USA: Living & Dying in Covid-19 Days.

You cannot understand loss until your heart and soul have been clawed out of your mind. You don’t question death, you question life.

Things, this pandemic, intensifies by the day. Terrifying enough by itself, it is married here, in the US to government carelessness and political strife. My nerves vibrating like a live wire from it, non-stop. Sleep, when it comes, is only a brief respite from waking to the nightmare.

The much lauded "CARES" 3rd Federal Aid package has, after only 3 days collapsed due to, again, lack of planning and preparation. On April 6th, Trump fired Inspector General Glenn Fine the independent oversight watchdog for distributing Aid funds. Small businesses are unable to process their emergency loan requests through designated banks and what were told after 3 days, there is no more money. Thousands of people are unable to access the unemployment website and unable to collect the "emergency" unemployment Federal or State money. I have joined the queue. The vibrating, perpetual “busy” signal adds yet another layer of desperation to days that no Netflix movie can erase. As of April 1st, across the country rents and bills have gone unpaid. The panic is rising and all the silly Memes online can't help it slow. The cries for complete rent forgiveness are swelling, the rip- tide of an incoming revolution riding the fears. The edge of hunger approaches.

Here in my room, I am looking at a pink spring blooming outside my window and wondering will my applications get processed? I hit the dial repeat again and again and again. All day. From 7:59am to 5:05pm. It’s my new “job”.  The buzz, buzz is an unsettling background noise creating an under-beat to my Pandora music. Will I get money for food next week? How are my 2 boys doing, in their own private versions of this hell, separated across the city? Calls are not enough and only show under the brave, supporting words how afraid we really are. We try to cheer each other up to forget our own waking real and imagined terrors. They are young men, trying to protect their mom who has been the sole parental ship of their lives.

Social distancing has become a political party tool. Republicans decry it, Democrats beg for it. People choose their sides and beliefs. Religious leaders lead their flocks into crowded churches to die. God is busy in the hospitals and morgues.

Every day, every hour we scan endless news sites, reddit, forums, federal alerts siphoning through endless murky advice, conflicting stories, "insider" threads. Washing sand, searching for a diamond of real information. We are exhausted emotionally and mentally. Deep in our darkest hearts, we know we are on our own. This government cannot, will not help. CEO's of Wells Fargo bank and so-called Leaders of business and government freely state, it's "ok" for us to die, as long as we get back to work and “save the economy” and their businesses.

Easter will not bring a Resurrection for those who have died. Domestic violence is rising and the shootings have begun. Society is unravelling and the violent undercurrent of this country is swelling. In nearby, smaller towns, masked and armed robbers are going into houses, despite knowing people are home, demanding cash and anything else of perceived value. 

The police are only answering major emergency calls. Hospital staff are dying for lack of protective gear. Where is the money going from the Federal Aid packages? Not where it is needed.

As I write this, I see the writing on the wall. So clearly. Just writing this article forces me to face it, as much as I try not to. Be hopeful, positive. Ignorance is truly, bliss. But now, ignorance- kills.  I will turn to Facebook to watch silly videos, briefly join in a pretence that “everything is ok”, turn on Netflix, try, really try not to think of what is coming.  But I know. It's coming... and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to keep my boys safe. I don’t know if my friends will die next. Nobody knows. Here in the US, we are all “in this together” in all the things we don’t’ know and fear.