Uvalde Memories

It's been a little over a year (May 24th) since the murder of schoolchildren at Uvalde. I was reminded because there was stuff on my socials about it - as there has been for every school shooting... last year for our seniors...and they were just about done, ready to head into graduation, summer, and their glorious, amazing futures. Their final year was tainted by a shooting in our district at the start of the year which was rough on all of us, but then this at the end.

For me, it was just a bit too much - last year, we were being told things were back to "normal." They weren't at all, and everyone, even those who were told to tell us things were "normal," knew it wasn't true. The utter silence about Uvalde when the kids came in on May 25th was probably someone's misguided idea about social and emotional well-being or something, but it was the wrong call.

I wrote this about Uvalde a year ago, and the fire is still burning as bright. This is also why I will never, ever in my career, be the teacher of the year of anything. And I'm perfectly fine with that.

>>(from May 25th, 2022 on my socials) This was me, today - because, dammit - someone has to talk to these kids about this. I started with a slide that said, “ya good?” And how that’s what you hear in school when you come in. I said I wasn’t. Showed a slide of the Uvalde headline. Then I read this:

I want to talk about hate. Like you, I’ve always heard that “hate is such a strong word, we shouldn’t use it…” I’ve never agreed with that. There are things I hate; there are people I hate. And I think I’ve turned out okay…your mileage may vary…but I think hate has value. It gives me targets for things to address and things that I want to work to change.

This is not meant to upset anyone, and if you feel uncomfortable at any time, you may step out into the hall.

But…

I hate that for some of you, that last slide was the first time you learned about this.

I hate that, as I was typing this up, I heard teachers walk in the halls, laughing and joking like it was just another Wednesday. I know that I cannot control how people process things, and we all do it differently, but I can still hate it.

I hate that there was not a moment of silence in the announcements to just stop and think about what happened, even for a minute.

I hate that - after Columbine, Newtown, and Parkland, when we all collectively wept and beat our chests and said, “Never again!” We see that those words and promises were hollow, and this - yesterday, is just going to go down as “Tuesday.”

I hate that teachers - if you give us a minute - will go back to our dark humor about school shootings because deep down, we’ve all accepted and made peace with the idea that it’s no longer “if” but “when.” Not for you - for us. We stay in the school system longer than you. Most of you.

I hate that, as an educational system, as a district, we pretend to be serious about this problem, and institute program after program, teach ourselves ways to intervene and “help” - and congratulate ourselves for it, and go all smiley on TV and online - even when we know these programs don’t work. If they don’t work for one, they don’t work for all. If they were going to work, they’d have worked by now. We need better programs, I guess?

I hate that we are the only industrialized nation in the modern world with this “problem.”

I hate that I called it a problem when I meant to say, “murdering schoolchildren”

I hate that 19 babies will never experience this world - all its good and all its bad. Who will never know the wonders it holds. Who will never go to prom. Or homecoming. Or graduate from middle school. Or participate in a science fair. Or go to another book fair. 19 containers of endless, wonderful possibilities. Gone.

I hate that anyone in this country if they do not have immediate access to a tool that is specifically made for killing human beings, can easily get a tool that is specifically made for killing human beings.

I hate that, as a society, we glorify and worship a tool designed specifically to kill human beings. I hate that so, so many people feel so powerless or empty inside that they feel having one - or many - of these tools will help.

I hate that by saying anything more about this particular part, I run the risk of being labeled as a… whatever derogatory name you want to put in there - and then, that effectively ends all conversation, and my points can be dismissed because I’m a “whatever derogatory name you want to put in there.”

I hate that when this happens, we do nothing. Nothing.

I hate that "leaders" in this country see this as a thing that will allow them to score “points” with their followers, no matter how horrific or stupid the thing they say is. I hate that leaders can plan on this during their terms in office because we have so goddamn many of these things.

I hate that by saying “goddamn” someone might do what I said earlier, and toss out everything that comes next because I’m a “whatever derogatory name you want to put in there, and “they were hurt by words," and thus they can excuse themselves from taking part in thinking about this.

I hate that leaders in this country ascribe this to an unknowable supernatural being that apparently allows this kind of thing to happen because it doesn’t get enough…Mario Coin or whatever they want, so it keeps killing babies. Or letting babies be killed, which is the same thing.

