Verbal Judo - the Gentle Art of Persuasion
Eugene Toh
Empowering Lives Through Storytelling | Corporate Leader in Governance | Chairperson at Methodist Welfare Services | Assistant Chief Executive at Energy Market Authority
Martial arts is used in our language, though we are often not cognisant of that. In fact, there are two types of languages used in a conflict: verbal karate, or verbal judo. The former tends to be our natural response in a dispute, where we can become defensive and say things which we tend to regret later. In contrast, just like the namesake martial art which means “The Gentle Way”, verbal judo is a de-escalation framework which utilises a gentle yet powerful way of persuasion to avoid, resolve and manage resistance.
This was my takeaway from the book “Verbal Judo” by George Thompson, who was a former police officer who helped trained thousands of police officers in the art of de-escalation, particular during confrontations on the ground. His 5 steps of verbal judo are in the following escalation order:
At any point of the escalation process, if the other side accedes to the request, the process can be halted. Typically, if agreement is reached prior to the last step, it would be a win-win solution.
This is applicable not only for enforcement officers, but also in our daily lives as well, be it in negotiations at work or dealing with life situations. I have a teenage son, who is going through this adolescence phase where every order he is given is questioned. ? Suppose I ask him to clean his room, and he responds with a “why”. Rather than just say “because I said so”, I should move to the next step to set the context, and explain why cleaning the room is good of hygiene and for the comfort of the home. If I sense resistance, step 3 is to present the options: clean the room and everyone is better off, or choose not to and be grounded for the weekend. If there is still hesitation on his part, I would ask him the question “Can I do or say anything to make you cooperate?”? Only then do I act, which would be a major contrast to what I would have done in the past - to assert my authority too early, and create an unnecessary stand-off position.
Just as importantly, the 5-step escalation framework can often be used in mediation or attempting to resolve conflicts or reduce tension. As a trained mediator, I have a better sequence of facilitating discussions so that parties can achieve a win-win outcome, rather than be in a stalemate position.
And as part of the CMC's digital outreach effort to increase the awareness and accessibility of mediation, we are excited to share a comedic take on mediation done by SGAG that was freshly posted on their TikTok channel. Enjoy!