Using Emotional Intelligence to Make Your Holiday Gatherings More Fulfilling

I do not want to minimize the polarization, divides, and tensions that exist in our current society. However, arguments at holiday gatherings are nothing new. Whether it's about someone not pulling their weight during preparation or cleanup, or whether the "right" people were elected a month ago, emotions can run high when large groups of people with different views on life come together.

Yesterday, I attended Hile Rutlidge’s presentation on using emotional intelligence as a holiday coping toolkit. Hile and OKA do excellent work in teaching people how to understand emotional intelligence behaviors and how they impact our personal and interpersonal relationships.

My favorite takeaway from the session was to approach the gathering with a clear understanding that the people you are with are family and/or friends, and that your goal is to ensure the relationship endures—and, hopefully, is strengthened. Having a good time and ensuring people feel comfortable and safe at a holiday gathering seems like a reasonable, if low, bar for expectations.

Hile identified three key emotional intelligence behaviors that can help make the most of a holiday gathering: Emotional Self-Awareness, Empathy, and Impulse Control. Some concrete suggestions for managing emotions in this context included:

• Before the event, write down three things that might make you happy, frustrated, or proud during the gathering.
• Engage positively by focusing on the things that bring you joy, and have a creative plan for taking a break if a trigger for frustration arises.
• Listen carefully to people, even when you disagree. Ask them to tell you more about topics you might not agree with.
• Think about the consequences of escalating a disagreement.
• Resist the urge to dominate the conversation.
• Control your body language to ensure it reflects your intention to remain calm and engaged.

The challenge often arises when someone makes a sexist, racist, or otherwise offensive statement that goes against your values. In such cases, being able to calmly state that you disagree with the comment and that a holiday gathering is not the right place for such a discussion serves two purposes. First, it allows you to stand up for what you believe in. Second, it gives both you and the other person the opportunity to disengage from a conversation that could detract from the joy of the event. If it’s important, you can always find another time and place to continue the discussion.

Family gatherings can be incredibly fulfilling, but they can also require a great deal of emotional energy. Going into them with the intention of allowing both yourself and others to demonstrate love can inspire the best in our social and emotional intelligence.