Verbal Stretching: A Coaching Tool to Explore Clients' Words & Meaning

First published by CINERGY Coaching (www.cinergycoaching.com) in

CINERGEMS newsletter June, 2021

By

Patricia “Pattie” Porter, LCSW, PCC

Conflict management coaching is a mainstay of my dispute resolution practice since 2003. This article introduces the concept of Verbal Aikido and how verbal stretching can be a powerful tool for coaches to practice neutral listening and support the client explore the meaning of their words.

Introduction to Verbal Aikido

Nearly three years ago, I decided to stretch myself and strengthen my constructive responses to verbal and non-verbal trigger points. I could quickly get defensive when I perceived a personal verbal attack. These were short explosive reactions that would end swiftly but still left a residual negative feeling and unintended impact on my close relationships. I committed to learning Verbal Aikido with Luke Archer from Lyon, France. In Archer’s book, From Conflict to Conversation: The Official Verbal Aikido? Practitioner’s Guide (2020), Morihei Ueshiba developed the Japanese martial art, Aikido, and its principles guide the practice of Verbal Aikido. Aikido translates to “the way to harmonize energies.” The method of Verbal Aikido is how to use three steps to de-escalate a situation within a time frame of a few seconds to a mere couple of minutes. We use the movements: centered expression, enhanced neutral listening, and a proposed solution or an “Ai-Ki” to bring the swift attack to closure or conversation. Just like any other skill set, it requires daily and intentional practice. Practitioners meet virtually to practice “verbal sparring” and take real-life situations we encounter in our lives to practice the 3-steps. Here are two examples someone might bring to a session: A best friend retorts, “You are disrespecting me!” or a boss exclaims, “You need to be more efficient with your time.”

We use a warm-up exercise, “verbal stretching,” to build communication competencies in centered expression and neutral listening or a form of empathetic listening. My recommendation is that verbal stretching can be a powerful tool coaches use to assist clients in exploring the meaning of words while the coach listens without judgment.

Centered Expression and Neutral Listening

First, let’s explore the meaning of centered expression and neutral listening. A centered expression is when we ask someone to share thoughts about the meaning of a word, such as “respect.” We encourage the speaker to find their center allowing them to feel at peace and harmony while speaking truthfully. As they explore the meaning of a word, we ask them to observe or notice when they get self-critical or filter their thoughts. The goal is to return to a harmonious center and speak freely without judgment from the listener.

Luke Archer states neutral listening begins with an empathetic posture and a genuine willingness to listen “without judgment, interruption or reformulation.” It is the listener’s job to receive what the person shares with “…open, silent curiosity.” It is also essential for the listener to notice when they lose neutrality by internally analyzing or judging, positively or negatively, what they hear. The goal is to return to neutral listening.

Verbal Stretching – A Tool[1]

There are several stretching formats and dynamics found in Archer’s book. A basic stretch, the Simplified Linear, involves five questions. The listener asks the speaker the following questions while listening in silence, proceeding from question to question without clarifying, summarizing, reframing, or reflecting. They are completely present with the speaker. This exercise takes approximately 10 minutes.

Question #1 – What does the word “X” (e.g., Credible) mean to you?

“Breath” stretch

Question #2 – Is there something else, or are you fine with what you shared?

Question #3 – What is one word or idea that stands out most from what you have expressed?

“Simplified Linear” stretch

Question #4 – What could be at the source of “X” (Credible)

Repeat the two breath stretch questions #2 & #3

Question #5 – Thinking about “X” (Credible), what might be a result of X?

Repeat the two breath stretch questions #2 & #3

Once the client answers, the listener notes where they lost their neutrality by reflecting on their self-talk, the speaker can observe where they were filtering their thoughts with self-criticism or disapproval.

Application to Conflict Management Coaching

The International Coaching Federation[2] (ICF) core competency, Communicating Effectively, “focuses on what the client is and is not saying to fully understand what is being communicated in the context of the client systems and to support client self-expression.” Coaches use active listening to explore the meaning of a client’s words with the underlying premise that we are not assuming what is behind the word, phrase, or metaphor. By doing this effectively, we facilitate a client’s new insight.

Let us use a coaching client example. As you deconstruct the conflict situation with the client, the client repeatedly uses the word “credible” about their identity. Here is an opportunity to use the verbal stretching tool with the client.

Coach: I have heard you use the word “credible” several times, and there seems to be something more meaningful to this word. I want to suggest we use a tool called verbal stretching to dive a bit deeper into this word. Would you be willing to try it?

Client: Sure.

Coach: My role in using this tool is to ask five questions and fully listen without judgment. I ask that you allow yourself to say what is on your mind without any self-criticism. Just let whatever comes to mind flow out. Are you ready?

Client: Ok, I’m ready.

Coach: What does the word “credible” mean to you?

Client: Well, it means people recognize me and see me as intelligent. I know what I am talking about, and they need to trust me.

Coach: Is there something else, or are you fine with what you shared?

Client: I have years of experience and depth of knowledge in the industry. I am competent. Confident.

Coach: What is one word or idea that stands out most from what you have expressed?

Client: Respect my competence.

Coach: What could be at the source of “credible?”

Client: Trust, my character, mutual respect, confidence, genuine…(pause)

Coach:?Is there something else, or are you fine with what you shared?

Client: I need to be trustworthy and respect other ideas if I want them to listen to me.

Coach: What is one word or idea that stands out most from what you have expressed?

Client: Trustworthy

Coach: Thinking about credible, what might be a result of credible?

Client: Mutual respect, collaboration, trusting relationships, growth…(silence)

Coach: Is there something else?

Client: My ability to be an effective leader.

Coach: What is the essence (one word or short phrase) from what you just expressed?

Client: Trustworthy leadership

Upon completing this verbal stretch, I would ask the client to share at what point they noticed they were filtering or pausing to share because of self-criticism. At what point did they feel they were not authentic or in alignment with their true thoughts and feelings. When using any verbal stretching techniques, it is very important not to clarify or make sense of what the client shares in this free-flowing, no judgment zone exercise. After a short debrief with the client, a coach could facilitate a coaching conversation to explore the experience and new insights that arose because of using this tool.

In summary, a coach uses various tools to explore the client’s meaning and evoke new awareness. Verbal stretching techniques are a powerful tool to expand your skillset.

Patricia “Pattie” Porter, LCSW, PCC, is a 27-year conflict management practitioner working with federal agencies and private companies. She is a CINERGY? Accredited Senior Trainer, Coach Mentor, and Competency Assessor.

https://www.conflictconnections.com/verbal-aikido-from-conflict-to-conversation-11.html

[1] Used with permission by Luke A. Archer (2021), From Conflict to Conversation: The Official Verbal Aikido? Practitioner’s Guide. Betterfly Publications.

[2] Source: https://coachingfederation.org/core-competencies