VICTIM VS VICTOR MENTALITY

When I came home after serving in Iraq, I was a combat Veteran without a mission. All I wanted was to go back to Iraq, despite eagerly wanting to leave when I was there. I was familiar with my battle buddies, the mission, and how to stay alive. It wasn’t cozy or cushy by any means. It was simple – don’t die, don’t get anyone else killed, complete the mission.?

The civilian world was a complicated mess I didn’t want to participate in. “I’m a goddam combat Veteran who can’t get a job. This is bullshit!” I’d rant to anyone who would listen, which at a bar isn’t hard to find. I was a victim because I told myself I was a victim.

Why do people willingly adopt the role of victim? Two simple reasons: it’s easy and it’s comfortable. It becomes a habit. There’s always something or someone else you can blame for your mistakes and misfortunes. People sympathize with the victims. When you’re feeling beat up by life, it’s great to have support and attention! Then a negative feedback loop gets started:?

1. Accentuate the negative.?
2. Dwell on it.?
3. Bask in self-pity.?
4. Repeat.

This is an unhealthy cycle, especially compared to the cycle of climbing towards your goals.?

Professional Victimhood

When you adhere to a victim mindset, everything becomes a losing battle. It’s not a pleasant way to live. Victims worried and fearful before anything bad even happens to them, because victims never feel in control. They perpetually await the next disaster, convinced it will crush them from above. Though being a victim is unpleasant, people get stuck there because change (or the idea of it) is uncomfortable and even frightening. A victim mentality chooses comfort and status quo over progress every time. It’s better to take responsibility for your life. Without embracing discomfort, personal growth is impossible, and one repeatedly falls into the same traps.

Feelings are driven by thoughts (and thoughts are triggered by words), so changing your negative “woe is me” thoughts will break the cycle of victimhood.

Here’s an example from my own life. I’m a dad. My daughter is my world, and I don’t get as much time with her as I’d like since I’m no longer married to her mom. I could burn my time and energy moping about how I’m a victim of these circumstances. It wouldn’t change the reality of my custody agreement. More importantly, it would negatively affect my relationship with my daughter. She deserves a parent who is mentally and emotionally present, and I want to create enjoyable moments when she is with me. So instead of being upset about only seeing my daughter on weekends, I choose to appreciate the time I do have with my beautiful, healthy kid. Two whole days every week!?

Gratitude is a tool to remind me what a victor I am. When I look at what’s going right for me, I realize I’m very close to my definition of success. Noting the positives, what I’m thankful for, is inherently positive and sets me up for a continued positive mindset.?

Bad Things Happen to Good People

It’s important to mention here that there are unfair, horrible things that happen in life. The truth? Bad stuff is going to happen to you, with 100% certainty. That’s a fact, Jack! You can’t control it or stop it. Another truth? We get to choose how to handle the bad stuff every day.

?I’m not advocating brushing your trauma under the rug just so you can put a smile on your face. Toxic positivity can be as damaging as an initial trauma.

What I’m saying is this: In your past, have you been victimized? Yes.?

Are you a victim? It’s up to you.?

When you carry a crime/misdeed/trauma/negative event with you and use it as a reason you can’t follow your dreams, it continues to hurt you when it doesn’t have to. Carrying your trauma with you like a badge of honor is not conducive to a healthy, full life. This makes moving toward your goals more complicated. To get out from under the storm cloud, it is necessary to take a step back and heal. That’s okay. That’s productive rest! Seeking help or going to therapy doesn’t make you weak; it’s brave to do what you need to process your experience, whatever that looks like for you. Know that you will need to process when you want to move forward.??

The world doesn’t need more victims. We need victors who act. I am of way more service to myself, my community, my country, and my planet running a productive recycling business than I was wallowing in perceived failure. Now that I’ve chosen to be a victor, I’m able to provide employment and support for veterans— something that’s incredibly important and fulfilling to me.

You will make a measurable impact when you let your language lead you away from limiting thoughts and into statements of victory.

Proud, grateful, and excited to share the publication of my first book, Words Fucking Matter: Retrain Your Brain to Use Language to Serve You.

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