On Victims...

I have not written for the past 4 months... as I was in victim mode myself - at least in terms of my writing habit.

I had too much client work to do. I felt I could not write what was really bothering me - the injustice happening in Gaza. I wanted to focus on my physical health and work out every day. I did not see value in writing on LinkedIn despite having made a promise to myself to write for the sake of writing itself.

All of the above are probably good reasons to not write... or they could be seen as excuses.

Too often do we get infected by Victimitis Excusitis as author Robin Sharma puts it in his book The 5AM Club.

For me - as a medical doctor - having a term to describe the behavior of falling into victim mode helps me diagnose it in myself and in others.

Supporting multiple companies through large and small change/transformation initiatives gives me a lot of perspective on how people on all levels deal with change... and boy do I see a lot of Victimitis Excusitis.

So today, I want to share with you a few thoughts on how to diagnose Victimitis Excusitis and more importantly how to treat it... after all it is my intention to help people become healthier and move forward.

The story of my son...

A few weeks ago, my son and his team had their season opening football (soccer) match. This season they are playing in one of the highest youth leagues which means they are facing really strong competition. And in addition to all of that my son is playing one year ahead of his age i.e. with the big boys.

They lost that game 11:0... they got smashed!

After the game I asked my son: "Why did your team lose?"

His response: "We had no chance Baba... they were so much better than us. They were dancing circles around us. Their coach had prepared them much better, they were stronger, they were faster. They probably train five times a week and we only train twice a week. Their football pitch is much better than ours... playing on such a good pitch was unfamiliar to us."

All of the above are probably good reasons... or they could be seen as signs of Victimitis Excusitis.

I nodded... and then I asked him: "How many slide tackles did you do? How many fouls did you and your team commit? How many yellow cards did you receive?"

He looked at me... it did not take him long him to process or reflect... he new the answer and he said: "Zero."

So I continued: "Exactly... zero. Yes your opponent was better than you. All of the points you mentioned are valid. But they do not justify for your team to play so passive. If your opponent dominates the game you need make it hard for them. You need to push back. Every pass they play, every dribble they try needs to hurt them. It does not mean that you play unfair... but you need to play hard. You need to show up... football is a contact sport after all."

He looked at me and asked: "What difference does it make if I show up if the rest of my team does not?"

Again... classical Victimitis Excusitis.

I responded: "There is no guarantee... but there is a chance that your team mates get infected by you taking action. It takes only one person to be inspired by you who decides to also show up differently... the others will ultimately follow."

He nodded... I knew he needed a bit of time to digest what we had just talked about so I changed the topic.

The model

Inspired by Shreyas Doshi I created a model to conceptualize Victimitis Excusitis... after all I am not only a medical doctor but also a management consultant who happens to love 2x2s.

If we map Agency over Ability we get the following four quadrants:

1. Loser: Low Ability, low Agency... hopefully you do not have too many of these people around you. They are simply not good company. If you have them on your team... get rid off them rather sooner than later.
2. Rebel: Low Ability, high Agency... these could be young graduates that are super eager to get stuff done. But also more senior people that are entering a new field. Helping them develop Ability turns a Rebel into a Shaper.
3. Victim: High Ability, low Agency... these people are infected by Victimitis Excusitis. There is no reason for them to not perform well other than their own mindset. The problem is that their "disease" is highly infectious.
4. Shaper: High Ability, high Agency... As with any 2x2 we aim for the upper right quadrant. These are people that get sh*t done... despite things being hard. The more of these people you have around you the stronger your immune system becomes to deal with Victimitis Excusitis.

For this post, I will only focus on the right hand side of the model i.e. the Victim and the Shaper. There are certain mindset shifts one can observe - see image below:

Victims live in a world where things are happening to them... whereas Shapers believe (this is part of their agency) that most things are a result of actions done by them. As a result of this, Victims feel powerless whereas Shapers feel powerful. With regards to new challenges Victims are passive whereas Shapers take action.

As you are reading this... take a moment and reflect: Where did you display the Victim mindset recently? How could your actions have looked like if you had displayed the Shaper mindset? How would results differ?

The story of my mom...

After that conversation with my son, I reflected on many parts of my life... I remembered the tough situation my parents where in when they moved to Germany, had to study again, and ultimately wanted to enter the job market.

