Veteran’s Guilt, on Veteran’s Day

Next Monday November 11th will be Veteran’s Day, 2024. As a veteran myself, I look forward to celebrating the service of others, while personally seeking to fade into the background. This may be a perspective you’ve not heard before, so here’s my story.

In mid-September 1983, I enlisted in the US Army’s Delayed Entry Program at seventeen, early in my senior year of high school. I was motivated to serve after the Soviet Union shot down a civilian airliner, KAL 007 on the first day of that same month, cruelly extinguishing the lives of 269 innocent men, women, children and a sitting US Congressman. I intently watched President Reagan’s September 5th address to the nation. The president closed his remarks by saying “if we stand together and move forward with courage, then history will record that some good did come from this monstrous wrong that we will carry with us and remember for the rest of our lives.” I pondered the magnitude of the President's words, then answered the president’s call to move forward with courage by volunteering to serve in the US Armed Forces. After school a few days later, I went to the local recruiting station and began the enlistment process. I kept my decision to myself, not even telling my parents, to be sure no one would talk me out of enlisting until after I’d taken the oath and my decision had been locked in.

I reported for duty on July 10th, 1984, and went through training, eventually becoming the Honor Graduate of my advanced individual training class. I went on to serve for two years, mostly working with various secret missile programs at White Sands Missile Range in New Mexico. Less than six months into my time at White Sands, I had a motorcycle accident, causing a serious, open compound fracture of multiple bones in my lower left leg. I was devastated, however, the Army treated me like family. Each of my superiors, including my NCOs (non-commissioned officers) as well as the company and battalion commanders, drove fifty miles from White Sands to the hospital to see me, shake my hand and ask what they could do for my wife and me. Each of them assured me they would check in regularly with my wife, which they did. My wife became overwhelmed by the constant calls and visits from my peers and superiors as she stayed in our on-post house while I remained in the hospital. I was amazed by everyone’s concern, as I was certain my leaders would resent me for failing them and our mission.

I spent six weeks at William Beaumont Army Medical Center in El Paso Texas. When I was returned to limited duty, I felt incredibly guilty. The Army trained me and invested in me, only for me to sideline myself for much of my tour of duty because of a preventable accident. I felt guilty that my fellow soldiers had to do more to make up for my becoming a burden on them. Before the accident, I thought I’d make a career out of the Army, but as I had not returned to 100% of my prior physical capability near the end of my tour, I left in 1986 when my enlistment ended. My leg fractures didn’t heal as they should have, so as I prepared to depart the service, my doctors and superiors arranged for me to begin drawing lifetime disability and to obtain full medical coverage through the Veteran’s Administration.

The Army’s generosity as I was leaving led me to feel even more guilt. I declined to go to the VA as I didn’t want to accept disability payments or free medical care. I didn’t think the Army owed me anything. In fact, I owed them so much more than I could ever repay. I continue to feel this way. I waited until my leg issues became more serious, and finally overcame my guilt and went to the VA in 2019 to apply for disability. I’d heard other veterans say the disability process is lengthy and tedious and that veterans were sometimes treated poorly, so I expected the worst. During the medical exam, the doctor asked me why I waited 33 years to apply for disability when there had been notes in my Army medical records supporting an immediate disability claim since 1986. I responded that I waited until I thought the problem was bad enough to justify a disability rating. The doctor smiled, as I’m sure he’d heard similar comments from other stubborn veterans. My claim was approved within a couple of weeks.

These days, I avoid accepting thanks for my service or any other recognition, as these remind me that the Army invested in me, and when they needed me, I failed. Occasionally at industry seminars and conferences the host will ask veterans to stand to be thanked and applauded. I usually remain seated. I hope others don’t view my actions as being ashamed of my service, as I’m proud to have been a soldier. I am, however, uncomfortable with recognition, since I've already received so much more from the Army than I gave. I didn’t serve in war. I didn’t save any lives. I didn’t make any significant contribution. My military career started fairly strong, but then it quickly ended.

I avoid wearing veteran hats, jackets or anything like that. I don’t park in the special veteran parking space at stores and restaurants. I don’t go to Applebee’s for a free dinner on Veteran’s Day. I prefer to not be thanked for my service. I know this may seem confusing or as if I'm being ungrateful to non-vets, but veteran identifying clothing elicits comments/thanks from others whether you want them or not. I don’t feel owed other’s thanks. Besides, I didn’t serve for everyone. I served for three reasons: for my country, for my family and for my buddies, in that order. Veteran parking spaces are a nice idea, but I won’t park in them because I can still walk, even though it’s sometimes uncomfortable. I’d hate to have parked in that special space, then to exit the store and see an old Vietnam or Korean War veteran hobbling to the entrance from a faraway parking space.

Just as all people are different, all veterans are too. Some veterans welcome recognition and many have earned it through valiant and courageous service. Others, like me, avoid recognition because it feels wrong to be recognized for something we did when our service wasn’t significant or didn’t live up to our personal standards.

I appreciate that non-veterans are thankful for the service of veterans, however the best way to demonstrate gratefulness is for each of us to be the best citizen we can be. Be worthy of the service of the veterans who fought and sacrificed. Be a leader, a good neighbor and a supporter of people in your community. Give your neighbor going through a job loss a helping hand or bring dinner to the family member who just had surgery.

Be as generous and understanding to others as my Army leaders were to me.