A victim of bullying, but not what you think

I have been a victim of bullying.

The bully in question was actually myself, hence the title of this piece (mystery solved so, if you were just here for that, thank you for staying. Do feel free to read on even though I ruined the whodunnit, early).

I didn't need a 'bad boss' pointing out all my flaws and follies. I did it myself, daily.

When I first began my career, I made sure that all those people who started at the same time as me were put on a pedestal - the great presenter, the excellent analyst, the confident one, the one who says the right things at meetings. Note, I was never on the pedestal. The bully in me made it abundantly clear that all my presentations would be badly received, that my client would not renew their contract and that my manager would take all my commission as their own (actually, that did happen, but that's a different story..)

It occurred even more recently, in 2020, when I took 'that' phone call from my boss. He was confirming that my current role was being 'reorganised out' and, unless I made significant compromises to my career and family, I no longer had a role. The bully in me really tried his hardest to put the boot in. What if it's performance driven? (it wasn't) What if those staying are better than you (they weren't better, or worse). What if you never ever find a new role that suits you? (I did, even more so than the one I had). Will they compensate you for this bizarre decision (they did).

The thing is, life throws enough punches and kicks at you that you don't need your own private bully joining in. It's hard enough. So, how to overcome it?

Standing up to bullies can work. I have seen it in my school days, on the rugby pitch, in business. Social Media is full of them - do you block them and turn off their oxygen or do you call them out for the idiots they are? (I deploy both). When that bully is yourself, it gets both harder and easier. I am pretty good at it by now but still need to practice. I find the best way is to lean in and educate. Thanks to Dr. Steve Peters' 'The Chimp Paradox' I was able to better manage my self talk in some of the following ways:

1. Know that it's no one else's perception but you're own. It all exists inside you not external to you.
2. Acknowledge that it's not going away. Thank the bully for pointing out some of the things pointed out. This is important as, just fighting won't work, unlike a bully in real life, this one is genuinely with you, rent-free, 24/7 so allow them to quieten rather than fight.
3. Flip the narrative - either so it's something you're confident at, or so that it's a funny, diametrically opposite version of the bully's view. It will be just as real as the bully's voice.

Bullies exist, they shouldn't be allowed to persist. The more we practice our anti-bullying steps the better we will be.

Thank you for taking the time to read this post, I appreciate it.

#keeptalking

#mentalhealth