THE VILLAGE THAT DEFEATED 'DEATH BY SUICIDE' (PG - 13 [S,L] RATED)

Mental health and suicide cases among the Kenyan youth are on the rise.

In many cultures, it’s deemed unacceptable to talk or even think about death when you’re still living.

Yet, the wise tell us that “Death is the destiny of everyone; the living, should take this to heart.” and to pursue a purposeful life, we must all “pondering over life’s brevity”

Read about a village that put an end to ‘suicide’ and built a sustainable model of successfully transiting its children into well-grounded, & rounded, problem solving & solution giving, healthy men and women of society. 

PART 1: WHAT, IS THE MATTER WITH OUR VILLAGE YOUTH?

At the beginning of this particular year, there was a young girl in her early twenties who chose for herself: 'death by suicide' as her only way out of a situation, that she termed ‘unbearable’. Later on, in the same year at a memorial for a young person, who equally chose the same route. This lady seated next to me, whom I later came to know as a mother of teenagers, belted out, apparently I look like, I just left high school – story for another day, “You, young people, you need to stop thinking about death”. Of course, at the side-lines, there was the question of: what are these ‘unbearable’ things that we young people are struggling with, that, would push us to this end, without at least talking to our parents, whom we still live with by the way.

I didn’t have an answer for her, as my mind was preoccupied with, what, I need to do to age myself? How can a whole man with 3 children & a beautiful wife, still be confused for a form four lever? [OALN]*

Seriously though, since I didn’t pick up her number, I hope for the sake of her children, you may help me get this message out to her, she seemed like she was at her wits end on this matter, just like you and I are.

Is it true that we young people should stop thinking about death?

Those who read the bible, know that foolishness is domiciled within the heart of a child, that this world has more of wicked people, than those that mean well for you and I and, that if we do not have someone to talk to, over an embarrassing or ‘evil’ matter, which we got entangled in (the matter will have a choke hold over us and it will never be cut down to size…the last part may be a Swahili saying)

Death is the destiny of everyone; the living should take this to heart.

Solomon said some pretty odd, outlandish, and morbid things in Ecclesiastes 7: One’s death is better than one’s birth (v. 1). Attend funerals not parties (v. 2). It’s wise to think a lot about death (v. 4). In many cultures, it’s deemed unacceptable to talk or even think about death when you’re still living. However, since everyone dies, Solomon advises us to live life with our demise in mind (v. 2), pondering over life’s brevity instead of pursuing festivity or levity, “for sadness has a refining influence on us” (v. 3 nlt). In light of the brevity of life and the reality and inevitability of death, we’re exhorted to evaluate how we have been living and how differently we want to spend our hours today. “A wise person thinks a lot about death” (v. 4 nlt) is good advice because it lifts our eyes from the temporal to the eternal.

Insight from Your eulogy, https://odb.org/2019/06/26/your-eulogy/#

Seems then, for us to get our young people to stop thinking about death, we must first think about death & it's relatives.

What will I tell people (Nitaambia watu nini?)

I would like to invite both you and I to teleport ourselves, back to our early to mid-twenties. What were the real things, that we were struggling with, you know, the ones that, we would never tell anyone or if they were to appear on Instagram, we would like most, wish for the ground to literally be opened & swallow us up.

I came up with a list to help us and I’ll wager that, as you read them, atleast 50% of one of these statements, is true for your own personal situation and; whether you have overcome it or still are struggling with it, if ever there was a threat of it coming out, you would do anything to keep the ‘peace’ or shut out the ‘unbearable’ pressure. I call it the, ‘Nitaambia watu nini?’ list:

1.      I started by telling white lies in order to fit in with the ‘with-it-kids’, that quickly become monster lies that then need me to come up with a real solution like a sponsor or stealing to finance a lifestyle that I faked and now have to make real, or I will loose my ‘friends’. Now my mind is full of these questions: What am I doing here, How did I get here, Who can help me, Let me try this self-help programme, let me try the next self-help programme, let me follow someone, let me follow another person, these people can see through me, let me try harder to keep it all together, this is tiring, I need peace, I need to turn down the volume…. 