My mom, who had graduated top of her class in chemical engineering in 1992 went to the job center for a job event where they were supposed to receive advice on how to land a job in a - back then - tough economic situation.

Other than her, there were only young German men... The person in charge of the event looked at the crowed and as he spotted my mom he said: "If you are woman, you have no chance. If you are a migrant, you have no chance. If you have young kids, you have no chance. If you are over 35 years of age, you have no chance."

My mom went through that 'checklist'... she ticked all the boxes. Out of frustration and anger she left the event. When she arrived at home, my sister and I were there... It was the only time (other than when family members had died) that I saw my mother cry. She felt powerless.

A few hours later my dad arrived. They went into the kitchen and talked about what had happened. I remember my dad only saying this: "That man might be right... Now, you tell me whether you believe that. After all you have been through, is this it? Do you want to give up now on your dream of making it here as an engineer? Remember, you just graduated top of your class. If you want to fight this, I am at your side... Whatever you need, you let me know."

She took a deep breath and responded: "I am not done fighting..."

A few months later she got into advanced training for software engineering as that was an area with potential. She finished that 6 months program again at the top of her class. Still, no one was willing to give a mother of two little kids a chance. But she was so good, that her professor made it his mission to find a job for her. So he called a few of his friends that were running companies and finally one of them said yes.

The rest is history... my mom become an IT consultant. She worked at that company for several years before she and my dad setup their own IT consulting company which they grew to about 40 people helping a lot of men and women with a similar background to enter the German job market.

How to move from Victim to Shaper?

I mentioned above that Losers are a lost cause... Moving from Rebel to Shaper is a matter of enablement i.e. providing training on and off the job so that people can develop ability. The tricky question is how to move from Victim to Shaper or to put it in medical terms how to treat Victimitis Excusitis?

Of course the first thing that needs to be done is to pull ourselves out of the Victim mode... that pulling ourselves out already displays agency, thus puts us into Shaper mode. Making the decision to take control of any situation instead of being a bystander... that is the first step which can also inspire others to follow.

Once we shift our mindset from to to me to by me and start taking action we see that things change... we see that we are not powerless but powerful. That helps us develop momentum and continue to push.

Now, with regard to people around us... hopefully many will take inspiration. As leaders we can also trigger / catalyze that journey by asking one simple question.

Anytime someone on our team complains about anything just ask them: "What can you do about it?" That's it... you do not have to coach them, you do not have to save the day, just ask them what they can do about it.

Those that are deeply infected by Victimitis Excusitis might not have any idea and continue complaining. In this case, you can show them a few options... as I did with my son. You can encourage them... as my dad did with my mom.

Constantly push for the question of "What can you do about it?" and offer your support... but not as the person who solves the issue.

A few examples...

A team member complains that another team member is not doing their best at work...

You: "What can you do about it?"

Team member: "I could speak to him and share my observations."

You: "Good... go do that."

The CEO of a company complains that people simply do not feel the sense of urgency...

You: "What can you do about it?"

The CEO: "I could share the latest financials with them and tell them straight that if we do not turn the ship around we will either have to cut salaries or cut jobs."

You: "Good... go do that."

The board of directors complains that their CEO is not strong enough in terms of developing and implementing a great strategy...

You: "What can you do about it?"

The board: "We could either coach the CEO or get in a new one..."

You: "Good... go do that."

Victimitis Excusitis is everywhere

The Victim mindset is everywhere... it does not matter on the level of hierarchy. We see it in teams, in middle management, on the C-Level, and in Boards of Directors. We even see heads of state displaying the Victim mindset instead of asking themselves what they could do about it.

Victims are by definition not leaders... Only a Shaper or a Rebel can be a leader. So if you aspire to become a leader act like one. Ask yourself "What can I do about it?"

Every time you pose that question, you trigger yourself to display agency... You will come up with ideas even if they might not be a complete solution for the problem you are facing but just a step towards making things a little better.

Identifying that next step, taking that next step, and learning from it... this is what leadership is all about. Start leading yourself and your life, eventually others will follow.

I pulled myself out of the Victim mode this morning... I remembered that there is much more to write about than the injustice in Gaza. I also remembered that I have now taken action to help people in Gaza. I reminded myself how good it feels to sit down, with a cup of tea and write... and how much people have thanked me for sharing my thoughts.

So expect to hear from me again on a more regular basis.

#FromNothingComesNothing