Vitriol: Narcissistic Parental Abuse

Defining Narcissism vs. Narcissistic Personality Disorder

To better understand the conclusion of this tragedy, we need to define the patterns of learned behaviours and the resulting Narcissistic Personality Disorders (NPD) which led to it. To do that we first need to discuss what NPD is and how it is different from normal or healthy narcissism (NN).

Many of us have heard the tale of Narcissus from Greek mythology. Narcissus starved to death because he fell in love with his reflection in a pool of water and refused to leave it. This is the result of pathological narcissism or NPD. If he had just checked his reflection like we all typically do in the morning and moved on with his day, that would be healthy narcissism. We are all guilty of a bit of healthy narcissism, especially in these days of social media. Healthy narcissism can generate positive self-image and self-esteem but can lead to bragging or demeaning others. The key difference here is that someone with NN will recognize that what they have said or done has hurt others, can feel empathy, and will try to correct the situation.

For someone with NPD, the lack of empathy for others is a key criterion for diagnosis. Sufferers of NPD need what is called ‘narcissistic supply’, meaning the emotional reaction from others, whether negative or positive, to fill the gaping hole of low self-esteem most of them have. They require constant reassurance and admiration from others and can become hostile and angry, even rageful if their needs are not met. To get their supply they will attempt to manipulate and control others through any means necessary, including outright lies and aggressive or demeaning behaviour. According to the American Psychological Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual 5th Edition, the main traits or criteria for diagnosing NPD are as follows:

1. Inflated self-esteem or a grandiose sense of self-importance or superiority
2. Craving admiration
3. Exploitative relationships (i.e., manipulation)
4. Little to no empathy
5. Identity is easily disturbed (i.e., can’t handle criticism)
6. Lack of attachment and intimacy
7. Feelings of depression or emptiness when not validated
8. A sense of entitlement
9. Can feel like others are envious of them, or may envy others

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But what causes NPD? While the exact causes are unknown, NPD is typically the result of a child’s developmental environment. Abuse, neglect, overt and excessive criticism, excessive praise or overvaluation by parents or peers, or observation of parents’ behaviour may all attribute to the development of NPD. Children will often incorporate the traits and behaviours of their caregivers; this is a factor in generational trauma and abuse.

Diagnosis of NPD is very difficult due to inflated self-esteem and a sense of superiority. People who suffer from NPD often believe that there is nothing wrong with them or their behaviour so they will not seek treatment. Often these individuals will wear a mask to the outside world and may be perceived as positive members of society, great leaders, or humanitarians; however, these statuses hide the need to be, or be perceived as, superior to others and to gain social status through underlying manipulation and control of others. They are quick to find fault in others, pointing out mistakes and criticizing overtly or shaming, instead of teaching or correcting. If they are criticized or have their mistakes pointed out, people with NPD will typically deflect or redirect the blame onto others, or even become angry or hostile. Behind closed doors, individuals with NPD can be abusive and demeaning to those close to them to get their narcissistic supply. This may lead to serious mental health issues in children or other family members.

People with NPD suffer from a lack of empathy which precludes them from being able to identify when they have hurt others or damaged relationships, believing themselves to always be right in thought and action. Further, as the individual ages and loses their looks, their social status, and even the loss of their narcissistic supply in the form of friends or family members whom they have been manipulating, this will cause a downward spiral into a more severe form of NPD. They will be unable to wear their mask anymore as their disorder takes over, and their behaviours become more apparent to others and further decrease the status and admiration they so desire. This creates a self-fulfilling prophecy of greater self-hate and outward abuse toward others.

This is the basic difference between healthy or normal narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Next, let’s delve deeper into NPD and the different sub-categories to define further the types of behaviours associated with the variations of NPD.

?Grandiose/Malignant Narcissistic Personality Disorder

This form of narcissism is the more well-known of the two main types of NPD. As the title implies, these are the individuals that are the most grandiose when displaying traits of narcissism. They project an air of entitlement, self-absorption, and high self-esteem and they may present as vain, arrogant, and boastful. These traits hide their insecurity and self-hatred. They may present to the outside world as great leaders, humanitarians, or devoted spouses and parents; however, these typically mask a need for feelings of superiority and control, and to be acknowledged as great individuals. To achieve the latter, they may manipulate and control others, and lie or obscure the truth to appear greater than they are. If their needs are not met, they can become angry or explosively rageful.

