Using Silence Productively

There will be many times in your marriage where you and your spouse are not talking to each other.

Conflict and conversations gone wrong lead you both to retreat to your separate corners of your home, talking at a bare minimum to discuss the logistics of the week.

In the space between you there are two routes available.

Use this "silent" time to stew in your frustrations and anger, ruminating on what they did wrong.

-or-

Use the silent time to move yourself back to a place of wanting to reconnect.

What's often lost when couples have these cold wars is that underneath their differences of opinion, and lack of mutual understanding is a DEEP desire to actually be connected.

And when you can't get on the same page, or receive the respect, empathy, and understanding you desire, it feels like the only safe option is to retreat AWAY from each other.

But really, the opposite is true.

When you are connected, open minded, and holding space for your respective thoughts, you are more aligned with what you want.

To be a united team, offering love and acceptance to each other.

And the cooling off periods and silent moments can help you get there, provided you use the time intentionally to help you work through your feelings and come back together.

Here's how to use your silence more productively:

#1. Take care of your emotions. You are withdrawing from each other because you've been hurt. It's important to identify what you are feeling and why. You want to have a way to self-sooth so that you can be in a better emotional state to solve your issues and get back in connection. (I have a podcast episode on this technique. Listen here )

#2. Take a different perspective. In order to move forward, you want to be open to looking at things from a different perspective. Many times conflict happens when we take things personally, or don't fully understand why our spouses are behaving the way they are. Get curious about all the things that could be going on instead of adopting one version of the story that leads you to feel angry and self-righteous. Ask, "what if we are both right, or both have valid perspectives here?"

#3. Identify what you need. It's so easy to remain in conflict and never think about what you actually need to create an effective repair. You want to start asking, "what is it that I need right now to feel good about reconnecting with my spouse?" It's important to consider things you can do for yourself - work on any resentment, unhealed wounds or boundary setting, as well as specific requests you might ask of your partner.

#4. Remember your WHY and what matters the most. Life is precious and when you zoom out, you would never actively choose to have another bad weekend, or day ruined because you couldn't get yourself to a better place. Spend time thinking about what is gained by coming back together, and what you're missing out on by staying in conflict with each other. You don't ever get that time back.

#5. Stretch yourself to reach out. It's important here that you don't put yourself in the position of overlooking things that are truly unacceptable for you, or get in a mode of self-sacrificing. However, you do want to consider "what's the thing I don't really want to do, but I could do it if i stretched myself a bit?" Maybe that's apologizing or taking responsibility for your part. Perhaps it's validating some point that your partner made that you agree with, or acknowledging their effort. Or it could be that you let them know you're working through your feelings, and hope you can come back together and move forward in a positive direction.

The key is to use your silence intentionally, and not as a negative coping mechanism that keeps you stuck. Silence should not be used to punish your partner, or to put up walls in your marriage. It can be a strategic decision for you both to go inside and do the internal work necessary to ultimately reconnect.

I'd love to know how this idea works for you.

Share your thoughts in the comments.

My best,

Dr. Chavonne

P.S. My podcast, Love Marriage Again with Dr. Chavonne has a wealth of episodes that can help you get yourself in a space of repairing from conflict in ways that really work for you.

Check it out here: https://blubrry.com/relateable/