Valentine’s Day Cheat Guide

Valentine’s Day is here again and regardless of if you are shacked up or not, it can be a bit of a non-event for some.

If you (ladies) don’t get showered with nice flowers and weird undergarments, or (gents) don’t get experimental sexy time, it may be considered a letdown. If you do score gifts and various disposable items, you may be on the end of a commercially driven burst of guilt.

These are complicated times.

With this in mind, we came up with some ideas for those who want to do?something, but not in the typical yawn-worthy Valentine’s efforts. We also have some options for those who wish to celebrate solohood.

For those who are romantically and/or intimately engaged with another human (or several) at the present time:

? Do something embarrassing-cute, like offer to pick your partner up from their work location but make up a t-shirt with a message on it like, “Just waiting for my hot missus”, or “My man has mad bedroom skillz”. It will be memorable and entertaining for your partner and hilarious for everyone else.?Sexy-time potential: 4/10.

? If you were thinking about buying jewellery for your other half, why not have a crack at making something. A homemade locket with a sweet note inside will significantly increase your chances of sexy-time. Also, the gold mining process results in approximately 180 million tons of toxic waste each year which finds its way into waterways around the world. You’d also be doing the environment a favour.?Sexy-time potential: 5/10.

? Tee up another couple and do something fun – tennis, dinner, comedy club etc. Your friends probably miss you now that you have kids and Netflix so why not use St Valentine’s Day to reconnect with them??Sexy-time potential: 6/10. Four-way-sexy-time potential: 3/10 (but worth a shot).

? Write out a list of all the things that you are grateful for that your partner does and post it to a social media channel, tag them in it, and pay to boost the post to thousands of people. If you can’t make a list of at least 10 things, you need to think harder.?Sexy-time potential: 6/10.

? If you were thinking about taking your equally significant other out for dinner, why not head out to a karaoke joint and have a crack at a revolting ‘80s love song and serenade them? As cringe-worthy as it will be for everyone else, your partner will think it is tops.?Sexy-time potential: 8/10.

? Book yourself and your partner in for an experience that is out of your comfort zone, like flamenco dancing, glass blowing, or something less strenuous like a tandem float or tandem massage. Do something new and unplanned and embrace the random.?Sexy-time potential: 8/10

? Failing all the above, why not just turn everything off (phones, computers, TVs, etc.) and hang with your partner for a few hours in the same space without any distractions or disruptions and see where the conversation or evening goes.?Sexy-time potential: 9/10.

For those who are not romantically and/or intimately engaged with another human at the present time:

? Tee up your other buddies (and their friends) to go out for a night of good food, a movie or sports event, and have a fun time just hangin’.

? Have yourself a solo App party – Airbnb, Uber Eats, Tinder, and Netflix. Combine them all and make a mess. Tell no one.

? Take your dog to the park and hang with your dog. This isn’t Valentine’s Day specific, it’s just a cool thing to do because dogs are rad.

? If you don’t have a dog of your own, borrow someone else’s. Go to a dog park and find someone who also has a cool dog. Then, spend a few hours hanging out with two cool dogs. Whether or not you converse with the other owner is up to you but not essential.

Alternatively, do nothing. Whether you go bizerk or go underground on Valentine’s Day is up to you. After all, it’s just another Wednesday – the coffee is still good, there is work to be done, and there are probably more people in the world who care about you than you realise.