?Typically, individuals who display the traits of a grandiose narcissist were rejected or made to feel unimportant by a parent or caregiver. The constant feeling of never being good enough for the attention of their caregiver evolves into a need to be the centre of attention and to be placated and served. Without the proper attention or empathy from their caregiver, the grandiose narcissist has little to no empathy for others. This develops into a sense that they can manipulate or control others without understanding whether they cause harm to others; as long as their needs are met, no matter the means to that end, how others feel, or are made to feel, is unimportant.

?At work, they may be the ones bringing in the most money or contracts, or appear to be a great leader; but, to do so they demean others, deflect errors to co-workers, or dehumanize employees in front of other co-workers by berating them or being a general tyrant. They may hold back company policies or procedures so they don’t have to follow the rules and can manipulate employees to their advantage, resulting in high turnover or feelings of anxiety and stress in employees whenever they are present. Often, when there are issues at work a grandiose narcissist will take their anger home with them and take it out on the ones closest to them.

?A grandiose narcissistic parent can be even worse than an employer. They are arrogant, demeaning, demanding, disrespectful, and authoritarian. If their, often very strict, rules are not being followed explosive rage, yelling, and physical threats are common. They may make children into servants required to do their laundry, dishes, and cleaning without question. While chores are necessary for developing children and their future behaviours, when it becomes a terrifying experience if those chores are not done because the child is threatened, yelled at, or physically assaulted, this becomes an abusive situation. Children live in a constantly heightened, dysregulated state of fear or anxiety that they will be abused and must walk on eggshells. Sometimes other family members will set up systems to recognize moods and demeanours and warn each other if the narcissist is being abusive. The grandiose parent will present as a caring, loving parent to the outside world; however, the abuse begins once the door is closed.

?When grandiose narcissism and Substance Use Disorder (SUD) collide, dealing with them becomes even more difficult. While impaired by reduced inhibitions through GABA neurotransmitter manipulation their true nature comes to the fore. They do not attempt to wear their mask and become even more abusive, and potentially aggressive. Behaviours or things they might keep in check while sober, such as insults and their perception of the truth or physical aggression, become common. When going through withdrawal, i.e., hung-over, and depleted of happy neurotransmitters such as dopamine and serotonin, they are more easily angered and reactive emotionally.

?Dealing with a grandiose narcissist can be exhausting. Their constant demands, and lip-quivering rage when they are not met, take a heavy toll on those around them. Environments such as work and home become toxic, abusive, and stressful, even traumatic. Employees and family members often suffer from personality disorders such as Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) or Generalized Anxiety Disorder. It often feels as though one is unable to escape their bully which may cause depressive episodes and maladaptive regulation of emotions and behaviour. Family events may become like minefields where saying the wrong thing can turn it into an explosive disaster.

?Unless treatment is sought, the grandiose narcissist will only get worse with time; however, the nature of NPD precludes them from believing that anything is wrong with them and are unlikely to seek treatment. As they lose control over the years, whether it is retirement or children leaving the home, their need to control and manipulate increases and becomes more apparent. They become angrier and are less able to control their emotions causing more occurrences of anger, rage, and abuse. This, in turn, may result in higher rates of substance use which causes a greater loss of control of their behaviours.

?Covert/Vulnerable Narcissistic Personality Disorder

The behavioural traits of the more insidious of the two main types of NPD are implied in its name as well. The covert narcissist is often much harder to detect due to the nature of their emotional abuse. Using covert means, and often playing the vulnerable persona, leads to more subversive types of manipulation and control. Common behaviours such as passive-aggressive communication, playing the victim or displaying self-pity, or acting humble or anxious, create a sense of vulnerability to them; however, underneath they are distrustful, self-centred, lack empathy, and expect special treatment. The abuse they engender is typically emotional in nature and if they are confronted with their behaviour they will identify as the victim and shift blame to others. Almost a mirror image of the grandiose narcissist they do not demand to be the centre of attention through ostentatious behaviour; however, they still expect it and are slighted when they do not.

?Like the grandiose narcissist, covert narcissists were similarly rejected or made to feel unimportant by a parent or caregiver; however, this is often due to abandonment. By being abandoned, or feeling abandoned, without the guidance of a stable caregiver, they fail to evolve emotional empathy, self-awareness, or a sense of identity and self-esteem during their developmental stages. As they get older, they develop heightened insecurity, and hypersensitivity to criticism, and suffer from feelings of neglect, mistrust and envy. Their need to be the centre of attention drives them to be dismissive of others and may be inattentive or annoyed when others talk. They may be highly envious of their children’s relationship with their spouse and attempt to sabotage that relationship. They are highly manipulative, using techniques such as gaslighting, belittling or blaming others, making unreasonable demands, and exploiting or attacking others’ vulnerabilities. By making others feel demeaned or destroying their confidence and sense of self they elevate themselves, in their own mind, to the status they desire, but still, never fill that deep hole of self-hate inside.

