We're Not Born with Emotional Intelligence

My husband and I are huge Kevin Costner fans. As usual him and his wife were a total class act at the Oscars, and we loved his speech about what got him hooked on the movie industry (full transcript of his speech below). Everyone is calling it an emotional speech. And everyone especially appreciates it when men are emotional. Apparently it's an art form that needs to be mastered. According to Fast Company , "the ability to identify, express, and regulate emotions is essential for success."

Having high emotional intelligence is the new way we rank leaders. All this has become far more relevant with the never-ending workplace shifts, because now everyone wants leaders with much greater emotional intelligence for handling all these changes. But it's a bit ironic that we use this term so freely, since it's talking about two completely separate systems. Not only are they completely separate - they're also completely opposite. For everything we do in life we're either in intelligence mode or emotions mode.

Since we're tackling this whole Great Resignation issue intelligently, we're missing the whole point of what people are really searching for - a job that will put these two things together: emotions and intelligence. This is what nobody is getting.

The following definition of 'emotional intelligence' is a classic example of only using the mind, not emotion:

Emotional intelligence (otherwise known as emotional quotient or EQ) is?the ability to understand, use, and manage your own emotions in positive ways to relieve stress, communicate effectively, empathize with others, overcome challenges and defuse conflict. (helpguide.org)

So is this HBR article on employee retention - they want to fix this challenge by being smart:

The Key To Solving the Great Resignation

Since we're tackling this whole Great Resignation issue intelligently, we're missing the whole point of what people are really searching for - a job that will put these two things together: emotions and intelligence. This is what nobody is getting. It's a super-complicated process because we're so used to either using one or the other system. Whoever understands this will also understand that it's the key to keeping employees engaged and satisfied right where they are.

Since these two opposite systems are not in balance and not synchronized, we're in constant conflicts and clashes with one another.

Let's zoom out to the bigger picture. Since these two opposite systems are not in balance and not synchronized, we're in constant conflicts and clashes with one another. We're trying to define our lives with our brainpower, and we're trying to crack the code to human flourishing using brainpower - but it's actually our emotions that define our human relations. And our human relationships are the key to success from now on. So first we need to feel close to one another, and then comes the intelligence part. It's the mind's role to strengthen whatever is attained emotionally. To be happy and fulfilled we need to learn to balance these opposite systems: our emotions and our intelligence.

We're trying to define our lives with our brainpower, and we're trying to crack the code to human flourishing using brainpower - but it's actually our emotions that define our human relations.

Now is the time to use the full realm of our emotional intelligence to create better workplaces. We can only do this by learning how to connect our intelligence and emotion in the most optimal manner. This can only be done with the integral method, because it's impossible to change anything about our EQ on our own. This is why I'm always talking about investing in human connection and Connection Workshops - that's the magic formula everyone is searching for.

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Kevin Costner's Emotional Oscar Speech

Kevin Costner was presenting the award for Best Director. He began by talking about what movies mean to him:

You know, about a half-mile from here, I saw my first full-length adult movie. I know what you're thinking, but I was seven years old and I was away from my parents and wanted to have some fun. It was a cowboy movie called How the West Was Won. And what I witnessed that afternoon in the Cinerama Dome was perfect. The curtain, when we still had them, opened to a film almost 4 hours long. It had an intermission where the score continued, subtly signaling at one point that the second half was about to start. I don't know where everyone went, but I wasn't going to move an inch. I decided that I would not give up my magic seat. I was determined that I would not miss a minute. And as I sat in that dark that afternoon 60 years ago, all I really knew was that I was in careful hands. Little did I know that three directors would be responsible for that epic moment in my life. They fired my imagination, and they captured my heart. That's what can happen when you direct a movie. You can change a mind. You can change the trajectory of a life, of a career. You can capture a heart. But you can't do it alone. And directors, tonight's directors all know the possibilities. They know what's at stake. It's why they give their precious time. It's why they choose to fight through the long days, and the longer nights, and the endless questions, and the inevitable second guessing that comes from those who would do it differently if given half a chance. These five directors have all managed to stay the course. They have all held the line and masterfully given us the gift of a single vision, and for that we honor them.