Unstuck Chapter 1 - Forgive Your Younger Self ??

In the coming weeks, I will be releasing a chapter of my bestseller Unstuck. I hope it will help you think positively, see things differently at work and in life.

Chapter 1 - Forgive Your Younger Self

What is your relationship with your younger self?

Everyone carries an invisible baggage with them. Inside this baggage, there are items like your upbringing, good and bad life experiences, privileges, trauma, biases, education, people you’ve met along the way.

Is your baggage slowing you down or accelerating your growth journey?

Chapter 1 - Forgive Your Younger Self

The Slow Start

I never imagined I would write a book or start a podcast. If you were to ask any of my colleagues or teachers, I don’t think any of them would believe you either. Talking to angry strangers in a call centre, standing for more than 16 hours to serve customers in a retail store, memorising recipes for serving bubble tea drinks at a busy train station, packing and moving books and bottles of wine in warehouses – that’s where I started my career. I did not start as a podcast host, a writer or business advisor. I was a shy, introverted kid who was quiet and had thoughts of self-sabotage. I had a different start in life.

Everyone has a different starting point. The family and environment we are born into, for example, is not something we can control. What we can influence are the different pathways we take in life. Our life is like a book, and only you have the power to rewrite the narrative in your next chapter.

There is someone who can help you, who knows what happiness and fulfilment are all about, who can clarify your purpose. That person is the kid in you.

Happiness is our state of mind, from what we do. Fulfilment is our state of self, from why we do what we do.

My Father

I was born and raised in a middle-class family in Hong Kong. Originally from eastern Guangdong, The Pang family is one of the five great clans of the New Territories. We have lived in Hong Kong since around the year 1190.

My dad is an internal medical physician and has been working out of his clinic for almost fifty years. I used to think he was a workaholic whenever he told me he was never going to retire and was going to work till the day he died.

“We will die faster out of boredom and laziness when we retire.” 25 He said.

I did not believe my dad until after doing some research on my own. I found out that early retirement does accelerate cognitive decline and is linked to dementia.

New generations rarely follow the advice of the previous one due to the different exposure, environment and upbringing. We act out, we like trying new things. We like to do things differently. That’s the beauty of humankind. We are constantly improvising, thinking outside of the box.

There is one thing we all have in common: we all struggle throughout different life stages, and everyone is figuring it out. '

I am grateful for many things my parents did to care for me throughout the years.

My dad’s favourite mantra is “Diligence always pays.”

My safety is always his top priority and he has always been there even when I didn’t ask it of him. When I was in my second year of university in Australia, I really wanted a car to drive around and explore the city.

I borrowed an interest-free loan from one of my best friends, Alan Chan , and worked part-time so I could get a second-hand car and pay him back. My dad found out about this. He did some research about my purchase and found out a similar car had exploded in Korea. He bought a one-way ticket and flew over to Australia immediately.

The first thing he did? He made me trade in my car and replace it with a new one at the car dealership so that he could have peace of mind. My dad always goes above and beyond, trying his best for me and our siblings. Our safety has always been his first priority.

Success

Like many young people, I was subconsciously conditioned by societal expectations, media and online contents.

We aspire to become someone who is wealthy and powerful. We envy those who are receiving big paycheques or digital nomads who make viral videos and play games online. We have normalised a shortened success path and look up to kids who dropped out of college, founded a tech company and became millionaires by the age of 20.

At the time of writing, Evan Spiegel gel, the founder of @Snapchat, became the youngest billionaire in the world in 2015. He was 25. The list keeps getting younger. In Forbes’ 2022 list of billionaires, Kevin Lehmann from Germany came first. He was 19, and had inherited a 50% stake in a drugstore chain from his father. The society has redefined what success looks like.

We are made to believe that we are successful if our company has reached skyrocket valuation in the shortest amount of time and attained recognition as a unicorn. We are influenced by the importance of early retirement and the attainment of financial freedom, and some of us make these goals our dream. We don’t realise that the financial path and the fulfilment path are not the same.

I used to have the same thought, until I realised that being in the rat race and the binary thinking of “either you make it or you don’t” have nothing to do with our fulfilment. It surely does not prepare us for the ups and downs of life.

Hollywood Actor Jim Carrey once said, “I wish everyone could get rich and famous and everything they ever dreamed of so that they can see that’s not the answer.”

Our obsession with fame, money, and power distracts us from living our life in full and helping those in need.

High School

Academically, I was considered average in school and was relatively more talented in sports. I was taught to win at all costs and that being competitive is an important life skill. I spent most of my time playing basketball and represented the school in four different sports in grade nine. My dream was to become an NBA player.

I was 15 and had just transitioned to a new school, which had a strong academic background. During our annual sports day, I was standing there, preparing for my first attempt at the long jump. I could hear a roaring noise in the background.

They were not chanting for me. I was unwelcome and booed for the first time in my life. I faced my first rejection.

My best friend came and comforted me after the event. I brought home three gold medals and was featured in a local newspaper that day. My parents were pleased to hear but I did not tell them what actually happened even until now. I did not tell anyone about the experience and how much it hurt me that day. The experience made me feel like I was an outsider and I wanted to desperately fit in and be accepted.