?A covert narcissistic parent can be even more harmful and abusive than a grandiose one. This is often due to the covert nature of the abuse itself. It may go unnoticed for years as they single out only one child from the others and abuse them in private. They may also target a single child through a process called triangulation. Triangulation is where the covert narcissist identifies a single child or individual as their main narcissistic supply and uses subversive means to convince the other family members that there is something wrong with that individual and turn the family against them. Through this process is developed a ‘golden child’, or children, and a ‘scapegoat child’ upon whom all the abuse is given. By creating this scapegoat child, the rest of the family may not recognize the abuse as harmful or may begin to enable the abuse or abuse that child themselves. To maintain this perspective the covert narcissist may use outright deception, accusations, and lies to keep up the perception. Through practices such as gaslighting, the scapegoat child begins to believe that there is something wrong with them and that they deserve the abuse they receive. Over time the triangulation may shift back and forth between different children and the roles of golden and scapegoat child may exchange, especially if one or more of the children leave home.

?The most harmful traits that a covert narcissistic parent might incorporate on the scapegoat child include: belittling or blaming, condescension, criticizing and judging, gaslighting, smear campaigns, and using guilt and shame to punish. Over time, especially years, the scapegoat child is worn down and struggles with feelings of worthlessness, depression, anxiety, fear and anger. The child may develop severe CPTSD, SUD, eating disorders, or even turn to self-harm such as cutting. Often vain and focused on appearance, the covert narcissist may pick at the child’s appearance, lifestyle, or choice of friends. Any positive things in the child’s life will be dismissed or demeaned as though they are undeserving of it. They can say cruel and hurtful things to shatter the child’s self-esteem and self-worth, all to feel superior in an attempt to fill the empty hole inside them.

?Similarly to the grandiose narcissist, if treatment is not sought the covert narcissist will also only get worse with time. As they lose their looks while they age or lose their central prominence in their social groups or family, their need to control and manipulate increases and becomes more aggressive. The mask they wear in front of people outside these groups becomes harder to hold up as demeaning and harmful comments and emotional abuse begin to show more often and are harder to hide. The abuse may spiral out to others inside and outside their family and social groups.

?If an individual suffering from covert NPD develops any cognitive diseases as they age, such as Alzheimer’s, the symptoms of the co-morbid deficiencies become mingled. To family members or friends, it becomes difficult to ascertain whether abuse is due to cognitive impairments from the disease or their personality disorder. Lies will become more obvious as they grasp to comprehend what is going on around them or they try to cover up lapses in memory or judgement. Blame gets shifted from themselves to those around them when they are incapable of making rational decisions or remembering where they placed items such as medication. This may, in turn, develop into full-blown rage and tantrums if their demands are not met or they fail to comprehend the decisions being made about their care. Often this type of abuse is targeted toward the scapegoat child of the family.

?Children of NPD Abuse

One of the biggest issues of being abused in a family system is that one does not know that it is abuse. Without knowledge of how family systems should be, with support and love, children come to believe that this is how families behave. Children do not have the comprehension to understand that they are not getting the love, support, and guidance to become healthy adults. Often, observations of other families of friends create confusion and a desire to spend more time with those families where things are positive and happy. As children suffer through abuse several critical issues happen that can cause severe behavioural disorders.

Children of narcissistic parents will not feel heard or seen due to abandonment and neglect. They are often left to care for themselves unless it is to care for the parent, or somehow be beneficial for the parent, resulting in the child’s feelings and reality not being acknowledged. This also creates a feeling that the child is an accessory to the parent, rather than a person. The narcissistic need of a parent with NPD creates a sense that children are more valued for what they do for them, rather than for who they are as a person. Children are not taught to give credit to themselves when deserved; instead, they will get a mixed and crazy-making message of “do well to make me proud as an extension of the parent, but don’t do too well and outshine me.” If the child is perceived as outshining the parent, they may experience jealousy from the parent.

When children are constantly criticized and gaslighted, they do not learn to identify or trust their own feelings and will grow up with crippling self-doubt. By constantly being demeaned, judged, and shamed for how they look and feel, children will be taught that how they look is more important than how they feel. Consequently, children will be fearful of being real, and will instead be taught that image is more important than authenticity and a sense that they are not loved for who they truly are. Children are not encouraged to develop their own sense of self and instead are taught that the parents are always right and should be emulated. This creates difficulty for the child to have the necessary individuation from the parent as they get older. This, in turn, may develop into eating disorders or depression and anxiety about how they appear and behave in front of others. Children are taught to seek external validation versus internal validation.