I hate that I live in a world where what I just said is seen as acceptable talk coming from someone who considers themselves “a leader.”

I hate that even saying this is risky.

I hate that I work for a company that would advise me not to do this, and if crap hits the fan because of it, will not have my back. We did not have a moment of silence today, after all.

I hate that the same company tells me to concern myself about my students’ social and emotional health.

I hate that that company doesn’t see the irony in that.

I hate that I really am being careful in picking out my words when I want to scream and curse and yell, but there’s a greater than zero chance that someone in my classes will take this home, tell their parents and turn it all into something that it wasn’t, and they call the office, and…well, go back to that earlier stuff I hate for how that ends.

I hate that I had to write all of this down, rather than just talk, because of that.

I hate that we live in a world where if this were filmed and put on the internet, it would carry the title of “crazy North Carolina teacher goes on screaming, hate-filled rant…”

[breathe]

I hate that so many of you are so young, but show me the attitudes and thoughts of people that are so, so much older than you. It’s as if your years of discovering who you are and what the world is about have been taken from you.

I hate that you don’t question everything - from physics to chemistry to what you believe or what you “know” to be true.

I hate that you live in a world that makes it its business to beat the hope out of you, and make you think that there’s nothing you can do to make a change, so just keep things as they are, get that video game, buy those shoes, do that dance on TikTok and STFU.

I hate that so many of you believe that - that you, that we are powerless.

I hate that this idea has translated into all aspects of your life. That you are worthless, that you cannot do anything better or good, or right. That is wrong.

I hate that this world is not fair. I hate that there are people who see it as their mission to keep this world from being a place that’s more fair.

I hate that collectively, you’ve lived through a countless number of school shootings. I hate that, for you, these were a normal part of growing up, and combined with that feeling of not being able to make any changes, will always be normal, and your kids will have to deal with them too.

I hate that I said “countless” when I could have counted them, but the sheer number would have made me feel crappier than I already feel.

I hate that some of you - and this is part ego - have tuned me out already, and just want me to shut up. I hate that the world will be a scary and surprise-filled place for you unless you change.

I hate that some of you have written off this class, this school, this experience as valueless, from the content to the forcing you to think in different ways - both things that would have helped you in your future.

I hate that the idea that “you are what you do” has not been beaten into your heads more, for all that it means. I hate that living a life where authority is not questioned, where truth is not spoken to power is your normal. By not doing things, you’re establishing a pattern. If you don’t start doing these things, you’ll never do these things. That’s what they’re counting on: you, living life on your knees.

[breathe]

I love…

I love - and this one is about me and weird, so pardon my ego for a second because this sounds weird… I love that when I read this headline yesterday, I cried. I love…like…appreciate that this can still affect me. That I’m not stone inside where I would read the headline and say, “Eh…”

I love that for some of you, that earlier slide wasn’t the first time you heard about this - still weird, I know - but I also love that some of you are messed up by it, like I am. It means we can feel things. That’s good.

I love my job. I love that I get the honor and the privilege to see y’all every day and teach you about physics or chemistry or weird science stuff that you had questions about.

I love that I can occasionally get some thoughts into your heads that are different from the ones that are in there, and make you uncomfortable - whether it's about the subject or about yourself - because that uncomfortable feeling is where you grow.

I love that you’re here every day, whether because someone forced you - they want you to be better - or by choice - there’s benefit in learning and that makes you better - or by sheer enthusiasm - you know this is a path to becoming better.

I love the potential you represent. The endless possibilities you hold within you, the solutions to problems, the inventions, the help you will offer to others.

I love that some of you see this as a call - or a continuing call to action. As a push from the universe to do something, rather than just sit there and let things happen.

I love that each minute of every day is a chance to make that fresh start and be the person you always wanted to be. I love that some of you have realized that, and some of you are getting closer to realizing that.

I love that today followed yesterday. I love that the sun will come up tomorrow, no matter how badly we screw things up today. What is tomorrow, but another chance to do things better?

I love that there is hope. It’s active, and sometimes exhausting, but I love that I can look out there at you guys and feel hope. You - we - if we want, can make this place better.

So yeah - “Ya good?”

Not really. Not right now. But I will be better sooner rather than later. And I want to keep doing what I can to make the world a better place however I can, and I want you to join me.