The Vital But Forgotten Soft Skill of Truly Successful People

Conflict is one of the great inevitabilities of life (after death and taxes). And while you can try to avoid conflict for a while, you cannot escape it.

This is especially true if you are in a leadership position in the workplace. Conflict — and, more specifically, conflict resolution — is your job. The more you are able to recognize it, understand it, and ultimately resolve it, the more successful you will be.

When I published my recent post on the most important soft skills of successful people Tracey-Leigh Wessels commented that there was another vital one I forgot - conflict management. I agreed and replied that I would do a post on the topic, so here we are.

The vital soft skill of leaders

I don’t think it can be overstated that conflict management and resolution is perhaps the most important soft skill for leaders, because in a leadership position, you will encounter conflict every day.

Avoiding conflict is rarely a good idea, because it allows problems to fester and worsen. We’ve all had or known a boss who repeatedly gave into someone simply because he wanted to avoid the conflict. In parenting, that turns out spoiled kids; in business it turns out weak leaders.

Too many times, I’ve witnessed otherwise smart and capable professionals lose control over a project or a team because they were unwilling or unable to engage and defuse a conflict that arose.

But conflict doesn’t have to be a dead weight on a project or a team if you, as the leader, brush up on some key conflict management skills.

Hone your conflict management skills

The first step you can take is to prevent conflicts that are preventable — not all of them are, but by actually seeking out a potential conflict and taking steps to mitigate it, you’ll make your job ultimately much easier. For example, if someone on your team sends out a vague email that could easily be misunderstood, asking for clarification upfront could head off future conflict.

As a leader, you also need to be proactive in defining what is and isn’t acceptable and helpful in a given situation. If, as in our previous example, team members are often sending vague emails or not including all the relevant information, creating a template for project updates with all the necessary parts can help prevent misunderstandings and conflict. Likewise, easy to understand rules and expectations make conflicts easier to resolve: when someone doesn’t meet expectations, there are consequences.

Finally, it’s important to remember to pick your battles. Seeking out conflict just because you can isn’t the mark of a good leader. Understanding which conflicts are important and which are petty annoyances is an important skill to master.

5 steps to handling a conflict

The next time you’re faced with a conflict, try practicing these five steps for handling the situation:

Stop and think. Don’t react right away. Our first reactions are almost always emotional, and those feelings can cloud the issue. Take a second to breathe.

Acknowledge the conflict. Try saying something like, “I’m feeling some tension here. Let’s talk about it.”

Engage in active listening. While the other person is talking, actually stop and listen to them — don’t just use the time to formulate your argument! Ask questions. Repeat key phrases; “What I’m hearing you say is…” And don’t jump to defend yourself.

Stay on topic. When responding or giving feedback, concentrate on the issue at hand, not how you feel about the person or what he or she might have done this morning or last week. Be specific and descriptive, and focus on your thoughts, feelings, and wants. You might say, “Here’s what I was expecting, and here’s what happened. Let’s talk about the gap.”

Be respectful. No matter how the other person reacts, stay calm and respectful. If their emotions or attitude are preventing a resolution, you can always take a break and come back when they’ve calmed down.

Every conflict is an opportunity

Teachers often talk about “teachable moments,” and every conflict is a strong teachable moment. When there are two sides, two opposing viewpoints, there is a remarkable opportunity for learning, innovation, and even team building.

Great leaders don’t shy away from conflict or avoid it, but rather see it as a tool for bringing a team closer together. When there is a desire to resolve a conflict, it can be resolved — every time — and usually to the benefit of both parties.

Creating these win/win resolutions is a skill that can only be built over time with a great deal of practice, but it’s also one of the strongest hallmarks of a true leader.

How do you deal with conflict in your organization or team? Do you believe in seeking out conflict proactively, or avoiding it to maintain the peace? I’d be interested in hearing your thoughts in the comments below.

Also, if you would like to read my regular posts then please click 'Follow' and feel free to connect via Twitter, Facebook and The Advanced Performance Institute.

Here are some other recent posts I have written:

• The Ultimate Soft Skills of Truly Successful People
• Career Choices You Will Regret in 20 Years Time
• Stop Using These Words In Your Emails!
• How Not To Introduce Yourself
• The One Thing Successful People Never Do
• The 15 Biggest Body Language Mistakes To Watch Out For
• The 25 KPIs Every Manager Needs to Know

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Bernard Marr is a bestselling business author and is globally recognized as an expert in strategy, performance management, analytics, KPIs and big data. His latest book is 'Big Data - Using Smart Big Data, Analytics and Metrics To Make Better Decisions and Improve Performance'.

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