The Value of … No!

I used to have a big problem saying no and being said no to early in my career. Why? For one, this binary word carried a stigma of disappointment whether I delivered it or received it. It wasn't until I met my first mentors at Microsoft – Karin Moore and Mike Novasio – that I learned there was more to No than I initially thought.

Before I can share my opinion on the value of No though, it's vital to first understand what No could mean and what it definitely should not.

What No should mean (to name a productive few):

• I have to prioritize something else
• I am open to a reasonable counter
• I will still empathize with you
• I still respect you

What No should NOT mean (to name an unproductive few):

• I don't care
• I don't know
• I am not sure
• I don't respect you

This new way of thinking and recategorizing No in my thought process and vocabulary meant a season of intense change for some rusty, engrained, hard wiring that I didn’t know existed. But it was worth it, and I am still learning/applying this mindset today.

Being able to say and receive No at work (and in many scenarios even outside work) taps into that part of the psyche that vectors how comfortable you are with yourself, how confident you are to bring your authentic self, and how secure you feel in the environment that you operate within. It also means making the constant, daily, conscious decision of choosing humility over pride and ego in every setting.

This approach may sound easier to write/read than do, but once you internalize the real value of No, you will see that the impact far outweighs the effort making it worth your while.

“Half of the troubles of this life can be traced to saying yes too quickly and not saying no soon enough.” - Josh Billings

So what is the intrinsic value of No? I alluded to it when I jotted down a few translations above but at its core, saying No is synonymous with focus. The tangible, valuable output of No, if done right, is focus. This means being okay with trade-offs and disappointments. Many times, I have heard leaders say focus is the key ingredient to business and professional success, but then also have had the ad-hoc kitchen sink thrown at teams to go deliver on. I quickly realized that this mixed messaging is the quickest way to drive out your top performers.

Speaking of trade-offs, saying No implies that while you are aware of your surroundings, you are also prioritizing inbound requests via a stack rank based on a reasonable set of criteria. Now here is the catch: what are your focus/prioritizing criteria? Does it allow you to focus on the "right" things that are important for your team's success and the business? Are your criteria aligned with your team and leadership? If so, great. If not, you are not focused on the right things, thereby potentially saying no to the wrong things – and you need to ask for help on clarity.

On the flip side, if/when you receive a No, that is an opportunity to learn more about the other individual's focus areas. This is where assuming positive intent comes into play. Assume the best out of the other person and make an effort to empathetically learn what is keeping the individual's attention/focus in a non-threatening way (and offer any help if appropriate). The net takeaway on receiving a No is still the value of focus but, in this case, learning the focus areas of the other individual. Nothing wrong has ever come from having the empathy and humility to learn about others.  

“When you say yes to others, make sure you are not saying no to yourself.” - Paulo Coelho

And so, on a parting note, there should be no stigma associated with saying or receiving a No. The valued byproduct of a No – focus – especially in today's changing times, is a challenge to achieve for a full hour, let alone a full day or month at a time. But we try. There is no shame in the pursuit of focus, and if anything, it's a classical trait of good leadership and self-awareness regardless of your scope or where you sit in the organization.

So, let go of the insecurity, pride, ego, shame, and stigma of pursuing focus. Say no to the things that distract, derail, and decouple you from your focus. Be open to receiving a no, don't take it personally, and use it as an opportunity to learn about each other and where they're at. After all, what you make of it, is how you make of it.

“Focusing is about saying no.” - Steve Jobs