That Voice Inside Your Head & 5 Ways to Break Free

When we talk about patriarchy, as we have been covering in our Women Rising book series, we often think of external forces—societal structures, workplace hierarchies, media portrayals—that shape the world around us. These visible systems reinforce traditional power dynamics and influence how we, especially as women, are “supposed” to look, act, and lead.

But there’s another form of patriarchy that’s less visible, though just as powerful: the internal patriarchy. This inner force, woven into our minds through years of cultural conditioning, fuels what we call the inner critic. Shaped by external expectations, this inner voice relentlessly questions our worth, capabilities, and dreams, and often sounds like a familiar friend. In reality, it’s an internalised enforcer of patriarchal beliefs—a subtle yet powerful voice that sows doubt and keeps us small.

This inner critic reflects the patriarchy that lives not only in the world around us but also within us, disguised as personal insecurities or fears. It has internalised every “should,” “must,” and “have-to” that society has imposed, making us feel that we’ll never measure up. But uncovering this voice helps us understand that not all of our thoughts are truly ours. Many are remnants of societal norms now living within, and in recognising this, we can reclaim our true selves.

Let’s explore how this inner critic manifests and how to begin reshaping our self-talk to transform these internalised narratives into sources of strength and self-compassion.

The Tyranny of “Shoulds”: I Should Be More…

The inner critic often thrives on “shoulds.” These are expectations that reflect societal standards, telling us what we “should” prioritise, how we “should” look, and what kind of person we “should” be. Maybe you’ve felt that you should prioritise family over your career or be the perfect mother, friend, or partner. These shoulds act as invisible chains, tying us to an ideal that often isn’t our own.

The result? A constant feeling of inadequacy, guilt, and self-doubt. The irony is that these shoulds are rarely things we truly want for ourselves—they’re ideas we’ve absorbed over time, driven by social norms. Reflecting on these shoulds and questioning where they came from can begin to break the cycle. When we recognise them as external expectations, we can start choosing aspirations that align with our values instead.

The Illusion of “Musts”: I Must Achieve…

Musts are even more insidious, carrying an urgency that says our lives “must” look a certain way to be meaningful. These musts are like an internalised script that dictates the only acceptable paths to success and happiness. For many women, this script demands we constantly prove ourselves, aiming for achievements that may not truly fulfil us. But the musts often clash with personal fulfilment, making us feel trapped by our own lives.

Imagine the woman who believes she must climb the corporate ladder to prove her worth, despite her longing for a more creative or personally meaningful path. The inner critic loves to use these musts as a weapon, whispering that anything less is failure. Reclaiming power over these musts means questioning whether they truly bring happiness or whether they’re expectations inherited from societal conditioning. Once we begin to reject the musts that don’t serve us, we allow room for more authentic choices to emerge.

The Struggle with “Have-Tos”: I Have to Keep It All Together

Have-tos represent the many roles and obligations women often feel compelled to fulfill, even at the expense of our own wellbeing. While shoulds and musts reflect ideals, have-to are about obligations we feel bound to carry. These could be the belief that we “have to” handle all household responsibilities single-handedly or be the primary caregiver for aging parents, even if it means sacrificing our own dreams and wellbeing.

Breaking free from have-tos is about learning to discern what’s truly necessary and what’s imposed by external pressures. Redefining have-tos starts with honest self-reflection and establishing boundaries to prioritise personal well-being. By releasing some of these obligations and finding space to honour our needs, we begin creating a healthier, more sustainable balance in our lives.

Recognising the Patterns of the Inner Critic

The inner critic doesn’t form in isolation. It’s shaped by childhood experiences, societal expectations, and messages we’ve absorbed over time. It grows out of everything we’ve seen, heard, and experienced, creating a chorus of voices from the past that urge us to meet impossible standards.

A favourite tactic of the inner critic is comparison. It watches others and critiques us for not measuring up, fuelling insecurity and self-doubt. It thrives on perfectionism, pushing us to drive and strive for unattainable ideals. This same voice fuels imposter syndrome, whispering that we don’t deserve our success. For many of us, this voice is the reason we hesitate to speak up in meetings or go for that promotion, only to see others praised for the same thoughts we were afraid to voice. Recognising these patterns is key to dismantling the inner critic’s hold on us.

Finding Power Beyond the Inner Critic

The voice of the inner critic may feel strong, but it’s not invincible. Managing it isn’t about silencing it entirely—an impossible task—but rather about transforming how we interact with it. It’s about learning to differentiate between the critic’s voice and our true thoughts and beginning to rewrite the narrative in a way that empowers rather than limits us.

Top Five Tips for Breaking Free from the Inner Critic

• Challenge “Shoulds” and “Musts”: Start noticing the expectations that dictate how you feel you should or must act. Journal about where these beliefs came from and whether they align with your true values. Releasing the pressure of “shoulds” and “musts” allows room for choices that reflect what genuinely matters to you.
• Set Boundaries Around “Have-Tos”: Reflect on the obligations you feel compelled to fulfil and assess whether they truly serve you. Practice setting gentle, realistic boundaries around these “have-tos” by prioritizing what is essential and learning to let go of what’s been imposed by external expectations.
• Turn Down the Volume on Comparisons: The inner critic often thrives on comparison, measuring you against others to fuel doubt. When you catch yourself in comparison mode, try to refocus on your own path and progress. Remind yourself that your journey is unique, and your worth isn’t determined by where others are in their lives.
• Embrace Imperfection as Growth: Perfectionism is a favorite tactic of the inner critic, setting impossible standards that keep us from moving forward. Reframe perfectionism by celebrating small wins and seeing mistakes as valuable learning experiences. This shift weakens the critic’s hold and fosters a growth-oriented mindset.
• Build an Inner Ally: Replace the critic’s harsh voice with an inner ally by practicing self-compassion. When self-doubt arises, imagine how you’d support a friend in the same situation, and offer yourself the same kind words. Over time, this compassionate voice can become your go-to response, reinforcing your self-worth.

Breaking free from these internalised voices is a journey, but it’s one worth taking. With self-awareness, compassion, and practical tools, we can turn our inner critic from a source of doubt into a guide that supports us on the path to living our fullest, truest lives. This journey isn’t about battling yourself; it’s about befriending the part of you held back by fear and helping it to become a powerful inner ally.

You are not alone on this path, and with each step, you’ll move closer to a life built on your own terms.

In my new Women Rising book , I dive deeply into the exact tools and strategies you can use to break free from the inner critic and create the life and career that you truly want for yourself. I invite you to order your copy today at womenrisingbook.com