This version of the English language will change your life

You thought you had a personality – wrong. You thought the English language is just the way it is – wrong.

I hope you like being challenged when it comes to the givens of your life. Because if you do, you’ll be able to claim new freedoms that will set you apart.

First, you’ll be able to shape your personality. It’s dough. A 1998 research study shook the world by demonstrating that the adult brain can change. A 2000 study showed that London cabbies have larger hippocampus (that’s where mental maps are stored). Richard Davidson showed that 8 weeks of light meditation can reshape the left-to-right neuro-activation ratio in your prefrontal cortex.

 This leads me to the second liberating challenge: You can shape your own version of the English language. In fact, this might be one of the surest way to reshape your neural pathways and re-mould your personality. Because words are something you use so often.

 Think about this analogy: Various communities have been able to shape parallel versions of the English language (the same happens with all languages) – take rap singers for example. If I meet one of them in a Starbucks I’ll most likely won’t understand his jargon.

 So get yourself a cup of coffee and let’s talk about how you can shape your own Happiness English, or Leadership English, or Positive English… you choose the name.

 1. Focus on the positive: What we appreciate… appreciates

We’ve been taught to self-depreciate. And guess what, it works. It does depreciate us. Let’s take this example: You want to quit drinking Coke. You managed to not do it for a week. You say “I’m not there yet, there’s a long way to go”. You feel discouraged, because of that long way to go. Instead, you could have celebrated what made you succeed in that small, 1-week experiment!

That’s why at Potentialife India, I decided to call the buddy group discussions ‘small victory discussions’. Just because of what they’re called, people get that it’s about focusing on the positive.

We also have WhatsApp groups, to share those ‘small victories’. And I personally share my victories, and to be honest, most of them are very small. For instance, this week I shared that I had managed to sleep earlier a few times. And last night, I was debriefing on the phone with a participant who just finished his 6-month Potentialife journey – one of the 3-4 things that he said has helped him the most on our program is me sharing my small victories on the WhatsApp group. He said: “that gave me permission to appreciate my own small steps forward, instead of calling them insufficient”.

 2. Speak in ‘I’ and ‘want’ statements: You’ll be taking more ownership

In small victory discussions, when participants describe their experiences, they quite often speak in the second person… for instance ‘you do so many zoom calls, and your mind gets so numb by the end of the day’ (the person is talking about herself!).

Put an end to that right now! Also, stop making generic statements that almost sound as if you are sharing an ever-true theorem. Your zoom fatigue is not bound to repeat itself tomorrow, if you take proper breaks and if you connect at the heart level with your colleagues. You could instead say ‘yesterday I did 4 zoom calls, and my mind got quite numb’. Look at how surgically accurate that statement is. That accuracy makes sure that the pain experienced on that day is not given a blank cheque to repeat itself in the future.

Now consider this statement ‘I need to do take more breaks in between those zoom calls’. With just one word, the narrator has possibly dumped her chances of taking action into her garbage bin. Because ‘need’ points to another authority wanting her to take more breaks, maybe an article, maybe a colleague, maybe a coach. Instead, if she says ‘I really want to take a 10 or 15-minute breaks in between each Zoom call’, she is already planning her action. Notice once again the surgical precision.

Teach yourself to speak accurately, like a mathematician… you’ll find yourself more empowered with your own experiences.

3. Speak the language of requests

We’re all working hard, and we make mistakes, others make mistakes. We judge each other, aloud or silently, explicitly or implicitly. That’s the major source of emotional drain for many of us. Being judged. Judging the other.

We can cut ourselves some slack and not send the jury out to judge the other person. We can make a request towards the behaviour we prefer, and give the person the benefit of the doubt. Most likely, the request will be well received, if formulated gently.

My father used to tell me this: “In a difficult relationship or interaction, try and get the other person to ‘play their best role’.”

4. Ask open questions… they open new possibilities

‘Would you like to take up this project?’ is one of those close-ended questions where one can only answer yes or no. Black or White. Zero or One.

Instead, consider the discussion that can emerge from the following question: ‘How meaningful would it be for you to lead that project?’ or ‘What would it take for you to successfully lead that project?’. Fascinating discussions follow form open questions, because they open into the other person’s inner world.

Of course, close-ended questions will continue playing a role, especially to remove ambiguity and create clear commitments.

* * *

Just like we can take control or our breathing by deepening it and observing it, we can take control of our English by deepening it and observing it. Prana – vital energy – will certainly flow.

Are there some other changes that you’ve made to the way you speak, and that have let to improvements in your life and work?