Unveiling the Depths of Connection

Assalamu Alaikum and Ramadan Mubarak!

I pray that this message finds you in the best of health and emaan in this Blessed month of Ramadhan.

Ramadhan is a time for reflection and a month in which we increase our acts of worship. I pray that The Almighty gives us the ability to give for His sake and that He accepts our acts of worship, ameen.

My wife Victoria and I have been busy lately and wanted to update you.

1. A Coffee Morning Journey for Couples

We were kindly invited to a coffee morning in Halifax, West Yorkshire. It was a windy and wet Sunday morning, but we soon found comfort in some delicious Asian tea, made with oat milk! I felt both very privileged and out of place at the same time, as the coffee morning was exclusively for women!

Emotional Flooding

We started by exploring relationships, navigating emotional currency, transactional relationships and the key to having a better connection.

Very soon, we delved into the concept of 'emotional flooding.' This occurs when we experience too many emotions and can't cope, often triggered during a high-stress situation or conflict. Typically, flooding shares symptoms similar to anxiety, including a racing heart, high blood pressure, sweaty palms, or shaking.

Here is what John Gottman says about recovering from emotional flooding:

1. Committing to Self-Soothe: Acknowledge that your perception might be unreliable during emotional flooding and try to pull back from acting on heightened emotions.
2. Picturing Your Partner Positively: Recall and focus on moments when you've felt loved and cared for by your partner to counteract negative narratives.
3. Hitting Pause and Turning Inward: Take a moment to breathe, remind yourself that the moment will pass, and you will be okay. Use gentle self-talk to reorient your perspective.
4. Taking an Extended Time-Out: If needed, take a break from the interaction to actively soothe yourself and disengage from reactive thoughts, planning to revisit the discussion later without indefinite delay.

The Power of Expression and Understanding

To unearth the transformative potential of expression, we need to become "dream detectives" - learning to decipher the silent yearnings beneath surface conversations.

According to John Gottman in his book 'The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work ,' almost all gridlock conflicts stem from unfulfilled dreams. Gridlock occurs when each partner is so polarised with their position that there's little chance of compromise. Gottman emphasises that acknowledging and respecting each other's deepest dreams is the key to saving and enriching your marriage. Open communication, sharing childhood experiences, and documenting thoughts can help overcome gridlock.

For example, instead of objecting to how someone may be tight-fisted when it comes to money, the idea is to dig deeper and find out where this habit comes from. During our discussion, we shared an example of one of our clients who made lots of money but was unable to enjoy spending it on herself. The back story turned out to be that she lived in abject poverty during her childhood, and carried a fear of 'running out' of money. This affected her current relationship with money and had an impact on her marriage.

Assertiveness

We shared that being assertive is not natural for some. When one partner isn't assertive, it affects the relationship. When a person resists vocalising their needs, they send an implicit signal to the other to say that they agree with what has been said or done. This is hiding the truth and can confuse. Not voicing our needs can lead to becoming distant in our relationship.

As couples, we should no longer be content with the facade of silence; we should have the courage to voice our needs with clarity and conviction.

Spiritual Harmony

As the heartfelt conversations continued, we shared that having an aligned faith is a key ingredient for couples to have a harmonious marriage. The question isn't whether we share the same faith, no. It's more about where we are on our faith journey and whether are we both aligned. Are we travelling on the same motorway, in the same car? Or are we in different cars, heading in the same direction? That is, we have different levels of faith practice on our faith journey. This can be advantageous, especially as our faith practices can complement each other. Alternatively, could it be the dire circumstance of diverging paths, where we unwittingly journey in opposing directions?

Connection

We covered that oftentimes couples can get comfortable with being in the same four walls and lose the real essence of a relationship. I asserted that physical proximity does not necessarily mean a couple is connected. Why? Because a couple may be physically close to each other, yet their hearts may be far apart. Conversely, a couple could be on the opposite sides of a large hall, yet their hearts are connected. All they need to do is nod, and they will understand.

2. Read This Before You Marry!

We were both honoured to have been invited as guest speakers and facilitators for the national tour of 'Read This Before You Marry' by Single Muslim founder Adeem Younis and the translator of The Majestic Quran, Dr. Musharraf Hussain. We attended and facilitated Leeds and Manchester, and met many singles and couples eager to learn about 'Relationship Literacy' (the knowledge, skills, and understanding of how relationships work), and what singles can do on their journey to 'finding the one'.

The workshops were well received and the Q&A was particularly interesting highlighting the fact that there is a huge need out there for pre-martial education. We're hoping that major UK Muslim organisations can pick this up on a national level.

I hope that you enjoyed this newsletter update.

May our marriages be blessed with love, understanding, and an unwavering commitment to grow closer to Allah, ameen.

For any topics that you would like us to cover for future episodes, please email: [email protected]

Coach Taf and his wife Victoria Matesky are certified relationship coaches who offer a unique, faith-inspired approach to marital coaching by delivering sessions together. With their combined expertise, they provide invaluable guidance, fresh perspectives and support to help Muslim couples repair and strengthen their marriages.

For more information on their work, please visit: www.teafortwo.uk/thrive

The work of Coach Taf with Muslim men can be found here: www.coachtaf.com