Verified = VIP?

Thirteen years after first signing up for the service, and after sending I don't know how many thousands of largely unfunny and useless Tweets... your boy finally has a Verified Twitter account!!!

To all the people who said I'd "never amount to anything" (e.g. my parents; other people's parents; siblings; doctors; friends; co-workers; my pet rabbit; the kid who came by last week offering to shovel my driveway) -- who's laughing now?

To get this out of way: yes, I paid the "Twitter Blue" fees to enjoy what was once, many years ago, a sought-after privilege, but there are still some tremendous benefits to being a Blue Checkmark Guy. For example:

• I breathe the same rarified air as such prestigious Verified Twitter account holders as Bill Cosby, Marilyn Monroe and Cap'n Crunch.
• I can walk into any Tim Horton's and enjoy a free coffee, provided I exchange the appropriate amount of Tim's Rewards Points at the same time.
• No more long line-ups when trying to get into some of the city's hottest nightclub spots, so long as I plan to frequent the place between the hours of 11 am and noon.
• 20 percent off any new release at participating Blockbuster Video locations.
• Should any controversial event force Toronto Mayor John Tory to resign, I immediately become fourth in line for the job (note: I wrote this piece prior to February 10th). Same thing goes for the Pope's role.
• Any time I ask, day or night, Elon Musk will give me a lift to the airport.

Okay, fine - most of these perks aren't exactly legitimate (still waiting to hear back on the airport one), but here are some of the actual benefits to paying for Twitter Blue:

• The power to edit Tweets: I can't tell you the amount of times I've sent something and had to immediately delete it and re-post, hoping that the obvious-to-everyone-but-me typo wasn't noticed by anyone. Now, I have thirty minutes to go back and casually edit the Tweet. Now, if I could just have that ability for texts I send to my wife ("No, no - you misunderstood. What I meant to say was..."), we'd be all set.
• Writing super-long Tweets: Remember the days when you could only write 120 characters or less in your message? For lifelong writers like me, that meant tons of abbreviation and the painful of re-editing of words so that people could get the gist of what I was trying to say. Now, Twitter Blue users can apparently create 4,000-word Tweets each time! And while that sounds like a ridiculous amount of text, I can see a day not too far off where people are complaining that it's not enough text to get your message across.

If I'm being truthful, though, neither of those things are really why I decided to go for "The Big V" (as it's referred to around my basement office).

For the past several years, I've been carefully building up my personal brand, which includes improving my social media presence. In my mind, having a Verified Twitter account was one of those bucket list things I wanted to accomplish, even as the overall quality of Twitter has declined. And while the blue checkmark is now an opportunity that can be purchased instead of earned... I still feel as though it's an important part of my journey. I've also picked up some additional followers already and the quality of incoming spam DMs has improved slightly (e.g. fewer typos).

All jokes aside, I realize that Twitter is not necessarily the same game-changing technology it once was. And buying my way into becoming Verified is the social media equivalent of Michael Scott buying himself a "World's Best Boss" mug at Spencer Gifts.

At the end of the day, we'll see whether this is worth the investment and makes me a true VIP, or whether it's just a way for the Twitter Corporation to make a few bucks off my person. But either way, if you want to humor me, feel free to follow my newly-verified account. Granted, I don't have the social media savvy of a Cap'n Crunch, but I do believe I'm getting there.

If you'll excuse me, though, I hear the distinct sound of a Tesla horn blaring at my doorstep. Either Elon is here for my lift, or that neighborhood kid is making serious money from shoveling driveways.

If you enjoyed reading this edition of?Storytelling by Sean, please encourage your friends and colleagues to subscribe. If you have any feedback, please drop me a note on LinkedIn, on Twitter @seanbpasternak, or via [email protected].