Untold History of Woodside

Growing up in Woodside in the 50’s and 60’s was fun (mostly). But before diving into details, and mindful of readers who grew up at different times/regions/cultures, and of old-timers like me who might need a refresher course, let’s take a moment to review the History of Woodside.

After extensive research (i.e.: Google), I discovered that Woodside is divided into five major regions, called: 1) Mainland, 2) Island, 3) Island SE, 4) Kumhere, and 5) Pagan.

 1) Mainland Woodside

“Mainland” Woodside is bounded by Northern Blvd on the north, Southern State Parkway on the south, East River on the east, and West River on the west. From a recent Real Estate Brochure about Woodside:

 Known as one of NYC’s ‘best kept secrets’, shaded by the No. 7 railway, old town charm in a sunny suburban setting, this neighborhood brings to light the small-town-in-the-big-city mindset perfectly -- In fact, most one-bedroom apartments come in under $2,000 per month! (Contact Wolfie Real Estate, Inc., Woodside, NY, for more details). [“Shaded by the No. 7”, that’s a good one!]

 A walking tour of Mainland Woodside starts at Donavon’s pub, past Joe’s Fish Market, then Walter’s Bakery, and straight to the Drug Store at the corner of 61st Street and Roosevelt Ave for antacids. Continuing past Barcos, up 58th Street to Queens Blvd, past the Old, New, and Haunted Calvary Cemeteries. Then, after dropping weaker members, the pack will continue past Stevens, down 43rd Ave, back to 65th Street, Deluxe, Little Manila, Bohack, Berkeley Towers, Windmuller Park, Dougboy Plaza, PS 11, Big 6 Towers, Trump Towers, Saint Sebastian’s, Finnegan’s, Boulevard Gardens, Woodside Apartments, Phipps, LIRR, No. 7 Line (for some “shade”), Rosario’s, Skillman Ave (but only on Saint Patrick’s Day), and finally, back to Donovan’s Pub, where you will meet up with the members of the “tour” who stayed behind and drank while telling stories of walking tours gone bad . 

Conspicuously missing is Bryant High School. A recent poll showed that Bryant is not in Woodside, Astoria, or LIC. Some say it was converted into a Laundromat in 1936 (and, some say it’s a hoax, not real, just a fictitious reference in a Twilight Zone episode, you know, the one where the guy says, “You’re as dumb as a doornail”, to which the other guy responds, “No I’m not, here’s my diploma, from Bryant HS”. The first guy takes a closer look at the ‘diploma’ and shouts, “Hey, that’s not a diploma, that’s a Cook Book!!!”). Anyway, no one knows where Bryant is, not even the Post Office. They have several bins of mail waiting for delivery, so please, if you or anyone else knows the whereabouts of Bryant HS, contact the Post Office immediately. Thanks.

 2) Island Woodside

The “Island Woodside” region is made up of Long Island City, Long Island Railroad, Long Island Sound, Long Island Iced Tea, and Long Island Lizards Club. Some historians cast a wider net, including Long Island Chamber of Commerce, Shelter Island, Fire Island, Staten Island, Coney Island, Ellis Island, Rikers Island, The Islanders, and parts of Astoria.

 3) Island Southeast Woodside 

This little known section of Woodside is made up of more than 20,000 small islands. Today, they are completely hidden under Calvary Cemetery and the Sunnyside Railroad Yards. The biggest of the islands was called, “Rabbit Island”, where then famous Captain Wood, cousin of Captain Cook and nephew of Vasco Da Gamma (by marriage), landed many years ago. He ate his first rabbit stew there. Unfortunately, it was also his last; he got sick and died that night. His last words were “My side aches”. His crew hopped the next train out of town (to Dayton, Ohio, but that’s another story). Before they left, they jotted the note “Wood side-ache” in the Captain’s Log. Exercise left to the reader: How did “Woodside” get its name?.

 4) Kumhere Woodside Empire

This particular section of Woodside winds through the busy boulevards/avenues/parks and most restaurants/bars. The indigenous Loudmouths, Budinskies, and KnowItAlls helped shape much of this area. The culture is dominated by the teachings of Mafiaism, Alcoholism, and Confusionism.

 5) Pagan Woodside

The “Pagan Woodside Kingdom” rose out of present day Island Woodside. King O’Malley-Corleone-Ocasio-Cortez united the kingdom by legalizing Marijuana and building the first White Castle. The King is also credited with ensuring that parishioners who stand in the back of the Church get full credit for attending a “complete” Mass as long as they stay at least until Communion is over, and the Priest says “Domino Probis-Go”. (Footnote: Subject to change without notice; Some restrictions may apply; May not be suitable for children under 17 years of age; Void where prohibited; Not valid in Texas, Nevada, and parts of Astoria).  

In the 19th century, Woodside was part of the Town of Woodlandia. However, with large-scale residential development in the 1860s, Woodside became the largest Asian-Italian-Irish-Latino-Filipino-Cappuccino-Polish-Swedish-German-Ecuadorian-El Salvadorian-Nicaraguan-Dominican-Republican-Puerto Rican-Honduran-Russian-Klingon community in Queens, being approximately 1% Irish, 2% Italian, and 100% KeepYourDogOffMyStoop@Hole.

 In the early 1890s, many Klingon families moved into the area, and OMG, they are the worst! They never bathe, talk loud on their cell phones, let their kids run wild, and stink up the office microwave where ever they go -- Just sayin’.

 One ancient Woodside tribe, overlooked by mainstream history books, is the lost tribe of “Chiefs”. That’s right, all Chiefs and no Indians, so you know there’s gonna be problems. The first problem was what to call the Chief of Chiefs, “Chief Chief” just did not sound right. They decided on “Coach”, and then formed a sports team. First, they tried Ping Pong, but that proved too dangerous. The little white balls were constantly landing in beer mugs, players were choking at every game, so they switched to the less lethal game of football. The Chiefs were reported to be swarthy humanoids, ridged foreheads, characterized by prideful ruthlessness and brutality. Their militaristic traits were bolstered by an increased sense of honor and strict warrior code similar to those of Japanese Samurai. The famous, “Wally of the Wall”, led them in many battles, recovering fumbles and stretching for the extra yard. Some day, a movie will be made, called “Wallheart”, starring Mel Gibson (if he’s not in jail) as Wally of the Wall.

 Which brings us to modern day Woodside. Today, Woodside is a thriving residential and commercial neighborhood in the western portion of the borough of Queens in New York City, USA, Planet Earth, Milky Way, The Universe, Beyond, Empty Void, Who Knows What. It is bordered on the south by Maspeth, on the north by Astoria, on the west by Sunnyside, on the east by Elmhurst, Jackson Heights, and the Trump Family Wall. Some areas are widely residential and very quiet, while other parts, especially the ones around Roosevelt Avenue (e.g.: 57th street between Queens Blvd and Roosevelt Ave – where I grew up), are busier -- and a lot noisier since the Klingons moved in -- Just sayin’.

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Epilogue:

After learning so much about the History of Woodside, I wondered about my own ancestry, so I submitted sample DNA to 23AndWolfie for testing. As it turns out, I am a direct descendent of Squire Elmer Wolfington Von NotSoHonest (high standing in the KnowItAll Tribe), with traces: 2% Klingon; 1% Subway Rat; and < 0.0001% Elizabeth Warren (High Cheekbone Rabbit Clan).

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