2.      I have a dented image of myself, that I will literally do anything, to fit in or be told that I am also capable of great feats, including simply ‘over’ performing than most, to collect accolades/awards/titles of the ‘best I or we have ever had’ and once that high has been gotten for a fleeting moment immortalised on social media, I find myself moving on to next moment, to wring out that ‘word of affirmation’ that I so long for, yet never got from a particular ‘someone’ and now I am in a performance frenzy filled up with emptiness & noise just like a broken record. My mind is now full of this gibberish: I am doing well, Let me do this, Let me do that, Let me get this, Let me get that, I am in need of no spiritual growth or submit to any authority in order to have order in my life, I will do me, I am tired of all this, I cannot hold it all together, I need help, I can’t ask for help, I already said I know how to do me, I can’t trust anyone, They are out to harm me, I need peace, I need to switch this noise off…

3.      I owe so many people, so much money and I am in a crazy cycle of debt, that I have tried everything that I can do to get out and yet it all keeps on increasing. My mind is rigged with these thoughts: I need to run away, I need to change my phone number, I need to move out, I need to steal something, I need to bet, I need to save my family embarrassment, I have tried everything, There’s nothing more I can do….

4.      I am a lonely person, I wear a hard, selfish, tough exterior because I don’t know how to maintain relationships without appearing not to be in control or confused or not knowing. My mind is bathed in these thoughts: I need no spiritual maturity to have order in my life, I will do me, I am tired of all this, Let me buy this, Let me get that hook up, I cannot hold it all together, I need help, I can’t ask for help, I already said I know how to do me, I can’t trust anyone, They are out to harm me, I need peace, I need to switch this noise off…

5.      When I was 13 years old, I was sexually assault by a caregiver or attendant that my guardians had left me with. They were to coach me how to play that musical instrument, so that my ‘family’ can say, I know how to play the sophisticated Cello like Cellist Sheku Kanneh-Mason who performed at the wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle at St. George's Chapel, Windsor Castle on May 19. Now my mind is heavy and stuck in this loop: I am good for nothing, I deserve all bad things that have and will happen to me, I am an embarrassment, I will not amount to anything, how do I end this pain, How do I end this embarrassment….

6.      My first sexual experience was as a curious, yet ‘willing’ participant with my cousin, driver, house help etc as I tried to keep up with peer pressure of everyone has had sex – of course 90% of stories were pure lies or white lies that I foolishly believed (they are the same people that said I have a big forehead and big knees), then we got pregnant, and it wasn’t so cool, then we had an abortion and so on and so forth. My mind is full of these thoughts that I cannot dare tell anyone, let alone my parents: I feel dirty, I feel shameful, Why am I cheating on my current relationship, I hate myself, I am a murderer, I am demon possessed, I am good for nothing, I will amount to nothing, Why didn’t I listen to my parents, I should just rid my family of possible pain, confusion, embarrassment & purposelessness…. 

7.      My boyfriend or girlfriend has moved on its barely 1 week and they are with another boyfriend or girlfriend. This after we shared intimately of the most beautiful ‘love’ making covenant ‘I will ever have’ and they also shared our sex tape with their passé. My mind is in a near paralysis: I don’t want to see another day, This pain is the worst, I can’t take it anymore, How do I end this...

8.      I have never had sex in my life and if anyone finds out, my world will crumble. My mind is a constant state of worry: Will I ever get a boyfriend or girlfriend, Will I ever get to satisfy my spouse when I get married, Will I catch Prostate Cancer, Will my part shrivel and dry up like bones, I am never going to get married, Let me start watching porn, let me start masturbating, let me start having sex, I feel unclean, I feel ashamed, I let God down, I let my family down, I need the ground to swallow me up…

9.      I am attracted to people of the opposite sex or heck, even the same sex, I fantasise, ogle, and touch myself fantasising over them. See my mind: What is wrong with me, I hear I have a demon, How do I stop, Let me get this over and done with, How do I release myself from this demon, Let me go face my demons…

