THE US BANS TIKTOK?

CHINA: ?? I wonder what Americans are up to.

UNITED STATES: ?? are you spying on us

CHINA: ?? no?

UNITED STATES: ?? Well they said they’re not spying on us and they don’t have oil sooooo…

CHINA: ?? yeah we’re not trying to start trouble, we just want to market more products.

GOOGLE: ?? wanna place a bid?

CHINA: ?? No thanks. We’ll do it cheaper.

LINKEDIN: ?? hello dear.

CHINA: ?? we don’t want backlinks.

RUSSIA: ?? my friend, it’s easy to hack them.

BELARUS: ?? yeah. Even a teenager can do it.

CHINA: ?? wait, teenagers… there’s an idea…

RUSSIA: ?? how is tiktok going to interfere with election? Teenagers can’t vote. You should invest in nuclear weapons.

CHINA: ?? ok boomer.

NORTH KOREA: ?? we’ve got that covered.

THE PACIFIC OCEAN: ?? are you guys kidding? California’s failed recycling program is more destructive than those things.

CALIFORNIA: ?? plastic is cancelled! It’s too hard to recycle it!

SWEDEN: ?? it’s actually easy and profitable.

UNITED KINGDOM: ?? you’ll buy our trash?

SWEDEN: ?? sure. IKEA furniture isn’t gonna make itself from nothing.

UK: ?? wait how do you make those meatballs?

IRELAND: ?? you’ll never know with those deregulations. Happy Brexit!

RUSSIA: ?? hey China, how’s the spying going?

CHINA: ?? apparently Americans are so dumb they need tiktok videos to learn how to build IKEA furniture. How about you? Got your hands full with something?

UKRAINE: ?? F*** Russia. Anyway here’s your Uber Eats, sorry about the automated gratuity but it’s -30 degrees and I had to dodge 3 mortars on a bicycle. Good thing the Russians couldn’t hit water if they fell out of a boat. See you later.

RUSSIA: ?? No.. it’s just uh… our spying platform of choice is under too much scrutiny to continue.

US CONGRESS: ?? so Mr. Zuckerberg can the the Facebook read minds?

ZUCK: ?? Senator, no. We have no idea how to do that even if we wanted to.

US CONGRESS: ?? ok but it can read emails?

ZUCK: ?? No, senator. It’s not possible.

RUSSIA:?? really? Even a teenager could do that.

CHINA: ?? oooh good idea, add that to the terms and conditions. Nobody will ever read it.

AUSTRALIA: ?? terms and conditions? More like land sale winnings!

GERMANY: ?? excuse me, this term and condition is unacceptable. It will be eliminated.

AUSTRIA: ?? yes, we also love any excuse to create more rules.

AMERICANS: ?? I'M FREE AND ON TIKTOK LOOK AT MY GUNS AND MY QUARENTINE BREAD RECIPE

CHINA: ?? I can’t believe their senator posted this. Let’s look at their email—?? ooh that’s scandalous…

THE NEWS: ??

CONGRESS: ?? we need to ban tiktok!

FRANCE: ?? so their senator isn’t afraid of the video of him waving a gun around, he’s afraid of an e-mail hinting that he’s cheating on his wife?

CHINA: ?? hey France we just intercepted an email that your top government officials placed bets favoring Argentina to win the World Cup.

FRENCH RIOT POLICE: ?? here we go again…

FRANCE: ?? we also need to ban TikTok!!!