This Veterans Day, say "Thank you, and..."

Yesterday my daughter and her fellow second graders put on a wonderful Veterans Day program for other students and family members. They sang several songs, shared photos of students' veteran family members, and handed out flowers to veterans in attendance.

I'm sure over the coming years that work will inevitably keep me away from some of my kids' school events, but as a veteran myself, this one was very special to attend.

One of the songs they performed - that my daughter had a solo in - was "You Are Our Heroes." The lyrics of the song ask a simple question: "What can you say to a hero?" And then answers it: "We can say thank you!"

The problem with "Thank you for your service"

I've briefly written before about how saying "thank you" to a veteran can actually make many of them, myself included, quite uncomfortable. It's not that we don't want our service to be recognized. Veterans from generations prior to me lived through the unjust experience of being denigrated for serving their country, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

The uncomfortable part of being on the receiving end of "thank you for your service," however, is that it almost always stalls the conversation. Think about it - how do you respond to that? "You're welcome"? "Thank you for thanking me"? Most people don't - or rather don't know how - to follow up. And I think that creates a huge missed opportunity to connect with that veteran and learn more about them and the military overall.

People join the military for many different reasons. Some do so out of a sense of patriotism. Some join in order to pay for college. But in my experience, almost nobody joins to be praised as a hero. Most vets don't think of themselves as heroes. They simply view themselves as normal Americans who happen to do a job that's a little bit different. So it can make us feel odd when people - even when well-intentioned - put us on a pedestal.

My almost-horrible-father SNAFU

My wife and I try to exercise straight talk with our daughters and not water down topics to their age, as we think it helps mature their knowledge and critical thinking. So over the past couple weeks as my daughter was practicing her solo at home, I saw that as an opportunity to talk with her about why I'm uncomfortable when people thank me for my service.

Big SNAFU on my part, and it almost backfired. She initially thought I meant that you were bad if you told a veteran "thank you." It took a little bit of comforting her to explain that it's not bad to do so, but that because it can make some veterans uncomfortable, she could actually say more.

So what should you say?

So this weekend, if you're at a Veterans Day parade or other event, or just out and about and find yourself in the presence of a vet and wanting to say something, what should you say? Let me offer this up: go ahead and tell them "thank you," but don't stop there. Add an "and" to it, and immediately follow up with another question.

What should that question be? Almost anything you're curious about. If you need some ideas, start with the basics:

• What branch of the service were you in? What units did you serve with?
• Where did you serve? Did you ever deploy anywhere?
• What was your military occupational specialty?

Once you learn the basics, go a little deeper:

• What did you enjoy most about your time in service?
• Can you tell me about any others you served with?
• Can you share any interesting stories from your time in service?

As long as you stay away from the most obtuse of questions, most vets will be happy to talk with you and share their story. And I guarantee you'll walk away from the interaction with a more enriching experience and with a much better appreciation for that veteran, their service, and the military overall, than if you had simply said "Thank you for your service."