Violent Men - A Message to You
Violent Men – A direct Message to You
The burning alive of a beautiful, kind and wonderful woman and her three children in Qld is the lowest point I have ever seen domestic violence sink to in this country. Any death at the hands of violent men of their partners and children is appalling and this cannot go on. I hate you for the way you treat women and I despise and reject the words you use, the actions you take and the thinking that is in your head.
Another week goes by and another story appears in the paper, on social media, on the TV. A little girl dead in a suitcase tossed by the side of the road, her mother killed. A mother of three killed and the husband, now a convicted wife killer, wants a reduced sentence saying it’s all a misunderstanding – he didn’t mean to kill her. An 11 year old girl offered by her father to men for sex in exchange for money. A teenage girl raped by a pack of men on her way home to mum…and on and on it goes.
I feel some of the pain that abused women must feel and I cry for them. I know what it feels like to feel the full force of physical violence. As a little boy I could not possibly hope to process, on an intellectual level, the thrashings and the rage that was metered out to me. Fear of heavy footsteps, the smell of alcohol, the sharp and angry tone of an enraged father translated into fear, panic and massive anxiety attacks that stopped me in my tracks, froze my movements and took away my right to feel safe. I failed at school because I had lost the ability to focus, to laugh and to play. I failed in my friendships because I withdrew and preferred to be alone. I could not possibly understand what was happening to me as I wet my bed every night and I was simply in survival mode for all of my formative years. This broke me and I had to rebuild.
The capacity for some men’s violence in our society towards women seems to know no boundaries and I am deeply sickened by it. Men routinely grabbing, touching and speaking to women in inappropriate ways and then becoming enraged at the women because she says “No.” The man then exercises what he sees as his right and beats the woman sometimes killing her.
Two women a week in Australia are killed by an enraged husband or partner. And I haven’t even started on what happens to girls and women in war zones but when I think about 100 women a year being killed in Australia from domestic violence that certainly sounds like a war zone to me. And every decent man should be on that frontline fighting against that horrendous statistic.
After the beatings and the killings these violent men are ‘sorry.’ They blame it on alcohol, stress and a myriad of other things as if to somehow twist and turn themselves into victims as well. They are only ‘sorry’ when their abusive behavior is found out and most certainly would have gone on-and-on if they were never caught. They experience shame only when the spotlight is shone on them and their arrogant, sickening and criminal treatment of women is exposed and brought out from behind closed doors into the light so that we can see it for what it is.
This isn’t just about the terrible violence that abusive men commit on the women in their lives - it affects everything. Homelessness in women has direct and strong links with domestic violence. Health issues, hospitalization, isolation from family, loss of employment, inability to read / write and get an education – these are all linked to family violence and these are only the start of the massive social issues abused women face.
Women, mothers, wives, partners are the nucleus of the family. They are the centre around which the rest of the family members orbit. The family unit is preserved when we men protect and treat the women in our lives and by extension, the women in society with the all dignity and respect they deserve. If we don’t, the structure of the family collapses and then - so do we.
What happened to these men? Where did they go wrong and how did they stray so very far from being the quiet, respectful and dignified protectors of the families in their lives? What happened to leadership based on dignity and respect for the women and children in our lives and our society?
I struggle with the thought that there will ever be an end to this. My daughter is growing up and I am so fearful that she may one day become a victim. Day after day a new violent act is visited on women and it is escalating. I want to know what to do to finally stop these acts of horror that are routinely metered out to women in our society. I want it to stop and I would do anything to stamp out the violence men commit on women.
Violent men need to understand this - In hitting, abusing, insulting and denigrating women with your words and your deeds you diminish yourself and you undermine the very thing that makes you a man. We cannot go on like this. We can make a difference and it starts on the very spot where we stand. This is not something that can be solved by policy, procedure, Laws and regulation alone. We men are the start and finish of this and it takes men like those reading this and supporters of White Ribbon and 1800 RESPECT to push for change.
Let us commit to getting it where it starts – with our sons as they grow up. In role-modeling kindness and gentleness to the young men in our lives we teach them to value women, and in fact how to treat all people with dignity and respect in their lives. Courage, strength, resilience, commitment, focus, determination are all highly prized foundations of quality leadership for the home and workplace. These qualities do not exist in an environment of violence and abuse. They exist and prosper in a place of quiet, a place of kindness and a place of deep respect.
So with this in mind, this is my direct message to violent men who are abusive towards the women in their lives….
The damage you are doing to your family is deep and it is profound. When you beat a family member you are transferring the pain you carry in you from your childhood onto them. It is a burden that they in turn will carry for the rest of their lives. Because you could not find the courage to deal with your ‘demons’ and break that chain all these years, you assuaged your sense of pain, sorrow and loss with alcohol, drugs and other substances. Your pain has sat in you like a cancer, eating away at your soul until it has come out in rage. Rage needs an escape because it is an emotion that simply cannot be contained in the human heart. You reached for your belt, a stick, a weapon or just used your fists and directed your fury on the weak and vulnerable that cannot possibly defend themselves – your family.
That damage will never leave the family members you abuse and they are destined to carry the pain, horror, sorrow and sadness you have transferred on to them. It cannot be undone and it will alter their lives. As they grow up and move through their lives the ‘demons’ you could not find the courage to fight in your life will come to haunt them in every aspect of their lives. These demons will manifest themselves as stress, anxiety, self-loathing, unexplainable aches and pains, depression and a string of other mental health conditions.
Courage is a quality that all men must display at some time in their life. It is the one quality that is in all of us but it is buried deep and has to be ‘dug’ for on a daily basis. If you do not dig for and find your courage every day as a father, husband, role-model and mentor for your family the one thing that you always wanted and violently beat them over – respect – will be forever lost to you.
You do not have the right to violently abuse your family. You never did and you never will. They never gave you permission. With each hit, each punch, each abusive tirade born of your lack of courage and your weak heart you drive them further and further away. In each of your frenzied assaults on them you have undermined your position as father and disqualified yourself from your ability to lead, coach, role model and mentor your family. They don’t want you any more because you make them sick.
Your partner has lost respect for you and that will never return. Ever. This truly is the last stand and measuring stick for a family – a wife or partner sickened at the very sight of the abusive man in her life. You are now lost to your family. You have engineered this, you have taken the family to this dark place and only you can take them back.
Courage can be measured in many ways but for a real Dad, a husband, a partner it does its work in a quiet, intelligent and deeply respectful space. Start digging for your courage. The courage to stop drinking, to reach out for help, to say sorry and mean it, the courage to look inside yourself and search for the ‘demons’ in the dark places of your heart and mind that have been hunting and haunting you for all these years. Find them and slay them before they slay you. Because they will. They will come back time and time again. They will come in the night and they will not stop until you stop them.
The only fight you must have in life is with your demons. You find and you fight them...and win and then you will be free. There is help for you in this. Professional people with the right skills have ‘maps’ that are the way forward for you. There is great courage in admitting defeat and asking for help. In surrendering you win, in laying down your weapons, your fists, you have won the first and biggest battle. It will be easier from there.
Slay the dragons and demons in your life and in your mind like a knight in armor would…then find your way back to your family. Stand as a sentinel would on this frontline and guard your family with everything you have. Fight this war being waged on women and fight this good fight to the very end with everything you have. This is truly a cause worth dying for and living for.
The gentle hug from your child, the touch of your wife’s hand on your face, the absence of anger in the home and above all your ability to once again look back at the man in the mirror and hold his gaze will be sign posts that you have made it back. You owe them this.
And as long as you live, absolutely nothing else matters but this.