The Voice in My Head…..

So, let me ask you all – do you ‘hear’ the voice in your head that tells you to do or not to do some stuff? Did you ever wonder where does this Voice come from? Why is always so self-judging… so critical… so harsh? I have tried so hard, many a times, to shut it off, to stop the chatter…but have failed. It's so unrelenting and somehow out of my control.

For most of us the voice keeps incessantly comparing and judging us – and if you don’t have the awareness you might not even realise how busy your mind is all the time! I have realised, through my inner work, that the way to shut the Voice up is by trying to understand it. I tried to learn where it originated from – because that is the first step. I could see myself letting go of judgmental reactions in this process of becoming aware of what it's doing to me.

So what I discovered was that the inner voice was never there to cause me any harm how much ever self-critical it may seem to sound. In fact it was formed to protect me…emotionally. The natural instinct, as a child, would be to explore and play with my friends, losing all sense of time. As a result the scolding and the punishment etched in my memory and logic which would remind me the next time I would like to run out and play with my friends. This could be my parent or the strict matron at school. That’s how the conditioning began…My logical mind would remember the painful effects of the harsh scoldings or the punishment and store it for future use. This became the Voice telling me to be careful and not lose all abandon while at play. The Voice guided me to follow rules in order to be liked, appreciated, loved, and most importantly, not get hurt. So in a way it became my guide… my protector…

Sometimes I would get punished or blamed for things that someone else had done – this taught me that I cannot trust my elders. Now the Voice got more power and it became my trusted friend. It gave me a lot of ‘shoulds’ and ‘shouldn’ts’ based on my past experiences. This gave it a lot of authority over me and I blindly followed the rules without enjoying what the present is offering. I lost my sense of exploration…of curiosity and became a puppet who was being guided by the Voice.

I have based my beliefs on a lot of faulty assumptions. If I would ask for something from mom and she wouldn’t be able to give it to me – for whatever reasons – I would form a belief that if I ask for things I will be always disappointed. Or if she got angry at me for asking something – I thought that asking for things causes pain. I have actually grown up believing these and many such more ‘shoulds’ and ‘oughts’. For the longest time, I haven’t been comfortable asking for anything from anyone. These rules or beliefs have only made me more afraid of asking or expressing my thoughts freely. It killed my spontaneity and I would always take the ‘safe’ route.

For me the awakening moment was when I was going through a crisis and I realised I wasn’t happy – like the Voice had assumed I would be if I followed it's instructions. The disillusionment brought forward the reality that the Voice doesn’t really know! I was functioning on past data to solve current issues and it wasn’t working. The Voice told me how to behave to be accepted by others but it never taught me how to accept myself. I realised I have to let go of this Voice. I need to change the rules…

But Voice won’t leave easily… it's used to be there for so many year, and I have fed it with so much power and authority over me. It's difficult to let go.. because however much it may cause harm there’s familiarity…a sense of it being mine…. It's like a tree that was planted years ago and now the roots are deep inside. Uprooting it might be challenging and will need time and patience and the right kind of tools. Now the question to ask is – has it ever been my voice or someone else’s which I reclaimed as mine? Once you answer this – half the work is done. 

Once we all understand that the Voice is faulty and defies all logic, and listening to it isn’t making you happy – you will be able to look at ways of getting rid of it. Once you tell yourself that the Voice came to instil fear in you to obey rules when you were a child and vulnerable – today as an Adult you are strong and no longer need to be afraid of anyone.

The Voice doesn't allow you to do what your heart wants to do or what makes you happy. It doesn't understand awareness, acceptance or forgiveness. These are the very tools that you can use to propel forward and be free of it. Whether you realise or not, the Voice has never meant you any harm – in fact it has helped you survive difficult times by paying down guidelines that would protect you from punishment. However operating on these outdated guidelines will not yield the result you are looking for today. Even though the intent was always to be happy they were actually leaning towards self-abuse.

Being kind to the Voice and giving it your compassion and gratitude for helping you survive when you needed to and asking it to lay down to rest as it is no longer required.  This will help quieten it down. Be aware that it will only be dormant and never leave you – you will find it rearing up its head from time to time, checking on you, seeing if you need it to be safe. Accepting it to be part of you and allowing it to co-exist quietly is a big step in moving ahead. Looking for options that will help you without needing the Voice is the next step.

Remember, on some days you have to create your own sunshine. Don’t worry, you are going to be great at it!