The Upside of No Expectations

A few years back, my wife asked me what the worst emotion was. After I guessed a few (anger, jealousy, etc.), she said this - disappointment.

At first, I had a hard time with that answer. However, the more I thought about it, the more I came to agree. I came across a quote from Maya Angelou in the book "effortless" by Greg McKeon that captures this well -

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

Now, how do I balance this against my role as a C-suite leader, father, community member, etc.? Don't I have a role/obligation to develop, coach, and expect results? Are there not expectations of me? How do I parse the two seemingly opposing views?

As a C-suite leader, father, etc. I have expectations of myself, which I can control. These expectations do involve the development, coaching, evaluation, and decisions involving other people's lives, not just my own. This has me put in the effort to try and help people become the best version of themselves, as possible. It also has me lean into things to try and influence others in a positive manner beyond just a few tries.

This is different from my expectations of others. While I may have a belief in what others can and should do, I cannot control how they behave, react, and develop. I can only control my efforts, my beliefs, and my ideals. I need to watch how these others act going forward and understand that they may not develop or desire to develop to a position, level, or belief system that I need or desire. How they act, react, or move forward is outside my control. I need to accept this and have no expectations from them, only from myself.

What if I do have expectations of others? What happens then? I end up hurt. I end up feeling like I need to punish others, or other less than worthy thoughts. With no expectations of others, we let go of our need to punish those who hurt us. It is not the others who are freed by this, it is us. When we are relieved of grudges or complaints, we can focus on the one thing we can control, which is ourselves.

Yes, this will require actions and decisions that are not easy. It may be not promoting someone. It may be demoting someone. It could be firing someone; distancing ourselves from someone; or removing someone from our lives. The act of having no expectations does not relieve us from actions needed. It is forgive, but not forget. It allows us to move forward with the people we wish or need to. It allows us to recognize what is in our control and what is not. It relieves us of the 'baggage' that we do not control.

So, when someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time. Then take action on what you can control and move forward. You will not be disappointed.