The Flame of the Same: Using Forcing Functions to Break the Cycle of Old Habits

I consider myself an Olympic flosser, but more than one dentist over the past five years has told me I have a problem. They keep referring to it as “bone loss,” which they said over time can lead to gum disease. This all sounded a little suspicious — like a mechanic telling you you need to fix something that may or may not need fixing. After all, how could someone as floss-happy as me have something as serious-sounding as bone loss? Well, it turns out that where your teeth’s roots connect to your jaw, bone loss can occur and be caused by a number of different factors, including orthodontics (hmmm…there was that cross bite that needed to be corrected in ninth grade).

It wasn’t until my most recent visit to the dentist that I actually started asking questions. How bad is it? What does this look like in the next ten years? Twenty? Thirty? One thing led to another and they convinced me that I needed to be cleaning out my “gum pockets,” which in my case are deeper than someone with no bone loss. This “pocket cleaning” is nearly impossible with your garden variety floss but can be easily done with a water flosser. So I went home with my shiny new water flosser in hand and promptly put it on the bathroom shelf. It sat there for two months collecting dust while I went right back to using my preferred method — trusty old Glide.

I mean, this stuff looks pretty advanced to me.

Why was I still resisting something that I’d known about for years, had had multiple dentists tell me was a problem, had finally believed them, had purchased the expensive water flosser — and?then?summarily ignored it? Why did I revert back to an old behavior pattern when the promise of long-term oral happiness was as easy as picking up a simple water flosser?

Am I just stubborn?

Why do we do things in the same old way when there is, in fact, a better way? Why, in our relationships, habits, and work lives to we regularly get stuck in familiar unhappy ruts instead of unfamiliar happy ones?

Are we?all?just stubborn?

Or is there a reason that brains prefer sameness over happiness?

The biggest misstep your brain makes every day is confusing familiarity with happiness. This happens subconsciously — below the level of your awareness — but it happens nonetheless.

Brains aren’t optimized for happiness. They’re optimized for safety. So how does your brain calculate whether something is safe? By how familiar it is. In other words, your brain doesn’t necessarily prioritize happiness — it prioritizes what’s familiar (and simply?assumes?that what’s familiar will make you happy).

Let that sink in.

Your Brain’s Big Assumption: Familiar = Safe = Will Make Me Happy.

This is your brain’s tragic misstep. (And very possibly my oral health downfall.)

In assuming that what is familiar is safe and what is safe is good for you, your brain sets about trying to repeat things you’ve done in the past that may?or may not?make you happy. Your brain will even go so far as to stick with a?familiar?situation that’s?bad?for you rather than an?unfamiliar?situation that’s?good?for you.

We’re just like the moth — drawn back to the flame, even if it burns us.

In other words, it’s not happiness that your brain’s trying to get back to, it’s trying to get back to the same old patterns, the same old self-talk, the same old way you’ve always done something.

You’ve seen it before:

• The tired argument you keep having with your significant other (“Are we seriously having this conversation again?”)
• The phone-checking procrastination habit whenever you have something difficult to do
• The subtle, consistent dodging of awkward social interactions (Can I get out of this restroom without making small talk with the guy two urinals down?)
• The imposter syndrome you feel whenever you have to speak up in a meeting
• The binge-fest wind-down after the kids are asleep
• The revert-back-to-behaving-like-a-teenager when you’re around family (and to add insult to injury, them?treating?you like you’re a teenager)
• Hitting the giant orange snooze button on your phone instead of going for the run
• And yes, using a sub-optimal flossing method instead of a new and improved one

The list could go on. It’s so predictable.

But that’s the point. Why is it so predictable?

Your brain doesn’t care that these patterns keep you stuck. All it cares about is that they’re familiar; and if they’re familiar, it assumes they’re good for you.

Happiness isn’t your brain’s north star, sameness is.

So how do you break the familiar pattern that keeps you stuck and create a new pattern that makes you happy?

Use Forcing Functions

Forcing functions are a behavior change strategy that don’t give you an out. According to Dr. Benjamin Hardy, “You turn a behavior you’d like to do into something?you have to do.” Think of Odysseus asking his men to tie him up so that he didn’t steer his ship into the reefs below the singing sirens. That was a forcing function. He wanted to hear the sirens but predicted he’d give in, so he pre-decided his behavior and then created an environment where there was only one option — stay tied to the mast and don’t crash the ship.

Forcing functions take a lot of different forms (and some are more air-tight than others). But let’s look at a few.

• Want to stop checking your phone when you have something difficult to do? Don’t rely on good intentions. Try a?phone lock box.
• Want to stop doom-scrolling? Try a?website/app blocker.
• Want to write in your journal instead of binge-watching? Put the journal?on your pillow, not on the nightstand. (You can’t sleep with a journal under your ear.)

And yes — this can even work in your relationships.

• Having that same old tired argument with your significant other? Pre-agree that if that tired topic turns up, you’ll make a “T” and say, “Time out — I think we’re doing it again.”
• Feeling like an imposter before speaking up? Team up with a colleague and tell them that at every meeting you’ll speak up at least once. Now that they know, you can’t get out of it. Peer-to-peer accountability is a great forcing function.
• Worried you’re going to hit snooze again on your alarm clock? Team up with your fit neighbor down the street and agree you’ll meet them tomorrow at 6:30 AM for a run. Trust me — you won’t sleep in.

Which brings me back to my shiny new water flosser. I thought about putting it?in?the sink when I left for the day, but that might be unrealistic since I’m not the only person using the bathroom. So I removed my Glide floss and put the water flosser in its place. I know myself well enough to know that I can’t go to bed without flossing. No familiar Glide? Guess I’m going to?have?to use the water flosser instead.

Breaking an old pattern and creating a new one is difficult. Your brain will fight you all along the way — not because it’s a jerk, but simply because it mixes up familiarity and happiness. Using forcing functions to change old patterns actually works. They will steadily steer you away from getting burned by the flame of the same.

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Also published on Brain by Design blog and in?Better Humans?on November 10, 2022.