf muscles you might want shoes with a bit more weight to them.
Beer Bait.
You don’t really expect beer companies to be in the market for making fishing lures, but this is a crossover that Swedish fishermen need apparently. This lure is discouraging you from drinking alcohol while you’re fishing. Do you know why? Perhaps because you won’t catch any fish if you’re splashing around drunk, or because if you’re intoxicated the smell of dead fish is the last thing you need? No, it’s neither of those things, it’s because you might drown, I know a bit morbid but apparently, it’s a common thing.
Carlsberg have created a fishing lure shaped like a drowned man, to help you catch more pikes, not pints. Or if you’re really in tune with the campaign, you’ll have a can of a Carlsberg 0%. Sober Swedes go forth.