?To maintain the appearance of a healthy, happy family, children are taught to keep secrets to protect the parent and the family. Narcissistically abused children are programmed to never talk about what goes on behind closed doors and lie about how perfect everything is at home. Trying to speak about it results in denial and more gaslighting, more often anger and rage. Problems caused by the parents are deflected onto the children as if something is wrong with them instead of the parents. As a result, children will feel emotionally empty and not nurtured. This creates a feeling that children are there for the parent, rather than the other way around, as it should be.

?When a caregiver often lies or asks their children to lie to protect them and the family, this will create a trust issue within them. The consequence of this learned behaviour is that children will become distrustful of others as well as themselves. This creates a feeling of being used and manipulated. Invasions of privacy, as well as judgement and shame, create feelings of not being good enough and frustrations around trying to seek love, approval, and attention that never comes. This may result in children not developing appropriate boundaries within their own relationships as they get older.

?Without a role model for healthy emotional connections, children of narcissistic parents will have stunted emotional development. Children will not learn healthy self-care but instead will be at risk of becoming ‘co-dependent’. Through manipulation and control, narcissistic parents create an inability for the children to handle the outside world and become completely dependent on the parents. The children become required to take care of the parents to the exclusion of taking care of themselves. They are often shamed and humiliated by a narcissistic parent and will grow up with poor self-esteem and suffer from severe self-doubt due to the dependence, which may develop into imposter syndrome; a belief that they do not deserve recognition for their achievements and a sense that they do not have the skills or abilities to manage their own lives. Because narcissistically abused children will grow up believing they are unworthy and unlovable, they may have a belief that ‘if my parent can’t love me, who will?’

?Due to constant emotional, possibly even physical, abuse of the narcissistic parent, the abused children will ultimately suffer from some level of post-traumatic stress disorder, typically more of a complex variation (CPTSD), as well as depression and anxiety in adulthood. Coupled with the stunted emotional development and the learned behaviour around anger, rage, and tantrums, children of narcissistic abuse will develop ongoing issues in multiple facets of their lives including managing stress, intimate relationships, work, and self-regulation. To regulate the trauma they have experienced, there are multiple disorders that may arise including substance use disorder, eating disorders, self-harm, and various personality disorders, including their own narcissistic personality disorder which potentially continues the generational trauma with their own children. To ensure effective recovery from the years of abuse, adult children of narcissistic parents will need trauma recovery and will have to re-parent themselves in adulthood.

Conclusion and Resolution

While individuals that suffer from NPD should be held accountable and responsible for their actions and behaviours towards others, it is hard to fault them for developing the disorder. People who have NPD are often victims themselves; victims of their parent’s or caregiver’s behaviour toward them during development. Their inability to accept responsibility, however, makes forgiving them for their actions difficult. Unless someone accepts responsibility for their behaviour and shows true empathy and remorse, how do you forgive them? If they continue with that behaviour, refuse to get help, or will not even listen when you are trying to hold them accountable or explain how negatively you have been affected, can you move on? The answer is both yes and no.

Victims of NPD could confront and attempt to hold the abuser accountable, but it is often wasted breath. The most recent discussions regarding NPD are that it may not be treatable at all; they will never get better, nor will they ever take responsibility for their behaviour. Remember, people who suffer from NPD strictly believe themselves to be perfectly right in thought and action. Their lack of empathy makes the victim unworthy or weak and not deserving of appreciation, especially when they display how hurt they have been. When exposing a narcissist, one must be wary of the consequences. The narcissist may employ 'flying monkeys', defined as individuals, even family members, that are used to spy and triangulate the victim. Narcissists may also engage in smear campaigns in an attempt to discredit the exposer or create emotional upheaval and dysregulation. Other dangerous tactics, especially in covert narcissists, are the practices of 'hoovering' and 'love-bombing'. These types of practices have the intent to woo the abused back under the wing to re-establish dominance and abuse.

When someone with NPD is confronted the response is typically denial and anger so if you are thinking of confronting your abuser to get amends, you might as well hit your head against a brick wall and be ready for a rage fest. However, with this new understanding of how they became who they are and that what happened to you is not your fault, we can begin to heal and put in place practices such as ‘grey rock,’ where you do not share personal feelings or information, or very little to no contact boundaries. The only option is to distance yourself from the person with NPD as much as possible or become indifferent to the behaviour and their emotional reactions. Only then can we truly start healing by cutting out the toxic behaviour from our lives.