Unveiling the Unspoken: Four topics executives rarely speak about

When I was an executive and senior leader, I remember thinking my peers acted like they had everything under control. I was left feeling like there was something wrong with me for having self-doubt and feeling overwhelmed frequently.

There is a lot of pretending that takes place at the top of business.

Many executives hold a fa?ade up as a way of coping with the constant pressure and stress. This means we may not express our vulnerabilities to others or be our authentic self at times.

There is prevalent expectation that as executives we are superhuman – that we constantly back ourselves, we have limited negative internal dialogue, we generally feel on top of everything, we know what to do in most situations and have a supportive peer group. ?

I think this sets up unrealistic expectations of what it means to be an executive. It is also exhausting managing how we come across to others and how this contrasts with our internal dialogue!

As executives we have the privilege to lead and have a positive impact on our team, the organisation, our customers and the community. However, there is a personal cost we do not often speak openly about.

One of the reasons there is a demand for executive coaches is that many executives have a limited network where we feel safe to be candid about our experiences, where we can openly raise our concerns and seek diverse views on how to move forward when we are stuck.

We may have a handful of peers we trust and can call upon, however they are also time poor so it can be challenging to prioritise the time to connect regularly.

The other reason executive coaches are in demand is that as executives we can get into a rut in the way that we relate to ourselves, others and the world around us. It can be like Ground Hog Day where we think, feel and behave in the same way on repeat.

This is often because we are living on autopilot and may have run out of strategies on how to navigate the complex situations that take place at the top of business. Also, we sometimes we are just mentally and physically exhausted from having to be on our game constantly. Can you relate?

?

There are 4 common taboo topics we rarely discussed at the top of business:

1. We struggle to openly admit when we feel overwhelmed or stressed

• Executives are highly driven and energised by pressure, yet we each have a unique tipping point. We can get addicted to the stress hormone cortisol and get stuck in this loop of hyperdrive where we are always 'on'.
• I was fuelled by high functioning anxiety for years myself. My active mind enabled me to think through challenges quickly during the day, yet in the evenings I found it hard to switch off which led to sleep issues. This in turn led to fatigue and burnout.
• We look around us and think all of our peers are nailing their role and that we are the only one who feels like we are not coping at times. It takes one brave person in an executive team to break the cycle of pretending by honestly sharing their current challenges, or vulnerabilities as we are human.
• Tip - prioritise having 1-2 peers we regularly speak to honestly is critical to help us feel supported and less lonely.

?

2. We have a fear of not delivering, or not performing consistently at the level expected

• Many of us do not feel good about ourselves and have low self-efficacy, but we hide it well. This inadequacy drives our need for external approval, or validation through what we achieve at work. Our identify is often largely formed around having a big, complex job.
• Some of my executive coaching clients struggle to answer the question ‘Who am I when I am not at work?’ without using labels like partner, mother, son, or friend.
• For many our sense of self is derived from being a high performer so when we are not performing in accordance with our high expectations, we berate ourselves. We cope by pushing ourselves and working harder, however this often leads to exhaustion and burnout.
• Tip - identify and reframe our unhelpful internal dialogue to recognise our strengths to build a stronger sense of self.

?

3.?We are fearful of falling out of favour with the Board, CEO, or executive peers

• We have all seen a peer be the golden child, then not navigate a situation well. Or a colleague suddenly become the scape goat for a large corporate mistake and subsequently be pushed out of the business. Most executives will be made redundant, or asked to leave at least once in their career yet there is a great deal of shame when it actually happens.
• Managing the complexities of the politics at the top of business is time consuming if done well. Ignoring it, or thinking we are above it, is a grave mistake.
• Some of us are entirely focused on delivering outcomes and we do not notice what is taking place around us, especially when power shifts emerge, or new alliances form. Often, we mistakenly do not prioritise maintaining strong relationships with our peers, boss, or the Board and focus on 'delivering'.
• Tip – it is critical we invest in these significant relationships consistently. I used to have a personal KPI around how frequently I would meet with my peers to keep myself accountable.

?

4. We struggle to manage our emotional, cognitive and behavioural triggers at times

• This plays out in blaming other people for how we feel, or how we react rather than taking responsibility for how we show up. It also presents as behaving in an unhelpful manner towards others and being unpredictable in our responses to certain stressful situations.
• Looking for patterns in the way we relate to other people and specific scenarios is critical to increasing our self-awareness. It is important to be curious about why we do what we do and to understand how other people experience us.
• Tip - map out the unhelpful interaction we have repeatedly with someone who triggers us. Identify ways to adapt our thinking, or behaviour to show up differently next time.

The more we can initiate real conversations about these unspoken topics, the less lonely and more supported we will feel.

What do you wish we would more openly discuss at the top of organisations?

I love hearing executive’s leadership story - reach out for a virtual conversation. Read more on my executive coaching approach below: https://www.thrivingpeopleconsulting.com/coaching/1_1-executive-coaching/

We can only change what we can see in ourselves.?

Rebecca Christianson – Founder & CEO of Thriving People