Using Friendships as a Path to Joy

My focus in work, and in life really, is to live in joy. And what research on happiness, joy, and life satisfaction over and over point out, is that connection is pivotal to it all. Paradoxically, we live in a society that places less value on friendships than ever, as evidenced by the declining rate in the size of our friendship circles.?

Marisa G Franco’s book, ‘Platonic - How the Science of Attachment Can Help you Make -and Keep - Friends’ is not just an ode to friendship and its crucial role in our lives. It is also a workbook to guide you through taking the steps to create (new) friendships and how to maintain them. This is a great book for those who want to expand their circles, for those who are moving into new places with no existing social network, or for those who want to break into new circles that align better with who they are now.?So, really, this is a book for all. I've heard this many times in my conversations; as adults, making new friends doesn’t seem to be as straightforward as it seemed when you were seated next to your new best friend in kindergarten.?But that is not to say it is impossible. Quite the opposite really!

No friendship is an accident (O. Henry)

New cities, new friends

I have moved around a bit throughout my life so far, settling into new cities and countries with every change. My first move was a thrilling and exciting experience: I didn’t know anyone who was going to study at my faculty, in this town as far away from my then-home as I could get (within my country’s borders). But friendships formed. For the next 2 moves, for a study abroad and an internship abroad, again, while I went at it alone, I landed in a group of people that all went at it alone. Friendships were made. Then, I chose to start my career in a new country, and yet again, I went at it alone. I found ‘my’ people.

When I crossed the pond to the other side of the world to settle in San Francisco, it was the same story. Here I was, in a new city where I knew no one. When I said goodbye to SF in 2021 though, I had to say goodbye to a wonderful group of friends I had found myself in.?

That’s the thing though: you don’t ‘find’ yourself in a group of friends by magic. It takes work. How much work (and courage) it truly takes is what I realized when I moved to Lisbon.

While this move was slightly different because I had a couple of close friends to welcome me to the city and the country, I did not land in an office, in the middle of a group of people I’d see every day. And while the people you work with will not always turn into close friends, having a group to land in, is a very helpful starting point. Plainly because of the amount of time you’ll spend with these people and the ‘mere exposure’ effect, you’ll start to like them - at least some of them. Even in that case though, it still takes one person to actually say: “hey, you want to go for a happy hour drink after work?” to move it from a work-friendship to an actual friendship.?I've gotten very comfortable with taking on that role. And you can too.

Making Friends

It is taking that initiative that is often the scariest. You’re putting yourself out there.?Rejection is a real possibility, and no matter how secure you are and feel, rejection is not fun to experience. Yet, when you feel secure in who you are, while rejection might sting, you know it will also heal quickly enough. It will not prevent you from trying again.

If you already feel insecure or vulnerable, a rejection might leave a bigger hole to fix. Paradoxically, the best way to fix that hole? Friends….but maybe, try to be a friend to yourself first.?

To take initiative, it requires you to be vulnerable. To allow for that, self-compassion is a great strategy. Here are three ways to explore how to incorporate self-compassion:

1. Self-kindness: “It’s OK it did not happen now. I showed up. I did what I set out to do.”
2. Mindfullness: having a balanced reaction to the painful event - it’s OK to feel sad, and to notice that.?
3. Common humanity: you’re not alone. Everyone fails from time to time.?

To make a friend, we must be a friend (franco)

Friendships are not a won-and-done deal. They take work. They take effort. But the reward makes it all worth it. Franco helps you to experience this reward by diving into 6 aspects of making friends and keeping them. ??

1. Taking initiative: put yourself in situations that allow for continuous interaction (meetup groups, hobbies, sports classes ..), assume people will like you, and open up the conversation. Take the initiative to invite the person you resonate most with to hang out after the class/hobby/event.?
2. Expressing vulnerability: remind yourself that others won’t judge you as much as you think for sharing vulnerability, and actually, it will impact their perception of your authenticity and honesty, in a positive way.
3. Pursuing authenticity: you are your authentic self when you’re not hijacked by a (perceived) threat. Mindfulness helps you access your empathetic and compassionate self. Take deep breaths, take a moment.
4. Harmonizing with anger: conflict resolution helps transform a ‘casual’ friendship into a lifelong one. Bring up issues that occupy your mind, in a constructive manner – open conversation with reflections on the situation, and do not dive into the blame game.?
5. Offering generosity: give because you love someone and because you want to show it, not because you want to ‘earn’ their love (also, generosity does not need to equal a monetary investment. Give a helping hand, lend an ear, spend time)
6. Giving affection: show your appreciation for your friend, for your friendship, for their role in your life.?

None of this is rocket science. I think most of us know how to do this - or can at least understand the steps involved. That is not to say that this is redundant information. Because while we understand it, taking action is something else entirely. And this book, and it’s actionable steps and takeaways, gives you some support on how to curb the anxiety that comes with showing up with vulnerability, with dealing with arguments and conflict, with showing up as your full self. And showing up, and investing in friendships, is worth it.?

A true friends knows the song of your heart and will sing it to you when you lost the tune.?(unknown)

My invitation to you

This book reminded me that things don’t just ‘happen’. It takes action, initiative - whatever ‘it’ is. So friendships are no exception to that. My invitation to you, therefore, is to take the initiative this week. Reach out to that friend you haven’t spoken to in a while. All it takes to start the conversation is a ‘hey, I was thinking of you! How are you?”. Take it from there. If you have no friend to reach out to? I’m here. I’d love to hear from you.?