I gave up my dream in sports and focused on academics. I made new friends and joined different social circles. I started going to church and worship on Sundays. I even pretended to fall for the same girl as my best friend in school so I could hit refresh and renew my identity. While all these radical changes had opened up new relationships, I got the acceptance I was looking for, but I also stopped being me.

Our Words Matter

During an offsite with a not-for-profit organisation recently, I asked the group to share what they wanted to become when they were a kid. A lady stood up and shared that she had wanted to become a dancer until someone called her ugly in school. It was only then that I shared my high-school story for the first time.

Our words and actions carry a lot of weight. It is our responsibility to use them wisely to uplift others and communicate with positive impact. Reed Hastings , CEO of Netflix shares in his book No Rules Rules that the culture of Netflix is predicated on saying what we think, with positive impact. I can’t agree more.

My Mother

My mum used to be a nurse. She became a stay-home parent after I was born, fully dedicated her life to raising me and my brother. My mum cares deeply about my happiness and wellbeing. She had to deal with many behind-the-scenes issues as my father was not home much, because he had many mouths to feed. Like a typical boy, I ran away from home. When my mum found out, she went frantically looking for me. When I made my mum really upset, she would write and hide letters under my pillow to keep the dialogue going between us.

I don't think I'd be alive today if it wasn't for my mum.

Now that I am a father of two young boys, I can empathise with my parents that raising children is not easy. No one has ever taught me how to be a father. I show up my best self each day, and try to become a better father than I was yesterday. Yes, I make mistakes along the way and just like children, parents are figuring it out how to come a better parent too. Parenting is a great way to relook at the world through the next generation’s eyes. It is a great opportunity to relearn how we think about relationships and love. I wish I had stepped into my parents’ shoes more.

Why I Was Quiet

Our deep family root and the Confucian belief of filial piety ( 孝, xiào) as taught in school tells us to respect our parents, elderly people and our ancestors. But back home, there was a lack of family harmony at times. It was painful to hear and devastating to watch when my parents got into conflicts. I still recall those sleepless nights when my brother and I would eavesdrop through our own bedroom door.

• What are they yelling and screaming about?
• Why is my mum crying again?
• Why are plates being thrown and shattered on the floor?
• Are they going to fight again tonight?
• If they ask me whom I want to follow, who should I say? Does that mean I won’t get to grow up with my brother?

I was often irritated when I heard remarks from my friends who said I was lucky that I was growing up in a middle-class family. I once spent the night bunking with a friend of mine who had just immigrated from China to Hong Kong. Their family lived in temporary transitional housing that was made out of bamboo and metal. I spent the night co-sleeping with their parents, my friend and his sister on a tiny thin mattress on the second storey. That was one of my best sleeps during middle school.

The Misfit and Underperformer at Home

I learnt at a young age that I have four step-brothers and sisters. Growing up, we were often being compared to one another. At times I was excused from family gatherings and I never understood why. The only occasion on which we bumped into each other was when we paid tribute when our grandfather passed away. I thought we were not good enough to get to show up more.

This lack of understanding of the family situation continued for a very long time until a few years ago.

The Missing Identity in Childhood and Teenage Years

My father had been proactively encouraging the children to meet up. I met some of my brothers and sisters for the first time, and then the second time and many times after that. I was nervous walking into our first meeting, not knowing what to expect. But there were no awkward silences. Being the younger brother in the conversation, I felt psychological safety, took a leap of faith and shared. I opened up, became vulnerable and shared what my feelings and challenges were growing up.

Through our conversations, we clarified a lot of misunderstandings about each other. My brother and sister were surprised to hear the struggle in my childhood, because they had always felt we stole their father. We were curious and asked lots of questions about each other. I found the identity that was lost in me.

This is the first photos I took with one of my step-siblings (I call them brother and sister now).

I was liberated by reconnecting with my brothers and sisters and I am grateful that my father had been trying to pull the threads together. The children were all victims of the previous marriages and outside expectations that had nothing to do with us.

Developing empathy for others starts with curiosity. If you don’t initiate relationships, your “bud” will never grow. Having a child was my second chance to have a great parent/ child relationship; it is important to nurture the next generation and have family harmony in the home environment. And even if harmony is not available to you, it should not stop you from creating your own harmony with others.

If there’s one thing I learnt, it’s to stay connected with your children and be cautious of the messages that are calibrated for them. Unless the situation is life-threatening, never speak ill of your partner or remove their right to build an authentic relationship. Your relationship and style of communication with the next generation can shape their belief system for many years to come.

There are many things to feel grateful for, because they shape us into who we are. Our younger self influences our current self. Visualising our toddler years, childhood and adolescence from a third-person point of view can provide tremendous insights into our belief system, behaviours and mental filters.

Giving yourself permission to relearn, understand and forgive your younger self allows you to move forward, and you no longer need to be bound by your younger and inexperienced identity.

Hope you enjoyed it. I would love to hear your thoughts.

If you'd like to read the full book, you can find it on Amazon or at local bookstore in Bookazine HK .

Aaron Pang

Building a positive world