Voices of Inclusion

March, 2024

I thought of dozens of women I could have interviewed for Women’s History Month. I’m lucky to know women who are artists, athletes, entrepreneurs, moms, physicians, millionaires, authors, and more. I also thought about women I don’t personally know who have inspired me: Toni Morrison, Martina Navratilova, Viola Davis, and Malala Yousafzai, to name a few. These women all have stories to share that can inspire and teach us about ourselves. As I reflect on the past few years, my greatest memories have been the moments of laughter, exploration, and deep conversation with the women in my life. I’ll never forget going to Sarah McLachlan’s show with my friend Monica. McLachlan paused in the middle of her famous song “Building a Mystery” and whispered into the mic, “Ladies. Men will come and go, but girlfriends? They will last forever.”

If you’re lucky, your girlfriends can also be colleagues. One of those girlfriends for me is Deborah Riegel . We’ve been friends for about 12 years and our friendship deepens with each passing year, and our work as leadership coaches is what brought us together. In our Voices conversation, we dove into how Deborah thinks about some of my favorite topics: authenticity, boundary-setting, goals, and personal challenges.?

Key Takeaway #1: On Authenticity

When I asked Deb how she wants to be known, she shared her definition of authenticity. “You get the same me almost regardless of context,” she said. Deb shared that she is proud of getting to this level of authenticity in her life, underscoring that authenticity is not easy. To explain what she meant by “context,” she explained, “In some contexts, you might get a version of me that I might not recognize, in service of protecting my safety.” This insight landed hard for me. I have moments when I behave in ways that I myself don’t recognize; I become someone I am not. And I learned from Deb that in those moments, I am simply protecting myself from harm. In re-watching our conversation, I noticed a wave of self-compassion envelop me for all those times I lost my voice, lost my patience, or felt threatened and couldn’t show up the way I’d hoped I would. Authenticity is hard, and not always possible or necessary. I think this is important to remember because for women, there is a lot of pressure to be authentic, even as there is pressure to perform or look perfect in our daily roles (motherhood, for example). That tension is certainly alive for me, and I look to Deb as a role model for navigating it. This part of the conversation appears in the video at 6:00.

Key Takeaway #2: On Boundary-Setting

I’ve learned that my personal boundaries are in place to help me live a more congruent life. They put me in situations I want to be in, while keeping me out of situations I don’t want to be in. Deb helped me understand that “boundary setting is [also] about educating others.” She shared, “I know I read as a huge extrovert but I’m actually not that extroverted. I get my energy by being in a very small group or by myself. While I’m good at being social, it doesn’t energize or feed me.” It’s been important for Deb to share this understanding of herself with others because so many people assume she is extroverted and are surprised when she doesn’t want to be in highly social situations. Now I see that I could fortify my boundaries by communicating them with others. I love that because sharing ourselves with others can bring us closer together and invite others to share with us, too. This part of our conversation happens at 11:00.?

Key Takeaway #3: On Learning New Lessons and Changing Old Beliefs

Deb shared that she once believed that, “You can have either money or time but not both.” That resonated with me as I reflected on the times in my life where I had to make certain tradeoffs. But I’ve also noticed, as Deb shares about her own realization, that we don’t have to be confined by those tradeoffs. “I’m learning that I can have both,” Deb shares. “But it is contingent on choices I’m making. I’ve had one but not the other. [The how] will reveal itself to me. It feels like a crossroads for me right now.” Deb shared some ways that she is taking her time back: not working on Fridays, working 8 months of the year, and my favorite, “I don’t do things with free time.” Free time is just that: not busy time or available time to fill in with chores or work. I like to think of it as “choice” time - time that I can do anything I want with. If we can start thinking of our whole lives as free time or choice time, imagine the possibilities for freedom of expression! This part of our conversation happens at 25:00 in the video.?

I’m grateful for my friendship with Deb. It is built on shared respect and admiration, and shared interests. But we also come at those shared interests differently, which is what enriches our conversations and connection. Who are the women in your life who enrich your life? Who’s a woman you’ve worked with or been led by who taught you important lessons about who you are and who you were becoming? This Women’s History Month, I hope you will share with them that they had a beautiful impact on your life.?

As always, stay in touch and let’s be in conversation together.