Veteran Suicide: Why it Hits Home.

Veteran Suicide: Why it hits home so hard.

"No, no, no, not him. Are you serious!" How many times has this thought run across a veteran’s mind when they find out about another veteran suicide which they didn't see it coming from them? A few recent veteran suicides hit home with me as they were soldiers, leaders, and heroes that you would not think would take their lives. I've often pondered why it hurts beyond the obvious loss of a former soldier, father or mother, son, or daughter. How can it be explained to the rest of the world, unfamiliar with military life, why it hurts so much?

A few recent suicides impacted me hard as they were some of the best warriors the nation produced in the special operations community. They were fathers, husbands, brothers, and sons well respected within the community. These were the warriors' others looked up to as the standard bearers. Hearing that they took their own lives, leaving behind families, is gut-wrenching. We looked up to these leaders, inspired by their leadership, courage, and commitment to the nation. We all know that mental demons can strike anyone. Yet, we also often don't know who might be impacting or when the demons might poke their head out and overpower veterans' natural strength to combat the inner battle that can rage hidden within.

After first hearing of a veteran suicide, there is both disbelief and anger that builds up. Personally, there are times in which I want to do what many veterans and servicemembers can do all too well – compartmentalize the event. Almost pretending like it did not happen to avoid the reality; unfortunately, that is not how the world works, and we again come to grips with another fallen veteran.

Anger then builds up, and I know that is the case for me. An anger that is hard to place yet very present. How can it be fixed? How can you be mad, and does it even matter if you are angry, and who do you direct it to? It is my belief, and I could be speaking for myself, that is an aspect of betrayal and a na?ve altruism some of us have or had about our service to the nation.

I grew up in the “be all you can be” generation and wanted to serve something larger than oneself. I watched all the war movies and looked at them as heroes. It would be an honor to die at a young in service of the country vs. not ever having an impact on the betterment of the country. I believed what my senior civilian and military leadership said about America. Any servicemember or veteran feels the same or certainly did when deciding to don the uniform that America is and should be the beacon of light and hope for the world. We will do anything to protect our nation. We believed in the good of America.

When the tragedy of 9/11 occurred, all of us in service knew we were going to war in some form or fashion. We didn’t know where, yet we knew it would be somewhere. We were eager to strike revenge against those who took the lives of thousands of U.S. and other international lives. The world (minus the “axis of evil”) united in the face of terrorism and this type of enemy. Of course, this led to the invasion of Afghanistan in October 2001 and Iraq in 2003. During the invasion of Iraq, I was “all in” and ready to get the evil dictator and those “weapons of mass destruction” (all these years later, I’ve got different thoughts). Many of us deployed year after year in Iraq to “take the fight to the enemy on their land vs. our homeland” and watched in horror as, after the withdrawal of troops in 2011, the Islamic State in Iraq and Levant (ISIL) took over large portions of the country. I remember precisely how sick to my stomach I felt when I saw ISIL had control of Mosul and parts of Ramadi, where I spent multiple combat deployments and where many good men and women were wounded and lost friends and loved ones or their own lives. The first thoughts I had were, "what in the world did I spend my time over there for?" "I lost time with my kids, marriage, and friendships, all for what?" The U.S. eventually semi-rectified the withdrawal by sending troops back in 2014 to fight ISIL.

Fast forward to August 2021 and the utterly disastrous withdrawal of troops from Afghanistan and watching that country fall back into the hands of the enemy we went there to remove 20 years earlier. Not only how quickly they took over and yet how much more equipped they are due to the amount of American military equipment left behind that promptly fell into the hands of the Taliban (the merits of leaving a presence in Afghanistan is a different topic). Once again, millions of veterans look around and ask themselves, "what was all this for?". It is a reality we must face, specifically our senior leadership, and we can’t hide behind "you all did your job well" as if that somehow will make those who fought and lost friends and loved ones feel better. What about all those times we were told, "you are taking the fight to the enemy," "preventing another haven for terrorists," and "sending a message to the terrorist"? Suddenly, it was as if all the partying lines to keep the forces focused no longer mattered. All the talking points and "reasons" seemed to disappear overnight, leaving many of us wondering, lost, confused, angered, sad, and disheartened by what we saw unfold over the news—looking back over twenty years at the lost lives of family members, loved ones, the injuries, physical and mental, the broken marriages, estranged families, the horrors of combat. All for what? One of the most precious things in life is "time," and many gave much of their time – months and years upon years of fighting to protect America in Iraq and Afghanistan, all for it to feel like the rug got pulled right out underneath us. We can't get time back. Kid's births, birthdays, recitals, games, plays, nor can we get back holidays, anniversaries, and many other significant life events missed while deployed.

We also can’t forget our partners who fought alongside us for those decades, who we left high and dry as we withdrew. Those who fought and bled with us, we now left to the vengeful hands of the Taliban, who pursued their families, or anyone associated with American forces. A friend who attended graduate school with me was an interpreter for U.S. forces in Afghanistan for years. I was embarrassed and ashamed; he couldn't get his family out. How can someone who sacrificed so much for the United States, now, when he needed something from us, not be able to get his family out of harm's way? Those are not the values we should have and are certainly not the values that those on the frontlines who serve with partner forces have for one another. They become like family. Anyone who risks their lives for one another establishes a bond for life. To watch us break that was and is devastating to many veterans.

After the withdrawal of U.S. forces from Afghanistan, I messaged my uncle, who served in Vietnam, and said to him, "Uncle Rennie, now I get it." His response is profound. He said, "Dave, now that you get "it" don't let "it" get you" (“It," I would describe as a broad view of feelings coming from serving in combat that resulted in similar endings around the "what for"). I’ve run that comment from him through my head so many times. I've realized that the "it" can be many things for veterans. Sadly, for some veterans, the "it" is far too powerful that even the most hardened fighters can't escape from and the only release from the pain and agony inside is to take their own life. It is tragic. It is sad. It hurts. It makes me and others angry. We see friends who sacrificed so much leave families and loved ones behind to escape their private hell, and it is not fair. They don't deserve it, and it hits home for many reasons and makes me and many others sad and angry.

I don't have any profound solutions other than before we commit forces; we should have a clearly defined objective and end state and adhere to it. Don't leave servicemembers to ponder their sacrifice and whether it was worth it.

Veteran suicide rightfully remains a hot topic. According to the Department of Veteran Affairs 2022 Annual Report, there were 6,146 veteran suicides. While slightly lower than in 2019, the numbers remain alarmingly high. Any veteran in crisis can call 988, select 1 or text 838255. And, of course, always call a friend.?