Use mirrors to read other people &?yourself

Let’s have a look into how mirrors help us read other people but also learn about ourselves. The twist here?—?these mirrors are not literal.

A mirror is a?mirror

Let’s start with a literal mirror example to ease into the topic. A physical mirror can tell you a lot about yourself. It’s equivalent to looking at data points instead of making a decision by gut feeling.

The perceived facial expressions can be completely different from how your muscles actually move. You can think you’re coming across happy, yet look angry on the outside.?

They can also work as punch to the face about your overall (physical) character. They can reflect big biceps from diligent workouts in the last 6 months, or show a belly that’s been steadily growing from poor food choices.?

A physical mirror is a harsh mistress?—?it will not sugarcoat reality, instead give you a clear picture.

Mirrors from Jung’s perspective

On the realm of psychology, you can use others as mirrors to learn about yourself. People you don’t like can often be indicative of subconscious traits you don’t like about yourself but see in others?—?this is what Carl Jung referred to as projecting our shadow.?

We can repress or even deny those subconscious traits, the shadow, and then come across the traits in other people. That subconscious recognition will be interpreted as a projection of the “bad” part of ourselves, which can be a reason to not like the other person.

However, using a mirror in direct conversations can be as simple as receiving feedback from others. It will show how you are perceived and can better calibrate behaviors and expressions. The tricky element I am dealing with at the moment is to differentiate when a person is simply throwing a label because they don’t bother to look deeper, or when I sincerely acted out of line and they are calling on my bullsh*t.

Looking at mirrors from the?outside

There is a more complex application of mirrors to human interactions. This is when you look at, or rather perceive, a person reflected by other people. This is the classic indirect characterization used in storytelling, whereby a character is presented via the stories, emotions, behaviors, and descriptions of others.?

This can be easily carried over to real life where you can gain interest, maybe a new friend or even romantic interest, by hearing stories and descriptions of that person from a friend. Hell, you can even get along with someone because of how positively that relationship is reflected in the eyes of others?—?not ideal if I’m being honest and a separate rabbit hole to dive into.

Personally, the more interesting angle for this mirror effect is when sitting on the sideline learning about other people?—?introverts will feel right at home with this one. You can learn a lot from observing how people communicate with each other, describe each other, physically react when speaking, when telling a story, when laughing. It’s quite fun to be honest.?

From an outside perspective, this will work as an indirect characterization of the person they are speaking to, and a direct characterization of the person you observe. Reactions, expressions, way of speaking will reveal power dynamics, genuine emotions vs standard quid pro quo, who people feel safer with, or all the way to a romantic interest.

The art of mirroring

The extra step for mirrors comes from negotiations. This is when you become the mirror during an interaction with someone.

On paper, mirroring has you repeat the last one to three words the other person just said. It will encourage the other person to empathize and bond with you more easily. They will feel heard, and when someone gets what they said repeated to them will facilitate further details and/or clarification. In fact, can even get the person to think twice, as they heard back what they just said and now come to grips with that.?

“Did I actually mean that?”

“Ooh okay maybe I asked for too much really”

“Oh yes what I mean is…”

“They are paying attention to me and want to know more!”

“Oh sh*t they are actually listening I need to get my act straight”

Closing thoughts

The idea with this mirror concept is that you don’t have to necessarily interact and/or look at a person directly to learn about them. Often you can learn by watching how they interact with others, or even how they are described by the people they have come across. Obviously you can learn a lot from one-on-one conversations but, speaking as an introvert, that can also lead to spending a lot more time and energy dealing with social anxiety than enjoying the conversation.

Direct interactions can be incredibly beneficial though. The person can call you out and that highlights when your actions are not aligned to your self-image. Interacting with people you don’t like can highlight character traits that you possess but are not aware of?—?the shadow described by Jung.

Don’t forget to play the mirror sometimes. It will help people provide more details and, in some cases, be more honest within the conversation.

And to wrap things up, look at a mirror every once in a while. It can help you align what you feel to be your expression and the expression produced by your face muscles.