10.  I find myself in a secret or not-so-secret life that I can’t get out of. A life of bing drinking, one night stands, drug abuse, relationship with married boss or colleague, in an abusive relationship, stealing, driving while under heavy influence of alcohol, working in a brothel, visiting brothels, watching porn, masturbating, a member of Tinder (which I don’t know if this is a bad/embarrassing thing or not, but I bet if I my boy/girlfriend found out…) My mind right now: I ‘enjoy’ this life, That was so foolish of me, I promise myself not to do that again, I can’t get out, I want to get out, I must get back for one more time, They need me, I don’t know what takes me back there, I need peace, I need to switch off all this noise…

11.  I was told that this course/business is marketable, yet I have tried everything and not getting anywhere. My mind right now: I regret, How could a form four drop out beat me in life (they have a car, a spouse, children etc), My parents spent so much, My parents are to blame, I am all alone, I have no hope…

How did that feel? Did you relate to any of our early twenties or do I owe you? This list can go on and on…but that’s not why we are here.

END OF PART 1: Watch, one of the greatest producers of all time, Timbaland, as he talks about navigating dizzying heights & depressing depths.

PART 2: WHAT, THE VILLAGE HAD TO DO, TO FUTURE PROOF THEIR CHILDREN.

The Eagle that never ate a chicken

There is this story of an eaglet that fell off the perch of its mothers nest (of course the mother had warned it severally, that it wasn’t time yet and it should just remain patient inside with its siblings but, you know children). ‘Luckily’ it was rescued by a mother hen, who took it up and raised it as a chicken.

Of course, just like you and I growing up, it also had to contend with being told that it was different (big fore or back head, long arms, long legs, you know all those things that made us unique). It always got acidity when it fed on cereals, bird poop, dead food – you know eagles were built for the hunt and only eat fresh kills. Whenever it heard the eagles cry above and everyone ran inside, its heart would beat faster, raise dust by flapping its wings and run opposite direction as mother hen and other chic’s ran inside the bird coop to hide.

Even though it felt it was built for something greater, than the lows it had fallen into, it believed mother hen when she said, “Be a good chicken and please don’t embarrass me in front of the other mama hens, don’t do that which is not ‘chicken’”. Since, there was no evidence in its environment that they could amount to anything other than a flightless poop eating chicken and no eagle at this level to help them be better. It would be written at their eulogy, the eagle that died with a lot of potential battling with the same struggles these mid-twenties young men and women have to contend with. 

The Three Horsemen of Death

Apart having to settle for what they were not created for, you’ll notice that the struggles these young ones deal with revolve around the 3 horsemen of death: money, power and sex.

Don’t get me wrong, these are all can be good things which we should all have. None of us though, is born knowing how to use them, most of our folks don’t even have time to teach us about how to handle them, not that we’d listen to them anyway.

Plus our parents, media or religious leaders are so busy & do not have time to talk about anything other than compare us to others and planning for who among the lesser evil lot of thieves to vote for or as soon as the elections is over, quickly engage on who to vote for after the next 5 years.

So, as the 3 horsemen get us to yield and settle for less under their control in an ‘unbearable’ & ‘unnatural’ situation we conclude that we have to die alone just like the eaglet who lived an ‘unbearable’ & ‘unnatural’ life as a chicken. We are told the natural order is for the 3 horsemen to serve & be controlled by us, yet no one has been sent to coach us through.

Now, we are at our funeral and as everyone is talking about how much potential we had (yet all along they said, we were weird & needed to fit in)…we quickly realise that the mess we were in, that place we had settled for or the ‘unbearable’ or ‘unnatural’ issue. That was just seasonal, and as all these scenarios and options of leaders/communities around us that we could have continuously engaged wit, confided in, named and halved the problem into oblivion, they all start flooding in and you are feeling alive. Then, it dawns on us…it’s now really too late, the solution we chose is a permanent and non-reversible, unlike the ‘unbearable’ yet transient situation we were in a few days ago.

Why should any of us care?

