The V Word Myth #5 Trust Before Vulnerability

Myth #5 Trust Comes Before Vulnerability

WORD...

The emotional gap is too much for men to cross… so men choose to stay stuck in the habits or behaviors that are comfortable and limiting..

There is one behavior that is present in 70% of the calls I have with men….

It may be their wife, their business partner, one of their adult children or them personally..

During our first live event in 2018 I guided 80 men through a vulnerability exercise to help men acknowledge and share any guilt or shame that was present in their life. The exercise is liberating because men recognize they are not alone and that their private thoughts and self judgements are common for most men. What surprised me during the exercise was the percentage of men who were struggling with the guilt or shame associated with alcohol.

Looking in the mirror can be confronting but it’s the self inquiry and exploration that leads us to the facts and when men build their lives on a solid foundation of facts anything is possible…

Vulnerability comes from being honest with ourselves and others. We begin to cross the gap that exists between where we are and where we want to be.

A default life or a created life… the difference is the willingness to engage in our personal work.

Men who deny, deflect or distort the facts tend to wander through life existing in mediocrity..

It’s painful to watch but it was more painful to experience it personally.

Yes, I have been there, the denial, mistruths that created guilt, shame, massive expectations of others, disappointment and discouragement. I THOUGHT the gap was too massive, scary and I THOUGHT I didn’t have the power, community, accountability or tools to even begin the journey.

So I stayed put…and endured… until the cosmic two by four hit me over the head.. (a concept my oldest brother Sammy, shared with me years ago.)

What I learned is an alternative strategy…

Testing versus trusting...it’s the singles that move runners around the bases… sure home runs are fun and sexy but 63% of the hits in MLB are singles while only 14% are home runs.

That is the culture of Realm. The small actions done consistently over time produce transformative results. A daily commitment, the power of community, consistency, accountability and the application of the tools.

The problem is men hunker down at home plate. They shift their batting stance but it doesn't produce results. So they continue to swing for the fences...this behavior over time impedes a man’s life, purpose and legacy.

How do you relate?

Facts are humbling but liberating… the strategic path is testing, trusting before vulnerability.

Singles before home runs...

Sexy.. No...

Effective...YES..

Brene Brown’s final myth of vulnerability, myth #6…

“Vulnerability is NOT the same as disclosure.”

When men practice being vulnerable the skill and muscle is activated.

But sometimes men mistake vulnerability for disclosure.

That’s what occurred for me.. When I experienced the liberation and freedom from looking in the mirror and owning the facts, it was like a drug. After being stuck for many years, the pendulum swung the other direction.

BOOM a fire hydrant of disclosure.. sharing facts that were not relevant.

It's not easy to nail down the facts in life without help and when I did I felt compelled to share the liberation and freedom that are a product of honesty. 

Before that, I denied myself fulfillment and joy for years because I was not willing to see or own the facts.

I wouldn't ask for help.

I pretended everything was fine. It looked good on Facebook, but in my private moments I knew I wasn't being honest with myself.

Disclosure will not create relatability or connection. Oftentimes disclosure creates the opposite because the sharing is not relevant.

My learning.. vulnerability is not the same as disclosure…the difference is relevance.

Facts shared without relevance is disclosure… and in this context may not be valuable or relevant for others.

Relevant facts shared with intention is vulnerability.

There is a subtle difference which boils down to the intention behind the sharing..

Being vulnerable and sharing my journey with the intent to support and help men like me is my calling and mission in life.

I’d be psyched to listen and learn more about how you relate…

What would be possible for you in your life if vulnerability was a behavior you tested?

Are your relationships stale, do you feel stuck, are you leading and producing results professionally, is there another gear, is your physical health stagnate?

What is it that you are holding onto that is weighing you down?

What is your relationship with alcohol?

Let's test and leverage how an open and honest conversation would serve you..

First click the link to complete a short questionnaire.

This will set the foundation for our conversation. 

A strategy meeting.

To simply explore..how is the lack of vulnerability impacting your life today?

How might you share your learning with another man.

Are you willing to be honest and look in the mirror? 

If the answer is yes, you will leave the meeting with a new perspective..

And if the answer is NO, ask yourself..

"How is the avoidance and distraction impacting my relationship with my wife and children?" 

What does this look like if nothing changes one year from now?

A conversation will produce greater awareness and insights about vulnerability and how you can begin to test and leverage it for good. 

You will see life differently... and an opportunity to live life differently..

Not right or wrong... good or bad..

Deliberately different...

The questionnaire is here....

Or our free webinar for you to watch...

Inward & Onward

Doug McGhee

PS..Thank you for reading today..