Use No Way As Way

Use No Way As Way


“A person is a person through other persons. None of us comes into the world fully formed. We would not know how to think, or walk, or speak, or behave as human beings unless we learned it from other human beings. We need other human beings in order to be human.” - Desmond Tutu


I consider myself a slow learner. It takes me a while to really “get” things: concepts, approaches, techniques. I’ve been coaching for over 20 years and one might think that by now, I’d be like “I’ve got this!”. I don’t.


And for the most part, I’m OK with that (though it can be uncomfortable).


Over the course of the last 20 years, I’ve completed two full coaching certification programs from different coaching schools, completed programs on coaching “mastery”, been certified in Narrative Coaching, taught Narrative Coaching, been certified in instruments like the WE-I Profile, certified others on it, attended a dozen or more coaching conferences, presented at some.


And I’m still discovering myself as a coach.


My tendency (as an Enneagram 1), has been to feel like there is a “right way” to coach. A way to coach that should fit every person and every occasion. And, to a degree, this idea that there is a “right way” to coach is reinforced by the ICF (which I believe in the need for) and their coaching competencies.


That said, I’ve finally determined, after so much coach training, received and given, and so many coaching hours (over 6000) and so many clients (hundreds), that there is no “right way” to coach.


What drew me to this conclusion is my experience with a recent client. Unlike most of my previous clients, he is not someone who would normally get coaching. But it was strongly recommended to him, with some conditions around it, I suspect. And what an unexpected gift this client has given me.


Unlike my previous clients, this client is largely non-reflective. His ability to reflect on his own thinking, to take on different points of view, to connect with deeper, more vulnerable feelings, seems to be nearly non-existent.


Questions inviting him into other perspectives are answered largely from his own perspective. Invitations to reflect on his experience are met with surface observations. Other than anger, he has great difficulty naming his feelings. Self reflection isn’t something he had modeled for him or learned. The space that Vicktor Frankl talks about “between stimulus and response” simply doesn’t seem to exist for him.


After a number of coaching sessions in which I used my usual approach of inquiring into his experience, I realized - it wasn’t working. He wasn’t searching inside himself in any meaningful way or questioning himself so, of course, nothing was changing. And he was wanting to change and he had good reasons for wanting to change. He was motivated. He just couldn’t get there on his own.


Of course, my first thought was that I wasn’t doing it “right”. I was off my game. I wasn’t working within his system. But I didn’t dwell on that too long (as I would have years ago).


Instead, I shifted my coaching style to be much more reflective of my experience. Instead of asking him to reflect, I shared my reflections. I mirrored back what I experienced of him and I offered my sense of what was happening for him and THAT is what got things moving.


He couldn’t reflect on his own. But when I offered my reflections, he could consider them with a degree of openness and curiosity. I took on the missing aspect of his own internal experience, offering different reflections, perspectives, empathetic responses. We took what would normally be an inner dialogue and externalized it, with me playing the reflective role.


This may all seem really obvious to you - it’s not as if the idea of offering reflections and POVs as a coach is unheard of in coaching. It’s just that I’ve never experienced this degree to which it was necessary. So, it feels foreign and slightly non-coach-like. In fact, I feel certain that my current coaching of this client would not pass ICF muster. But we are making progress. Things are moving and shifting, finally.


As I reflect on my experience with this client, I’m reminded of Bruce Lee’s philosophy “Use no way as way”. And I’m bolstered by what he said in his book, Tao of Jeet Kune Do, “Use only that which works, and take it from any place you can find it.”


Ultimately, effective coaching is about what works and that can come from anywhere. And it’s the client (not the ICF) that determines what works. And often, I find that what works is discerning what the human in front of me needs from me to enter the space that allows for freedom and choice.


So, if you are someone who believes there is a “right way” to coach everyone or if you believe that maybe you’re doing it “wrong”, consider using no way as way. Lean into being human with the human in front of you. Let go of what’s “right” for what works. Trust yourself.


George Lantay

??????Empowering Conscious Coaches To Grow Their Businesses By Launching and Accelerating Their High Level Offerings ??????? CoCreating Heaven on Earth ??DM “It’s time”

5 个月

Your reflection on navigating coaching challenges speaks volumes about your commitment to continuous learning and growth. Drawing inspiration from Bruce Lee's wisdom demonstrates your ability to integrate diverse perspectives into your coaching practice. Your dedication to finding innovative solutions to client-related dilemmas is truly commendable and serves as an inspiration to fellow coaches. ??

回复
Jeffrey Wetherhold

Helping teams change together. Helping individuals speak to difference.

6 个月

Thank you for sharing! This is a great illustration of the value of reflection, which is a big part of Motivational Interviewing, approached from a different perspective.

Nic Marks

The Happiness Expert | CEO & Founder of Friday Pulse | TED Speaker | Podcast Guest and Keynote Speaker

6 个月

I am remembering an idea from Gareth Morgan who wrote the brilliant Images of Organisations .... that images can act like a "mirror" and a "window" ... looking in the mirror is the reflecting back and looking through (and opening) the window is showing possible ways forward. Like you Alison Whitmire I tend to think that it starts with looking in the mirror - but opening the window and guiding them through it, is sometimes the best way ... nice post - thanks for your reflections :)

Melanie Spring

The Leader of The Brilliant Rebellion

6 个月

Beautiful awareness and vulnerability. Always enjoy your insightfulness, Alison!

Cathy Williscroft CPCC

Create space. Grow with purpose. Helping individuals and teams achieve their desired results through Leadership Coaching ICF Member

6 个月

Excellent reminder to be in the moment, try out different approaches and notice resonance with the client. Thank you for the post

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