Unwrapping Compassion

Sparkling snowflakes fall slowly, like precious feathers from the sky. The empty streets left by the year-end holidays are now covered in a white carpet. The air smells clean and crisp. And there’s soothing stillness everywhere...except in the shopping mall. Inside, a completely chaotic scene. Thousands of excited people run around in a frenzy, their hands full of shopping bags, gift boxes, and colorful wrapping paper. Their thoughts are on finding the perfect presents before the stores close for the day. Many people line up outside the electronics store to get their hands on a big-screen TV for half the price. Others rush in what can only be described as a stampede to snag bargains at the numerous luxury brand stores. In between, dozens of kiosks struggle to keep up with late buyers looking for beauty products, phone accessories, and handcrafted jewelry.

Throughout the stores, there are countless donation boxes set up to take advantage of the increased compassion that the holiday season brings. Most of them collect money for specific charitable causes, but others accept in-kind donations such as clothing and reading glasses. "Please excuse me, sir. I see that the donation box is completely full. Do you know how I can still make a contribution?" a young lady asks Nelson, the pet shop manager. He stands tall, dressed in his usual dark-green cargo pants with side pockets full of doggie treats, a navy-blue Polo shirt with the store's logo on the front, and a white apron with the iconic image of Uncle Sam pointing outward with his right index finger, his eyes fixed on the viewer (but the caption doesn't read "I Want You," it says "Adopt a Pet" instead). Nelson turns around and replies: "There's another one right next to the fast-food area. You can also donate online by visiting the charity's website. Alternatively, the community has formed a giving circle. Money is transferred to a pooled fund, and then all participants agree on how to distribute the cash," he adds. The customer nods and walks away with a smile, unaware that she has just received advice from one of the most caring people she has ever met.

Nelson's deep compassion was evident even when he was only five years old. Back then, he felt an urgent need to share his toys with any child who appeared to be less fortunate than him. Fast forward three decades and his need to help has only grown stronger. Nelson is the first person to offer assistance to anyone in need. He genuinely cares about those around him and shows this by being kind to everyone he meets. He can put himself in the shoes of others and understand how they might feel. He not only listens to what they have to say, but he also empathizes with them.

"You are such a nice person, keep it up!" he’s frequently told. However, Nelson's entrenched desire to help is not always as fulfilling as it appears. He’s extremely sensitive to the emotions of others. He not only feels what other people feel, but he also suffers from it. This often causes him distress, anxiety, and sadness. He has a soft heart for children and animals in particular, which means that their suffering affects him deeply. He always goes out of his way to make a positive difference in the lives of others, even if it means putting their needs and desires ahead of his own. And when he’s unable to be of value, he berates himself and lets his inner critic run wild.

"I have to help everyone I can. If I don't, who knows if they'll be able to find the help they need? Anyway, what kind of person would I be to refuse my assistance when I can provide it?" Nelson muses to himself. "Perhaps this is my true calling in life, to be there for others when they need me.” He ponders. “Hmmm...that must be nice...to have someone to lean on when things get tough... someone to hold on to when fear takes over...someone to provide company when loneliness strikes," he thinks to himself.

Do you prioritize helping others over taking care of yourself? Are you one of those for whom compassion is a pillar of their value system? Compassion is a Latin word that means "to suffer together." As a result, it progresses from feeling with the other to feeling for the other. It’s distinguished by concern and care for others, as well as a strong desire to improve their well-being. Compassion, according to several research studies cited by Positive Psychology , promotes social connection, is associated with increased happiness, allows for lower burn-out, stress, and depression, improves parent-child relationships, and translates into more job satisfaction, among other benefits. Compassion is an essential component of evolution because it protects vulnerable offspring, encourages cooperative behavior among non-family members, and promotes adaptive mate selection. In other words, compassion contributes to the survival of the human species.

We can all agree that compassion is not only a desirable quality but also a necessity. However, if we allow this seemingly harmless personal trait to grow unchecked, it can quickly become a heavy burden. Jess Baker and Rod Vincent write in their book The Super-Helper Syndrome that extreme helpers feel compelled to assist to the point where they actively seek out opportunities to do so. They also believe they should not meet their needs along the way because neglecting them gives them a sense of pride. This mindset is typically driven by four irrational beliefs. First, consider the Good Person Belief. Helpers who are compulsive believe that being "good" means being "helpful." This concept becomes problematic when the person harshly judges themselves for not being able to do that. The second belief is the Help Everyone Belief. It’s associated with a heightened awareness of other people's needs and becomes unhealthy when the person begins to take personal responsibility to help everyone they meet. Third, there's the They-Couldn’t-Survive-Without-Me Belief. The helper thinks that there’s no one else who can help, that they have no choice but to help, and that the dependent is unable to care for themselves. Fourth, there is the No Needs Belief. The person resists meeting his or her own needs because there is a thrill in surviving on the verge of collapse.

Exhaustion, stress, and burnout can result from having too much compassion for others. Emotional overload can also result in feelings of helplessness, anxiety, and depression. And, after a while, feeling another person's anguish can tire us out or turn us apathetic. Most importantly, excessive compassion can lead to exploitative relationships because some of those who benefit from our assistance will take advantage of us. We frequently feel guilty for abandoning someone who claims to rely on us. And because we appear to want nothing in return, we receive nothing in return. As a result, resentment and self-criticism emerge.

"Just saying no" to compulsive helping isn't as simple as it sounds, because our brain's reward system makes us feel good about caring. According to the Mayo Clinic , being kind increases serotonin and dopamine levels in the brain, which give us feelings of satisfaction and well-being and cause the pleasure and reward centers in our brain to light up. Compassion also causes oxytocin to be released, which increases feelings of trust, calm, safety, generosity, and connectedness. Endorphins, our bodies' natural painkillers, are also released when we are compassionate.

It's worth noting that compulsive helping isn't necessarily bad. Actually, Baker and Vincent argue that the real problem with this behavior stems from our failure to prioritize our own needs. Tony Robbins , a bestselling author and coach, believes that learning how to prioritize ourselves entails dismantling the beliefs that keep us dependent on the needs of others and focusing instead on our own dreams and ambitions. "Put yourself first so you don't end up last," he says. Robbins suggests five steps to accomplish this. The first step is to change our mindset and stop viewing prioritizing ourselves as selfish. The next step is to identify and overcome our limiting beliefs. Then we must abandon the expectations of others and design our own life blueprint. After that, we can proceed to the fourth step, which is to discover our true selves. Finally, we must commit to continuous and never-ending improvement in all aspects of our lives, particularly our personal development.

One final word on compassion. Could our strong desire to help others be the result of something more than chemicals and survival codes ingrained in our brains? Do we choose the path of kindness solely to assist others? According to Austrian psychiatrist Alfred Adler , we frequently want to be saved by saving others. We try to realize our own worth by posing as a kind of savior. This is one type of superiority complex that people who can't get rid of their feelings of inferiority frequently fall into. In other words, we compensate for our feelings of helplessness, loneliness, and despair by developing other strengths, and excelling in other areas, in this case, giving the care, sympathy, and compassion we crave.

So, there you have it. Be compassionate and helpful whenever possible. Take the lead and serve as a beacon for those around you. Enjoy making a significant positive difference in the lives of others. The world needs more people like you. However, stay aware of your own needs, set limits, and prioritize your own happiness along the way. In particular, take note whenever helping becomes saving, as this may indicate that the one in need of attention, support, and love is you. Remember that to give compassion, you must first show it to yourself.

Author: Esteban Polidura, CFA. December 24, 2022.

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