Using our fears as driving forces for learning (1)

   The German psychoanalyst Fritz Riemann writes in his seminal book Anxiety, Using Depth Psychology to Find Balance in Your Life*: “We are subject to four fundamental imperatives that are reflected in us as strivings, each contradicting the other but at the same time complementing each other. In ever-changing manifestations they run through our whole life continually demanding new responses from us”.

   Riemann talks about our Basic Needs of Connectedness, Autonomy, Security and Freedom. According to him, they are the source of many of our strengths; and at the same time these needs are the roots of our basic fears. These fears can be – in Riemann’s view – important signals, which we could use as “friends” and driving forces in our development and growth to a balanced life.

Basic Need of Connectedness and Fear of Self-becoming

Let’s assume you are a member of a project team in a company. From your need of connectedness you strive for belonging to a community. You have developed strengths like listening to others, taking up their arguments with respect and contributing constructively to decisions of the group. In summary you have become a very empathic person sufficiently skilled in teamwork. Your basic need of connectedness was – together with the other needs - one of the supporting forces to grow to what you are now.

   One day you have a heated discussion in your team about a controversial topic like introducing a new product on the market. After some time you notice that your four team members have a clear opinion pro introduction. And you as the only one have strong ethical concerns against the plan. With this you find yourself in a conflict situation: Do you firmly stay with your position against the majority opinion or do you suppress your strong conviction and join the others in order to conform and come to a unanimous recommendation?

   Let us assume for this case you have given up your position and joined the others. In hindsight, in a later reflection you found, you had done this for fear of being isolated in and maybe even rejected by the group. It became clear to you that you gave up your position not because of convincing arguments but mainly because of your fears. Riemann calls this the fear of self-becoming, preventing you to stand for your own convictions.

   Now where did you miss your chance of using your fear as a force for development and growing? First you acted under the unproven assumption that by staying with your dissenting vote you will risk rejection. It is not a natural law to be rejected when you have a different opinion. Second and even more important, there is the question what might have been behind your fear of rejection? In a deeper reflection you might have found sentences like: “If I stay with my truth, others will reject me. I am only OK if others like me. I am not clever enough to really belief my arguments”. Again we are talking about assumptions.

   And this is the moment for learning: In case you accept your fears, you could look at them as “friends” and use them as signals for further reflection. You are now at the point where you can ask questions like:

• Are these statements assumptions, which you would like to change?(example: yes they are assumptions, I want to look at them carefully)

• What would happen if you stay with your assumptions another year?(example: this would be unbearable ….)

• What would happen if you let go your assumptions? (example: I would feel a lot of relief ….)

• What could be an alternative, supporting statement? (example: I need not be liked all the time, I can go into this conflict without fear …)

• What have you learned from this little exercise? (example: just changing the perspective can make a lot of a difference …)

Now you are invited as a reader to choose your favorite assumption in relation to your need of connectedness and venture a learning experiment. Much luck!

Will be continued with the other Needs and Fears from above.

Dr. Ernst Bechinie, MCC - Supports Executives and Entrepreneurs in Transition. Book: Secrets of Entrepreneurship - Revealed by those who did it. A case study of how 50 entrepreneurs successfully managed their transition from employees to their own business.