Upgrading My Life's Operating Principles

For most part of my life, I have had one guiding principle.

“Power through life’s challenges. Aim big and forge ahead with everything you’ve got”

I diligently followed this principle, all for the promise of ‘a better life’.

Growing up in a family with limited means, I believed that a better life meant financial success and societal recognition. I somehow ended up feeling that I had to achieve something big and become someone important to be worthy of anybody’s attention, respect or affection.

So I kept powering through my share of life’s hardships using ‘brute force’, a relentless approach with a single-minded pursuit of success.

How did I know I was working as hard as I could? Constant presence of restlessness and anxiety was confirmation that I was pushing myself hard enough. When those feelings faded, I'd worry if I was becoming too relaxed and complacent. I would resort to using guilt, shame and fear to jolt back into action.

I sort of needed that ongoing cycle of inner turmoil to validate my efforts. I did decently well in school, college and my career, so I never questioned the brute force approach and honestly, I didn’t know any alternatives. Looking back, I can’t say with certainty if it was the best path for me to grow. But I’m not delving into that now.

What I do know is that this ‘brute force’ approach isn’t really working anymore to make my life better. Why?

My life has significantly changed over the last decade, I now enjoy better financial security, access to more opportunities, and deeper relationships. I also have a genuine interest in building a business and exploring personal growth.??

My circumstances vastly differ from the constant struggles my parents endured. And the belief system I inherited is no longer in line with what I find fulfilling in life now. My idea of a better life shifted away from pursuing fame and fortune to improved health, stronger connections with family and friends, personal growth, and professional excitement.?

And yet, the need to chase project after project, goal after goal persisted. The struggle to rest, to relax, and to stay in the present continued. The nagging feeling that there’s always more to be done lingered. What’s more-? I still relied on the underlying emotions of fear, shame and guilt to fuel my growth. The inner turmoil that once kept me going started to take a toll on me and slowed me down.?I needed a different approach!

And then, in the most unexpected of settings, I stumbled upon a pretty cool growth strategy – right at home with my four year old! Watching my son tackle challenges with curiosity and wonder instead of shame or fear made me rethink my approach. I noticed that when he gets stuck, I never judge him, I only nudge him with warmth and compassion - hey, I could do that with myself too!? If it works for him, why not for me? After all, he either finds a way or discovers something new altogether!?

Like outdated software on modern hardware, the brute force approach no longer suits my current life. I need to adapt and approach things differently, building strength and resilience in new ways.?

What did it take to set on this journey? My journey started a year ago with deep self-exploration through therapy, coaching sessions, candid conversations and extensive journaling. Beyond these, it required vulnerability to deconstruct myself, compassion to turn around the inner critic and steadfast commitment to show up and be present.

And voila! After all that soul-searching, I present to you

My Guiding Principles for a Better Life Version 2.0!

1. Seek Knowledge, not Validation

My love for learning was overshadowed by the need to seek approval from those around me. But when I became an educator, creating ‘light-bulb moments’ for students and teachers sparked a newfound joy. Witnessing the thrill of discovery reminded me of the true essence of learning. The joy of knowing something deeply outweighs the fleeting pride of simply being recognized. One is fueled by wonder, driven by curiosity, while the other is rooted in insecurity. With this principle, I have found a renewed focus in my pursuits - big or small.

2. The Journey is the Reward

Every time I hit a goal post, I ended up feeling empty and wondering what to do next. I thought maybe I’d feel more content if I achieved something bigger. But conversations with more successful people revealed that they feel the void too.?

It was high time for me to figure out a way to shift the focus from the goalpost to the journey itself.?

Recently, I put this age-old advice into practice by adding a new section to our business expansion playbook titled ‘How can we maximize joy along the way? This section is turning out to be a magic compass that guides me whenever I need direction, keeping me from obsessing over the endgame.??

Now, instead of bouncing from one goal to another, I consciously pick a journey that is aligned with my priorities, and more importantly, a journey that I enjoy.?

3. Offer yourself up for destruction and see what about you cannot be annihilated.

Last year, when I took a few months off, I grappled with the fear of losing my drive and ambition. A few years ago, during my pregnancy, I was so anxious about becoming lazy that I dreaded taking afternoon naps. I perpetually worry about losing a fragment of my identity.?

I chanced upon this principle on an online course. It gave me the confidence that my true essence cannot be destroyed. If I venture into uncharted territories or deviate from who I once was, it simply means those aspects were never truly a part of me. And something more authentic will emerge!?

It's liberating to realize that authenticity is indestructible! (On a side note I now take 15 min power naps, which have remarkably boosted my mood and clarity of mind throughout the day.)

I’m still in the process of fully integrating Version 2.0 into my life. Occasionally, I do get caught in the trap of proving myself, and I still struggle with an underlying fear of being inadequate. I continue to falter, and at times, I falter hard. But I’m learning to rebuild myself. Well, good upgrades take time, rushed fixes often result in glitches, or so they say.?

While I may still aim big and forge ahead, it’s time I shift gears away from fear and shame and operate from a place of joy, curiosity and wonder.

“There is no getting it right. There is no complete. There is no finish line, no done, there is no 'I'm going to get it'. There is just What is the next experiment? , What is the next adventure? , What can I learn from what just happened?, There is just play!” - Joe Hudson

Finally, I’ll leave you with two questions

1. What principles do you need for your growth, in your current version of life? More importantly, what principles are no longer valid ?
2. What principles do you want to pass on to your children from your own growth? What do you enforce now that you can let go of based on your personal growth?

Resources I used along the way:

• Conversations: A big thank you to everyone who has indulged me with all the questions about life and living. If you are reading this, you know who you are.
• Books: In Love with the World, The Dalai Lama's Cat, As a Man Thinketh, The Listening Book by Mathieu WA, Listen by Patty Wipfler, The Parent's Tao Te Ching
• Podcasts: Enjoy Over Manage, Authenticity Over Improvement

• Courses: The Connection Course, Master Class