Vetting your Client for a Relational Mediation: Understand Good vs. High Conflict

Dear Professionals,

My law firm and several other professionals in our area are headed toward a path of offering relational mediation in San Antonio. Don't be scared! Relational mediation will be offered in part to attorneys and their clients through Child-Centered Mediations and Child Focused Mediation. I'll provide more information on what the differences are between a CCM and a CFM in my next little blog.

For now what's important is to know how to vet your parents for a relational mediation. I get asked this question a lot.

Differentiate between good conflict and high conflict. A Good conflict is simply a disagreement that exists based on misunderstandings or differences of opinion.

High conflict involves disputes so deeply entrenched that there has to be a winner and unfortunately a loser.

For good conflict negotiating through the issues isn't the best option. Why? These people want to talk through the problem, they want to communicate. Negotiating through the problem frustrates the parties - they want to hear what the other has to say - they value the other persons' feedback and opinion.

(Mediators: For practicing mediators don't assume this means employing a transformative approach. The approach we are discussing can include a facilitative and even (i dare say it) evaluative approach. How do I know this? Seminars people - seminars! I've listened to peeps from across the country and love what they had to say.

Can we move these people past good conflict - well sure we can!

Vet Your Parties:

I read this great book by Amanda Riley called "High Conflict"

When Riley assessed the Characteristics of Parties in High Conflict she stated that these individuals share the following characteristics:

Rigidity, Simplicity, Righteous, Rigidity, Simplicity, Righteousness, Chronic Stress, Sleep deprivation, need to be in court, zero-sum thinking, and no desire to seek a solution, Chronic Stress, Sleep deprivation, need to be in court, zero-sum thinking and no desire to seek a solution.

Clients may be driven toward these characteristics when they suffer from family violence, are exposed to high conflict temp order hearings, or spend time in nonending litigation (yes there are more factors). Many clients at least from what I see do not start out that way. They simply don't have a voice - or perhaps can not hear the voice of their child's other parent.

When I say that I think some people can find themselves in high conflict and can be transitioned back to good conflict. Sometimes letting go of anger, and getting the help of a therapist may be the things necessary to empower individuals to find their voice so they can communicate and listen to the other parent.

Ridley assesses Characteristics of Parents in Good Conflict

Characteristics of Parties in Good Conflict

Humility, Fluidity, Passion, Different Emotions, Have Questions, Curious, Desire to Find a Solution, and Non-zero sum thinking.

So now you know. The best question to ask your client is - do you want to talk to your child's other parent? If they say yes - well you may be on your path to calling me and figuring out a way to resolve a good conflict, not a high conflict.

Once the vetting process is over - you are now ready to refer the proper parties to the relational mediation!

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Next up: Child-Centered vs. Child-Focused Mediation - what you need to know!