Valentine’s Day: Romance or Rort?

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it” Rumi

What does Valentine’s Day mean to you??Some people embrace it as a day to express love, while others see it as a?money-making rort?and?either ignore it completely or roll their eyes at those who celebrate it i.e.?the?Valentine’s Day Grinches!? But have you ever considered the?psychological benefits?of marking the day—even in a small, meaningful way?

The Science of Love

Love hasn’t always been a big focus in psychology. In my own studies, I only recall one lecture on love, covering?Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love, which explores intimacy, passion, and commitment (read more here).

?However with the rise of?Positive Psychology, research now highlights love’s important role in?wellbeing. Here are three simple ways to rethink Valentine’s Day:

1. Love as a Strength.? “Capacity to love and be loved” is one of the 24-character strengths identified through scientific research (www.viacharacter.org).? It’s also known as one of the “Golden 5”, which means it’s one of the 24-character strengths that is most highly correlated with well-being.? Now “Love” is not one of my “signature strengths” (i.e. top 5) but it’s one of my core life values and I am committed to living and using it more consciously.? So, try to consider Valentine’s Day as a wonderful reminder and opportunity to leverage love as a character strength and more consciously commit to using it by looking for opportunities to express your love e.g. a hand-written love letter which may mean more to your loved one/s than an expensive dinner!
2. Let Love In. ?You may have noticed that the Character Strength of “Love” incorporates both the capacity “to love” and “be loved”. In my professional work with clients over the years, this is one of the most challenging aspects of love and of creating loving relationships.? Like the quote at the beginning of this blog, it’s often ourselves that are the biggest blockers to love.? Many of us have emotional baggage from childhood or failed relationships that can interfere (often unconsciously) with our capacity to receive love.? We might feel unworthy of love and find it hard to believe and accept that someone can love us or frightened that if we let love in, we’ll only be hurt – again!? Why not use Valentine’s Day to curiously explore these blockers (if you have them) and consider engaging in an act of “self-love” by seeking professional assistance to nail those “issues” once and for all (www.psychology.org.au).
3. Rethink Love. Professor Barbara Fredrickson (author of Love 2.0 - read more) provides scientific evidence to show that love is not what we think it is. It’s not a long-lasting, continually present emotion that sustains a marriage; it is not the yearning and passion that characterises young love; and it is not the blood-tie of family.? Rather, it’s what she calls a "micro-moment of positivity resonance”.?? Professor Fredrickson suggests that love is a connection, characterised by a flood of positive emotions, which you share with another person—any?other person—whom you happen to connect with in your day. You can experience these micro-moments with your romantic partner, child, or close friend. But you can also fall in love, however momentarily, with less likely candidates, like a stranger on the street, a colleague at work, or a salesperson in a store.?? Consider using Valentine’s Day to create “micro-moments” of love with everyone you meet!

The Challenge

You might be thinking, "this all sounds great if you’re in a relationship and feeling the love, but what if you're single, even with the tips above to expand your understanding of love?" I spent many years as a "single" on Valentine's Day, and I used to be the "Valentine’s Day Grinch", however I had an epiphany: I realised I had a choice. I could choose to see Valentine’s Day as an opportunity to celebrate love in its broadest sense and become more loving toward everyone I encountered—embracing those micro-moments of love, or, I could choose to remain unhappy on Valentine’s Day. The choice was mine.

By making that choice, I realised I was actively nurturing my own well-being—both mentally and physically - as science now affirms. I also made a conscious decision that I wasn’t going to miss out just because I was single. So, I decided that Valentine’s Day would be my day to celebrate in my own way—whether that meant spending it alone, with family and friends, or maybe even treating myself to a beautiful bouquet of red roses! Why not? After all, I now know it’s entirely possible to enjoy Valentine’s Day even when you’re single—you just need to get a little creative!

I hope I’ve inspired you to consider or reconsider Valentine’s Day as a day to consider or reconsider love.? That doesn’t mean that every other day of the year we shouldn't be loving towards others or ourselves, but that Valentine’s Day can be a special day that is dedicated to the power of love!? So, why not use Valentine’s Day to create?more moments of love—for others and yourself?? Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!?

Note: If you'd like to learn more about the science of love/love@work through one of our webinars or Lunch-n-Learns please reach to us at [email protected]