Unstoppable

May marks Mental Health Awareness Month, and as someone who has intimately grappled with this issue for years, I felt compelled to share my story.

Vertigo – a term often associated with a sensation of spinning or loss of balance. It's an apt metaphor for the overwhelming feeling of paralysis that gripped me the day I acknowledged my battle with depression.

Have you ever experienced the exhilarating rush of life, akin to speeding down a highway with the wind tousling your hair, only to suddenly confront an unbearable panic, realizing you're careening towards an inevitable crash? If so, my heart goes out to you.

For three long years, I was engulfed in a state of emotional numbness. Neither joy nor sorrow could penetrate the thick fog of depression that enveloped me. It's a cruel irony – to be diagnosed with depression and yet feel nothing at all. No anger, no sadness, no happiness – just an eerie emptiness.

The turning point came after my experience at Columbia (referenced in my previous article, "The Graduation"). Columbia had been my childhood dream, and returning home without the diploma felt like a devastating blow to my self-worth.

The impact wasn't just from the absence of a diploma; it was the crushing realization that despite excelling and meeting every expectation, it wasn't enough. I wasn't enough.

It left me questioning my own worthiness, doubting if I could ever measure up.

I descended into a state of numbness. Hours slipped away as I lay motionless on the couch, save for the essential tasks of caring for my daughter and seeing her off to school. Even the simple act of facing myself in the mirror became unbearable, a stark reminder of my perceived inadequacy.

Doubt infiltrated every aspect of my life. Despite my supposed achievements, the absence of that diploma cast a shadow over my accomplishments. I scrutinized every decision, every career path, wondering if any of it truly mattered.

On paper, my achievements spoke volumes: a speaker at the Women Economic Forum, honored with prestigious awards, and a TEDx speaker. Yet, internally, I felt like nothing. The praise and accolades from others only served to deepen my sense of disconnect. My daily routine became a monotonous cycle of caregiving, punctuated by moments of empty existence. I was merely going through the motions, devoid of any real purpose or fulfillment.

In September 2019, a glimmer of hope emerged when I responded to an ad from Women in Toys seeking entrepreneurs for their empowerment day. Being selected felt like a lifeline, prompting me to seek unconventional solutions for my mental health struggles. Enter hypnotherapy – a seemingly magical intervention that helped me reclaim my life, one dog walk at a time.?

With newfound courage, I embarked on a journey to Dallas, facing down panic attacks and self-doubt to pitch my ideas to industry giants. In that pivotal moment, amidst a whirlwind of emotions, I realized that my long-dormant feelings had resurfaced with a vengeance. It was a cathartic awakening, a reminder that I was still capable of experiencing life in all its complexity.

Today, as I stand on the brink of change, grappling with fear and uncertainty, I draw strength from my past resilience. Despite the doubts that plague my mind, my unwavering sense of purpose propels me forward. Like a car hurtling towards an uncertain future, I embrace the vertigo, knowing that I am unstoppable.

They may bend me, but they won't break me.

Love,

M.