Violation

by Cathy Oddie

I wake up to flashbacks of how men have violated my body.

The partner who was meant to love and respect me,

The police officer who was meant to protect me,

The stranger who should have just left me alone.

I feel like I am screaming silently into the abyss,

Like that Edvard Munch painting.

I hear their voices telling me

“If you loved me you would",

I tell him I am too tired.

“Take your top off, or I’ll rip it off”,?

I am too scared to say no.

“Get on the fucking bed”,

I am frozen into robotic compliance,

Seeing his police uniform lying crumpled on the floor,

His gun placed strategically in my line of sight.

My mind learns to dissociate

To keep me in a protective bubble,

As I feel myself leaving my body and floating into a virtual safe space,

Whilst these men grunt, sweat and degrade me.

Waves of trauma hit me like body blows.

Both my body and mind can never forget what they did,

What they took from me,

How they changed me forever!

Three rapists

Entitled, arrogant men

Who only cared about their own sexual gratification,

Not caring about how much harm they were causing.

It makes me feel nauseous when I think of the countless other men who have tried to violate my body.

Since I was a teenager,

I have learned that men feel that they have a right to do things to me without my consent.

So many of my friends have similar stories to tell.

Fuck this social norm!

Fuck rape culture!

Fuck the Criminal Justice System that lets so many rapists walk free!

It seems they only take crimes against property seriously.

I am not anyone’s property, but I have been thoroughly damaged.

Where’s my justice?