Unveiling Emotional Abuse: Recognizing Subtle Signs in Relationships

Unveiling Emotional Abuse: Recognizing Subtle Signs in Relationships

Joseph went on his annual fishing trip with the boys. Everyone flew down to the Keys from different parts of the country and rented a beach condominium there. ?On their rented boat, they would leave the shores for the open sea at sunrise, with beer cans in the ice-box, sandwiches packed and their fishing rods and fishing needs, and would come back upon sunset, when it was no longer allowed to wander in the open waters. On one such ride, after being 3 cans down, he began to shout out into the openness, “Michelle, stop hurting me. I have had enough, I will leave you and go away with the kids” His friends just ignored him, thinking that it was just an outburst after a fight with his wife. They just handed him another beer can and asked him to chill and enjoy.

The trip was finally over, everyone went back, life went on, everyone got busy. A year passed, it was almost time for the next annual trip, when each of his best buddies, got a call from Joseph’s mother. She informed them that Joseph was in the hospital struggling with depression and breakdown. Joseph’s mother seems to believe that Joseph’s wife was the culprit and reason for this situation and turmoil. That’s when his friends recalled the trip to the Keys and had a realization that perhaps, Joseph’s outburst during that vacation was far deeper rooted and serious, than they ever imagined.

What was going on with Joseph? What did he mean when he said “Michelle, stop hurting me”? What exactly happened? What lead to this?

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In the realm of relationships, emotional abuse can often masquerade behind closed doors, leaving its victims silently suffering and struggling to recognize the warning signs. Unlike physical abuse, emotional abuse can be subtle, insidious, and difficult to detect, yet its impact can be equally devastating. This is a worldwide problem, with many people suffering in silence. As per the DVCCC research , Nearly half of all women (48.4%) and men (48.8%) in the United States experience psychological aggression by an intimate partner in their lifetime.

What is Emotional Abuse?

Emotional abuse encompasses a range of behaviors aimed at manipulating, controlling, or demeaning another person. Unlike constructive criticism or healthy conflict resolution, emotional abuse is characterized by patterns of behavior that undermine an individual’s sense of self-worth, autonomy, and emotional well-being. While it can manifest in various forms, from verbal attacks to psychological manipulation, its effects often leave deep emotional scars that may take years to heal.

Understanding Emotional Abuse:

Emotional abuse is generally considered any harmful abusive behavior that is not physical. A relationship becomes emotionally abusive when the pattern occurs repeatedly over time.?

While there are no physical scars or broken bones, emotional abuse is a form of?domestic violence. Emotionally abusive relationships do not always include physical violence, but psychological abuse can be a precursor to physical harm in a relationship.?Other names for emotional abuse include mental abuse and psychological abuse.?

The emotional abuser attacks a person’s inherent value and their personhood. They take pleasure in or get relief from diminishing someone.

These behaviors can be direct or indirect, overt or covert. Often, the only visible sign that anything is going on is how you FEEL in the relationship. You don’t feel good, but you can’t quite put your finger on it. That’s because your abuser uses covert and hidden tactics that seem small and insignificant. Yet, you feel like you’ve just been sucker punched.

Emotional abusers are manipulative and coercive. But at the same time, they are predictable! Their abusive behavior often follows a cyclical pattern.

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How to recognize emotional abuse?

It is important to understand the signs of emotional abuse, so that you are able to recognize them if you are someone going through the abuse.

-??????? Humiliation: Your partner does not leave a chance to humiliate you, whether in private or in a group of people. Abusers tend to insult their partners by making mean and personal jokes or constantly belittling you. If the abused feels offended, they call them over-sensitive and having a bad sense of humor.

*** I invited a few friends for dinner and the cake that I baked did not rise very well. “Oh, her cakes are working out, they don’t like gaining weight. It happens always. But, don’t worry, they taste better than they look”, that’s the comment I got from my partner leaving me feeling humiliated infront of our friends. ***

-??????? Excessive mood swings: They will showcase extreme mood swings that go from excited highs, with outpourings of love and affection for you, to deep lows that include anger, yelling, giving you the silent treatment, and verbal abuse (name-calling, vulgar language).

*** When I returned home from work, he offered me a glass of water, hugged me and asked me to sit and relax for a while. After 5 minutes, he saw me sitting on the couch, he lost him temper and started yelling at me for being lazy and not getting the dinner ready. ***

-??????? Jealousy and over-possessiveness: Being a little jealous or possessive over your partner is not something to be concerned about, but extreme jealousy and possessiveness, which leads to sabotaging the partners relationships with friends and family, is definitely a concern.

*** Whenever I would call someone, or receive a call, post that, my boyfriend would check my call logs, he would also log into my social media accounts, read my texts and emails and even check my browser history. He would always yell at me, if I would talk to another boy for more than ten minutes. He would accuse me of flirting with them or cheating on him with them. ***

-??????? Control: The abuser would want everything to be done the way they like and want; all your actions must be by their needs and plans. They will always tell you what to do and would get highly upset if you don’t listen to them.

*** Why did you wear your hair down, tie them in a bun right away, only then we will go for the party. You know I don’t like it when you leave them open.” ***

-??????? Verbal Abuse: Verbal abusers use words or other vocalizations to frighten you or hurt you emotionally. Types of verbal abuse include yelling, name-calling, intimidating, and threatening,?among many others.