You may wonder, why would anyone struggle with such ‘simple’ things like these, yet there are people dying of hunger or being persecuted for their religion? They should just man or women up, even we had it rough and we made it – "kwanza, me I walked to school with no shoes and was number one." When we belittle people’s struggles, we isolate them and the real issues are kept hidden and they wear a smile to keep things together for you, no one wants to topple you from your number 1 survivor story of how you made it without shoes. [OALN]*

As a parent, or simply someone who is ageing in this highly ‘burdened’ community, just like me you may be pulling the little hair left in your head and wish you knew all this before you or your loved ones got children, maybe we should have all just gotten pedigree dogs and reared them for companionship and money, instead of taking up this responsibility of safely transiting men and women out of children. Or, we should just move to other countries that have figured it all out.

That said, life was created for relationships, for us to be tested to demonstrate growth and help others achieve the same growth and able to solve problems in our societies from competencies we have all passed on down to next generations.

All these things and the many others still inside your head are of our own making as self-sabotaging adults still stuck in that ‘wounded’ or broken record phase of a child or there’s nothing we can do to prevent them e.g. bad things happening to us.

It takes a village to raise a child

So, what do we have to do now? There’s only one thing that is guaranteed to work & is sustainable.

I see our families today, living as if they are islands (a 'close' knit family of 3/4/5/6) and parents too busy for their children or even service to community. That after chasing the money to provide for the family, end up with families that can only relate with us the parents as ATM (Automated Teller Machines. Our children (whether teens, young adults or even adults) needn't just grow up, even weeds grow up.

We have to be intentional in investing in raising up young men and women around us (raise a village) to be sounding boards and accountability partners to your children.

First of all, we have to admit that, you and I are from a different time zone & with the baggage we carry with our children, we may just be kidding yourself, that we are will be our child’s best friend, knowing 'all' inside their minds. Get me right, no one can replace you as a parent to our children. Our responsibilities especially as fathers still remain: 1. To provide (give a vision to order the 3 horsemen available to your family), 2. To protect (against physical, social and spiritual mishaps e.g. lack of integrity in our lives) , 3. Being present (we can’t protect or claim love that which we do not know), 4. Discharge our priestly duties (establishing a spiritual control tower & godly values for our families) & 5. And prophetic duties (calling the potential out of our children)

What our children need, however, is not us trying to morph ourselves into their BFF’s, but to raise young men and women around them. A pool of men and women of character, same values & spirituality we profess in your home & with diverse personality profiles. So that our sons and daughters (respectively) can walk with these young men and women, and have someone they can continuously relate with, confide in, help them name their struggles, keep them accountable in defeating the struggles, clarifying & relentlessly chasing the visions of their lives and be plugged in & serve in a community solving at least one societal problem.

Then they can be raised into competent, holistic, well grounded & rounded, men and women of integrity & sound mind who can relate healthy in society and even with you as their parents instead of just surviving like our eagle that never ate a chicken.

This means, you and I need to be having a pool of young men and women (10 to 15 years) older than your children at our office, work, or community that we walk with and through various life’s seasons with realness and commitment, expecting no payment in return or lending them money or trying to shape them into our own selves, helping them through their struggles, opportunities, plans in work, business, relationships, education, community service, and spirituality – just like a coach does to a star athlete.

In exchange, out of this pool is where you and I will pick up from men and women that can walk with your children as they navigate different seasons of life and most importantly, we too will get much needed adventure, fulfilment, joy, peace & clarity in your own journey of life.

There is no other way! 

To sustainably ensure that we are safely transiting men and women from our boys and girls, we have to be plugged in and raising other people’s children. As the saying goes, it takes a village to raise a child!

So, I hope the lady who sat next to me at that funeral service, I hope she gets this and hopefully starts making the right investments for her teenage children.

Let’s all join hands and invest in building a village around our children.

A village that’s built to defeat death by suicide

A village that has decided it will rise men and women up as eagles & soar

A village that will turn the 3 horsemen of death into, the 3 Jockeys of the good life that God predetermined & created us for, to do great things in His name and raise an ‘umati’ of men and women who get it & keep our village, His village soaring.

*[OALN] On a Light Note

THE END

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