*** You are not a good mother, look at our son, he is always crying. You can’t even console him. I will divorce you and take full custody of them”. ***

-??????? Passive Aggression: Passive-aggressive behavior is?a pattern of indirectly expressing negative feelings instead of openly addressing them. There will always be a disconnect between what they say and what they do.

*** I got late for a party to a friend’s house. I apologized to my husband, and he kissed me and said, don’t worry about it, it happens. And when we reached the party, the entire evening, he stood their grumpy and quiet. ***

-??????? Social isolation: Isolation aims to undermine the victim's life and identity outside the relationship and foster a sense of dependency, restricting a person's contact with family and friends or physically confining a person.

*** Whenever I would plan an outing with my friends or family, she wife would feign an illness and beg me to stay back with her. Every time!! ***

-??????? Gaslighting: Gaslighting involves manipulating someone into questioning their own reality, feelings, or sanity. It often manifests through subtle denial, trivializing concerns, or shifting blame, leaving the victim feeling confused, invalidated, and powerless.

*** My girlfriend purposefully dropped my phone and cracked it while I was looking away, and later insisted that she saw me drop it on the floor. ***

-??????? Criticism: It’s OK to provide constructive criticism when requested on occasion; being honest with your partner is healthy. However, constant criticism and belittling of a significant other are NOT healthy, and over time can lead to a significant loss of self-esteem. Always criticizing the way they look, speak, manage things, etc.

*** Why are you so disorganized? I can always count on you to ruin our nights out! ***

-??????? Calling you names: You are called degrading names such as stupid, brainless, ignorant, loser, and much worse names. They may even indicate that you are the selfish one who doesn’t care about their needs.

*** You don’t get it, sweetie, because you’re just too dumb. ***

-??????? Manipulative: They use keywords or phrases to manipulate you and your behavior. They may threaten you repeatedly with divorce or a breakup if you don’t do what they want.?

*** If you really loved me, you would say or do that. ***

-??????? Stonewalling: They refuse to communicate with you intentionally. Stonewalling leaves the you feeling lonely and lost.

*** Whenever I try talking to my partner about the future plans, he just walks out of the room and then pretends to be busy. ***

As per another research by Australian Bureau of Statistics , an estimated one in four women (23% or 2.2 million) have experienced partner emotional abuse and an estimated one in six men (16% or 1.4 million) have experienced partner emotional abuse since the age of 15.

What is in it for the abuser? Why do they do that?

-??????? The feeling of being powerful and in control gives some abusers immense pleasure. Abusers may also derive pleasure from seeing you suffer.

*** Narcissists, psychopaths, and sadists may be drawn to emotional abuse because of the pleasure they take in having power over others or seeing them suffer (Brogaard, 2020). ***

-??????? The abuser may also engage in emotional abuse, because of what they stand to gain from incapacitating you.

*** Frequent/on-going emotional abuse, might lead to your mental distress and might lead to lack of energy, indecisiveness, lack of clarity etc and that might help them gain custody of the children in case of a divorce. ***

-??????? Some abusers use emotional abuse to solicit attention, affirmation, or sympathy.

*** After a party, you offer help to your friend in cleaning the house. She declines the offer and does everything herself. Afterwards, she expects you to feel sorry for her, and if you don’t, she starts guilt-tripping you. ***

-??????? Even if you haven't hurt your abuser in the past, they may feel you have. In that case, they may use verbal abuse to avenge the actual or imagined harm.

-??????? Some abusers act out their dysfunctional behavior on others because it was done to them. In a subconscious effort to resolve their own abuse, they do the same to another person.

-??????? Uncontrolled and unmanaged rage frequently produces abusive behavior. The source of this anger varies but it is usually tied to a traumatic event. Unresolved trauma sparks anger when triggered by a person, circumstance or place.

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Effects of Emotional abuse:

It’s very tough in accepting that someone you know or love, is emotionally abusing you. But as you do, you may feel a number of emotions, leading to emotional, physical and mental symptoms.

-??????? Short term effects: Confusion, fear, hopelessness, shame, difficulty concentrating, moodiness, muscle tension, nightmares, racing heartbeat, various aches and pains.

-??????? Long term effects: anxiety, chronic pain, guilt, insomnia, social withdrawal or loneliness.

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If you recognize any of the above-mentioned signs in your own life or in the life of someone you know, it’s important to seek help. Narcissistic and emotional abuse can have a serious impact on your mental and physical health. It’s important to take action to protect yourself or others from further harm. Counseling, support groups, and other resources are available to help victims of emotional abuse heal and move forward with their lives. You may want to get out of the relationship or continue, is your choice, but how you want the other person to treat you, is your right.

Your first defense against abuse is knowing what is acceptable treatment and what is not. Many people find the word abuse too strong and think it doesn’t apply to them because they haven’t been hit. Abuse is complex and is often hard to define, especially if it is covert, or hidden, or ambient.

#mentalhealth #emotionalabuse #mentalwellbeing #saynotoabuse #verbalabuse #domesticviolence #mentalhealthawareness

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